Jeremy's POV:

"My head..." I moan, turning dramatically in the bed until I realize there's an arm around my waist. "Uh..."

Carter is sound asleep next to me, and he has one arm wrapped around my waist, his face pressed into my back. He's wearing a shirt, which I know is uncommon for him because he told me that he hates wearing clothes to bed when I knocked on his door at nine in the morning a few weeks ago and it took him fifteen minutes to get to the door.

I'm feeling really anxious; did we sleep together?

As in... sex?

I know I drank quiet a bit last night and I'm not sure whether or not Carter drank. I'm confident he'd never force me to do anything if he was sober, but is drunk Carter the same way?

Why else would we be in a bed together?!

There's another spare room in here, and I'm wearing his clothes! Yes, clothes are a good thing, but it's kind of cold in here so what if we drunkenly dressed up after having sex?!

Now I'm not a virgin and I don't even remember it!

Not only am I now not a virgin, but I slept with a guy. According to the stuff I read online, (that I shouldn't have because it lead to a lot of uncomfortable pictures) you're supposed to be really sore, so maybe I did the top thing?

God, I'm going to Hell for sure!

Premarital sex and with a guy?!

No, no, no, get that out of your head!

Father Juan told me I'd get to go to Heaven even if I like guys, and I just have to be a good, honest person. But... what if I initiated the sex? What if I forced Carter into it?!

Oh my God!

I'm a rapist and I hurt someone who I really care about!

My head is pounding already, and it gets even worse when I start to cry quietly, my shoulders shaking. Why am I such a bad person? Even if I'm really falling for Carter, there's no way he'll want anything to do with me after I harmed him in such a horrible, unforgiving way!

I feel Carter pull me closer and he turns me around so we're facing each other.

"Jer? What's wrong?" he whispers, wiping my tears from my cheeks. "Does your head hurt that bad? I'll get you some orange juice and toast, uh-"

I cut his speaking off by hugging him tighter than he's holding me and sobbing into his shirt. "I'm sorry!"

"Uh... just so we're on the same page... what are you apologizing for?" he asks, and he sounds genuinely confused.

Were we that drunk?!

"We had sex and we were drunk!" I cry, looking at his bewildered expression. "And I'm not in pain so that means I must have done it to you and that means I'm a rapist!"

Carter shushes me, rubbing my back as I cry.

I don't deserve his comfort!

"Jer, nothing happened between us, I promise," he soothes. "I drank one beer and it was early enough in the evening that I was fully sober when we went to bed. You were really drunk and threw up, and you got really clingy so I let you sleep in here. Your bag is still at my place so I lent you some of my old pajamas. You're not a rapist, Jeremy."

I sniffle, wiping my eyes and letting out shaky breaths. "I didn't hurt you?" I ask, my voice really high pitched. "You're... you're all okay?"

"Jeremy, you could barely walk to bed, let alone do anything to anyone. Plus, it's not who you are. You were a bit upset last night because you threw up a lot and then offered to sleep on the floor if I was annoyed by you."

That's a relief, but now I'm just really embarrassed for crying so hard because of overthinking. My face is probably bright red because I'm super ashamed of my idiocy.

"Your head probably hurts, right?"

I nod, biting my bottom lip nervously.

"There's water and Advil on the desk, but I'm going to get you some toast first so you don't feel sick. It's... nine right now, so Janelle will be here in about an hour. If you don't feel well, though, we can just go back to my place and hang out."

My head is throbbing, but I don't really want to ruin the day because I chose to be an idiot and drink too much. So, I assure him that I'll be alright and he disappears with a grin to go get me some toast.

I grab the Advil and water, downing the two pills and the water while waiting for the toast. In the meantime, I put on my jeans from yesterday and borrow one of Carter's older shirts. Its grey and smells like him. There's a tiny embroidered pineapple on the left breast and I smile, imagining a younger Carter going around town with it on.

"Here you go," Carter says cheerfully, making me jump in surprise. "You look cute in my clothes."

I fight back a smile. "Shut up."

"Here's your toast. Eat so you don't throw up again."

"I'm not sure how much I'll be able to eat at breakfast."

"Are you sure you want to go?" Carter asks. "I can always have Janelle bring food back to the apartment and you can lay down."

I frown. "I'm not ruining today."

Carter frowns right back at me and then grabs his phone from the nightstand and dials a number, lifting his phone to his ear. "Hey, Janelle! Listen, I drank a bit too much and I'm feeling kind of sick, so would it be okay with you if we ordered out and hung out at the apartment?" He hums into the phone and ignored my pouting. "Obviously, he's still invited. As long as he's not a douche and doesn't smoke in the house again. Alright, Jeremy and I will take the subway back to the apartment and meet you there."

He hangs up and I'm still pouting.

"I don't want to ruin your plans!"

"We're in this together making them our plans, so all parties involved have to be fully dedicated."

