9-13-22

Hey, you know I am usually a really really happy and funny person. But lately I've been feeling depressed and showing signs of bipolar depression. I’ve been having these highs where I am super happy and I feel like I can conquer the world.. To these really bad lows where I don’t feel like crying.. I just feel lonely, and zoned out.

It's weird, I think about great ideas to write about in the day but it all just runs away from me as soon as my finger hits the keys. It's like my imagination and thought process gets sucked away. 

Like what should i write today?

That's a goodass question.. I could talk to you about how shitty people in life can bring you down. Or how when you're sad and you don’t have a reason can be frustrating. Or the moment you’ve realized that you’ve grown up and you can never ever go back to that sweet innocent happy child you were.

Man, when I look at that girl.. The kid who didn’t care about what she wore, or how messed up her hair is. This girl who didn’t spend her time thinking about things she couldn’t control. Or about how many friends she had or how many followers she had. A kid who wanted to just have fun and did without having to constantly think about it.

I miss that part of me, but.. At the same time I like growing up and leaving my bubble. IS it hella scary? Yes definitely. Is actually having to go out there and accomplish our goals and dreams starting to feel a little too real? Ofcourse.

It's the little things I think about.. The dwelling in the past instead of looking to the future. I wish I could talk to my past self and I wish they could talk right back. It's the feeling I wanted someone to be there for you at all times.

• Some people think that person is good for them.

• I never and won’t ever understand religion as a hindu atheist

• I kinda believe in the universe.. Yk manifesting and stuff? Like good karma and bad karma yeah sure I believe all that okay.

As someone who has a lot, and I mean A LOT of medical brain issues.. My brain does work very differently from average people. For example I have a thing where I talk to myself way too much. I also have to prove to myself or explain to myself what I'm doing.

TO make this easier; I talk to myself as if I'm talking to another person but it's not always verbal, it's just in my mind.

OFcourse there's some mumble gumble medical word for it. I don’t remember and I dont keep track anymore.. As I casually get diagnosed with something else every other day of the week.

Now before I end today's episode.. I just wanted to say 2 things;

a.) I’m thinking of trying to find some more platforms to put both of my books on

b.) I have my other book/story planned out but I’m still in the process of bringing the main action into the book? You know it's like writer's block but I know what to write, it's just I dont know how to write it.