I must have lost track of time, ‘cause before I noticed the afternoon sun was starting to hide behind the distant mountains. The shadows cast by the trees grew larger and larger, and shortly after I wasn’t able to see even my own feet. The chirping of the birds got slowly replaced by hoots and croaks, and the sound of the scraping bark anticipated a chilly gust of wind that almost swept me off my feet.
Just when I was starting to think I’d have an uneventful evening, I heard an echoing voice nearby.
“Hey, kid!”
I thought it came from the trees, but no matter where I looked, there was no-one to be found.
“You, kid!” it screamed. “Over here!”
I sensed a chill running up my spine. The disembodied voice now somehow sounded as if it was right in front of me, yet I still seemed to be alone. I turned my head in every direction. Nothing.
All of a sudden, the voice shouted right next to my ear, “Behind you!”
“Aah!” I yelled at the top of my lungs.
I jumped so high I thought I’d hit my head against a tree branch or something. Once I came back to my senses, I turned around only to be struck with the sight of, get this, a floating skull covered in a demonic green flame, with a set of fully functioning eyes. A long sword with a blade in the shape of a corkscrew was piercing through the top of his forehead.
“What the…?” I mumbled. My heart was racing so fast it felt like it would burst out of my chest any moment.
“You alright there? You look a bit pale,” said the talking skull. He had a jovial yet spectral tone. Even though his appearance most certainly suggested the opposite, he seemed to be rather harmless.
“Y-yes. Pardon my shock, mister, but I don’t think I’ve ever met a character quite like you.”
“Hey, don’t sweat it.”
“I’m Rags. Who might you be?”
“I forgot what my name was a long time ago, so people just call me Flamberge.”
“Flambée? Sounds yummy.”
“I said Flamberge, you airhead.”
“Heh. You’re one to talk.”
He rolled his eyes in annoyance. It’s clear he had heard every pun in the book at that point in his life, so he wasn’t impressed by my witty remark.
“Sorry, I couldn’t resist,” I said. “In all seriousness, why do they call you that?”
“See that shiny thing poking out of me? That would be a flamberge. I was a mighty warrior once, until I got stabbed in the head with it in the midst of a battle that took place in this very forest. And then I died.”
“Naturally.”
“No, not naturally. I got murdered. That’s the exact opposite of a natural death. You’re not a very good listener, are you?”
“What I meant was… nevermind, go on.”
“You know what’s funny? The weapon was banned forever a week after that. They said it was ‘too barbaric’, and lemme tell ya, I wholeheartedly agree with that sentiment. Anyway, I have become a wandering apparition ever since. Hey, since we’re on the subject, would you mind removing this thing from my skull?”
“Why? Does it hurt you?”
“Yes. A whole lot. But that’s not why I’m asking.”
“So?”
“Wanna hear a lil’ secret?” he whispered while getting close to me.
“Sure, I guess.”
“It’s been foretold that one day a hero will come around these parts and prove herself by pulling the sword out of my skull, thus allowing my eternal soul to rest. And that hero will later become queen. It’s an old prophecy.”
“Oh, so it’s just like in The Sword in the –...”
“Yes, just like that,” he interrupted. “Just don’t finish the sentence, I have it bad enough as it is to add copyright infringement to the list.”
“Well, I’d like to help you with your predicament, but I’m pressed for time, so…”
“No, wait! You’ve got to help me. Otherwise, I’ll… I’ll… I’ll haunt you for the rest of your life!”
“Meh. A haunting voice isn’t that big of a deal. I already hear plenty of those in my head every day.”
“Look, kid, just give it a shot and I’ll be out of your hair. I’ll make it worth your time.”
“Fine…”
I placed my hands around the shaft of the sword and pulled, but it didn’t move an inch. I tried again a few more times; no dice. It was stuck shut.
“This is tougher than it seemed. If only I had some butter with me…”
“C’mon, kid, this is important! You must fulfill the prophecy and all that!”
Time for a different approach. I grabbed the shaft firmly with both my hands and placed my feet on the floating skull’s face, leaving the rest of my body hanging in the air; then, I curved my back and pulled with all my strength, thus finally releasing the sword from its calcium shackles as I fell head first on the ground.
“You did it!” he shouted. “Hey, you’ve got some pretty strong arms there. What is it you said you do for a living?”
"I'm a sculptor."
"I don't see how that's related."
"Well, it takes lots of strength to plow through a chunk of stone using nothing but a chisel and..."
"Uh-huh, uh-huh, that's fascinating. Hey, look at that!"
As I stood up, I noticed there was some sort of inscription emblazoned on the blade. It looked like… runes. They were written in some strange scribbles that resembled capital letters.
“Wow! You know what that is? It’s the lost tongue of the elder gods! It’s been foretold that the hero who can read the ancient language is not only the true heir to the throne, but will live to rule over the kingdom for a hundred years!”
“Hold on. I think I can make this out.”
I squinted my eyes while holding the sword in front of me and recited the ancient runes. “You’ve passed the challenge”, it read. “Well done! Now, for your second test, you must present yourself to the fairy goddess who lives atop Mount Bedlam with an offering of at least twenty pomegranates.”
The skull and I looked at each other awkwardly.
“Pomegranates?” I asked while raising an eyebrow. “Did I get that right?”
“Huh. That’s weird. Must be your lucky day, though, ‘cause I just so happen to have a whole box full of them!”
I stared in disbelief as he hovered around a wooden crate filled to the brim with produce, bottles of liquor, socks, and all sorts of trinkets that were obviously contraband. I was also starting to figure out the text on the blade probably looked like that ‘cause someone tried to write it with his mouth.
“Wait a minute,” I said. “Is this all just an elaborate ploy to sell me some pomegranates?”
He gasped and acted as if he was shocked to hear that. I’m sure he would have dropped his jaw too if he had one.
“The audacity!” he uttered with great indignation. “How dare you accuse me of something so despicable?! Shame on you! I was about to give you a special discount, but I’m so outraged I’m not sure you deserve it now.”
“I’m not interested.”
“C’mon, you’ve got to try at least one! You can have a free sample if you like. Please, kid. I need to get rid of this ASAP, and nobody wants to buy anything from me ‘cause they think I’m a creep!”
“I don’t blame them!” I said as I walked out of there as fast as I could.
Ugh, I hate traveling merchants. Always trying to trick you into buying their stuff. What happened to the good ol’ habit of staying home all day and hoping that someone will eventually be interested in your product without any publicity?
I took the free sample, of course. And I may or may not have bought six more.
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