I scowl. "Is there a contract you had me sign when I was drunk?"

"Yeah, I also have legal rights to your kidneys."

My scowl darkens in attempt to keep from smiling, but Carter just pinches my cheek and coos. "You're so cute when you try to be mad."

"I am mad." I honestly do try to continue scowling, but my face betrays me a small smile slips out. "This is an angry smile!"

Carter just rolls his eyes with a smirk and gets dressed, not even reacting to the fact that I'm literally right here and can see him. He strips down, and I try to avert my eyes from his toned chest and muscles, but he catches my eye.

Instead of looking away and blushing like I usually do, I mockingly smile back at him and make eye contact with him.

Carter is the one choosing to strip in front of me, so it's not really my fault if I look at him. He seems a bit surprised by my smile and he's the one who turns red, not that I'll make fun of him for it because I blush around him all the time.

"Come on, let's get going," Carter says, putting on his shirt and scowling at me. "Where's your jacket?"

"Uh..." I trail off, looking around the room and then making my way around the house. "I'm not-"

Before I can finish my sentence, a sweatshirt hits me in the middle of the face, catching me off guard. I pull it off of my face and see Carter wincing a bit.

"I didn't mean to throw it that hard," he says. "Sorry."

I just shrug and put it on. "I'm keeping this for your disrespect."

"Well, you still look cute in my clothes."

Damn flirty guy who makes me blush and look like an idiot!

"Let's go," I grumble, and Carter slings an arm around my shoulder, and I scowl.

He seems very self-satisfied and squeezes me tighter to his side. I know that if it really bothered me that he wouldn't continue to hold me like this, but I'm kind of getting to like it.

I've admitted to myself and a few people that I am attracted to men... and I think I like Carter, not that I'll ever tell him.

I wish I could just feel comfortable with myself.

"Merry Christmas, by the way," Carter says as we head toward the subway station.

The streets are almost empty, as no one wants to spend time out in the cold when they could be with their families. As much as I am irritated with mine... I still miss them; we'd be downstairs right now, with Stephanie and Mom listening to Christmas music while making breakfast. Dad and Grant would be cleaning up the wrapping paper while Jackie and Vincent sat on the couch, with me reading next to them.

My niece and nephew would be playing with their new Christmas presents until Stephanie scolded them and made them read or help in the kitchen.

When I think about it... Christmas was never super happy or exciting because Dad always wanted things to go perfectly and we would clean the church in the afternoon, but it's weird to be without it.

Maybe I don't miss them... I think I'm just scared to do something new and I don't like not knowing what to expect.

"What's wrong?" Carter asks once we find our spots on the train.

He still has his arm around me and I lean into him.

"I kind of miss my family. Christmas was never really a fun occasion because it was about cleaning the church and prayer as opposed to spending time together, but I still feel weird about missing out. Even if they hurt me, at least I was a part of a family."

Carter leans his cheek against the side of my head, sighing. "I'm sorry, Jeremy. It's a tough spot to be in and it's not your fault."

"I'm not upset with myself, because I'm getting that it's not my fault and I can't choose who I am or who I'm attracted to. I'm pissed that they can't get over their stupid ideals for me. It's like I don't even matter unless I fit their damn mold. They haven't reached out or tried to make sure I'm okay, except for Jackie."

"I'm sorry, Jer," Carter repeats, and I can almost feel his sorrow radiating. "I'm so sorry."

I take a deep breath. "It's fine... I just wish my Dad was more like yours and could accept me. I wish I didn't have the thought in the back of my head that God is going to hate me. I sometimes wish I didn't grow up in the church so I got to choose my own path."

"You can choose now," Carter says. "You lost a lot of your life already trying to be someone who you're not. You don't have to do that anymore."

We fall silent after that and when we arrive at the apartment, Carter and I lay on the couch together. At first I was going to sit somewhere else, but he insisted that if I lay on him, my head would feel better because he could be a human pillow.

I really am falling for this guy...

It's something that I'm anxious to admit to myself, but I know it's true. Deep down, I know I fell for Carter from the moment we met. My feelings have only grown as I've seen how he treats others and how good he is as a person.

Janelle arrives, Peyton following her, and coos at us, putting bags of food on the table. "I have something for you two!" she calls, skipping over to us and holding something above us.

"What's that?" I ask, looking up at the green plant that Janelle is holding.

Carter scoffs. "Mistletoe."

"It's the law! You have to kiss!" Peyton chimes in. "You already did at the party... now you can kiss again!"

My cheeks heat up as Carter shrugs and takes my face in his hands. His eyes meet mine and I can tell he's making sure I'm okay with it, and I give him a small nod, biting my tongue nervously.

Our lips slot together and I'm brought back to the first time we kissed, but this is so much better. Every worry seems to fly away as I push back against him, and I can feel him smiling against my lips.

Yeah, I'm definitely falling for him.