***CONTENT WARNING: DEPICTS THE DEATH OF A YOUTH

As soon as I spoke the words I regretted them. First off, I didn't know. Was it illegal? Also, I became terrified. Was this cop going to drag me home and tell my parents? I had promised Carman that I would never come out at a time of depression or sadness, and here I had just blurted out my deepest secret to a total stranger at what was probably the lowest point in my life so far, and to a cop at that! I couldn't help it. The tears started flowing again.

Constable Chase didn't say anything for a few minutes. Finally he spoke.

"Look, I shouldn't have asked you that. I really don't care if you're gay. Like I said, that's none of my business. Don't worry, I'm not going to tell anyone. I'm just trying to gather some information about David, trying to find out why he set this fire. Did you guys have a fight or anything beforehand?"

"No", I said. I knew exactly what we had been doing the last time we had met, and I was not going to tell anybody about that. "We were perfectly normal when we last saw each other. I was thinking I was going to meet him at the arcade after school, in fact."

"And you really don't know where he lives?"

"No! I'm telling you the truth! I had never bothered asking where he lives. He never wanted to bring me home with him because his father is an alcoholic or a druggie or something. He told me his father was never sober."

"I see", said the cop. "Did he skip school often?"

"Not that I know of. He didn't go to this school, so I wouldn't know if he was showing up at his own. I'd never seen him during the day though. He'd always meet me at the arcade after school."

"Ok, Carmen", the cop said with a nod. He took out the pad of paper again and dug a pen out of his pocket. "I need your last name and phone number in case I need to get a hold of you again."

I gave the cop a shocked look. How did he know my name? I was about to ask that but the cop was reading my mind.

"David said exactly one word when he was first found. I don't think he was even really conscious, just sort of half and half. He called out your name before completely losing consciousness again. At first we thought it was a girl's name", he said and started chuckling. He saw the look on my face and quickly straightened himself out. "That's why I wanted to talk to you. You're sure he didn't say or do anything that might have given you a hint that he was going to do something like this?"

My heart was melting. He was almost dead and I was the first one he thought of!

"No, he didn't. Nothing at all."

Chase looked at me, then said "OK, then. Your last name and number please. If I need anything else from you I will call you."

I gave him my name and number, and he started walking away when his portable radio crackled to life.

Another cop was calling to inform Constable Chase that David was dead.

His heart stopped beating during the ambulance trip to the hospital.

When I heard the words I felt like my whole world had stopped. I stood there staring at the cop, who was staring back at me as if wondering what I was going to do. And that was my last memory of that scene. Everything went black, and the next thing I knew I was waking up in my own bed at home. Apparently I was so overcome with grief that I passed out. The cop loaded me up into his car, called the phone number I had given him, and drove me home.

The following couple of days were hell. I was beside myself with sadness, but of course I could not tell anybody the reason. Few people even knew of my friendship with David. My parents and siblings had only heard me mention his name in passing, and of course absolutely nobody knew exactly how close we had been, so nobody could understand why I was so distraught over his passing. I was heading into a deep depression.

Strangely, the one bright spot in the whole ordeal came from the most unexpected source: Peter. I was standing by myself smoking a cig on the path as usual, when Peter came up to me. I was in an extremely foul mood, so I was thinking he had better not start anything. Of course the whole school had heard who had died in the fire, and there were dozens of different stories circulating around, not one of them even close to the truth. The school guidance counsellor even offered grief counselling, but nobody took her up on her offer.

One wrong word out of Peter would surely start me into a rage that would only be satisfied by his body beaten into a bloody pulp, and frankly, I was looking forward to doing it. I needed to blow off some steam. I curled my fists and thought 'Just one word out of place, Peter, and I will end you...'

He walked right up to me, took the cigarette out of my hand, and lit his own with it. He then handed the smoke back to me. The cheek!

I was staring incredulously at him when he said "Hey."

"H..Hey", I replied. I didn't know what was going on. Peter didn't seem like he was being an asshole yet.

He remained silent for a second, and I stared at him, waiting for the bomb to drop.

"I heard about what happened to David."

"Yeah..."

Peter took a puff off his cigarette.

"Look, I wanted to apologize for being such a dick to you. I know you and David were close friends, and I know you're feeling terrible about what happened to him. I can see you're suffering through this alone. Nobody should have to do that. I just wanted you to know that I don't care what was going on between you two. It's none of my business."

"What?"

"I mean, I don't care if you're gay. I don't even want you to tell me. It's none of my business. I'm not going to bug you about it anymore. I just want you to know that at least somebody knows what you're going through. You're not alone. I won't tell anybody, but I understand."

"Wait, you mean..."

"NO! He said suddenly, a scared look on his face. "I'm not gay or anything like that. But I think I know why you're so upset, and I just wanted to let you know that I know, and that I understand. Your secret is safe with me. I'm sorry for making things harder for you than they had to be."

"Why are you telling me this?"

“Because I felt awful after the last time I talked to you. I really was only teasing, but then I saw how serious you were and realized I'd crossed a line. I was being a dick."

I was looking at him, seeing him in a new light. I felt grateful. I didn't think he could offer much help, but at least he understood what I was going through.

"Thanks", I said. "It means a lot."

We just stood there smoking our cigarettes. Finally I said, "It's true, you know."

"Eh?"

"I am gay. David was my boyfriend."

"Yeah, I already knew that", he said. He gave me a weak smile and walked away.

I was not able to go to David's funeral. It happened on a school day, and it happened in Fredericton, New Brunswick, several hundred kilometers from home. I had never talked to David's father, neither before nor after the accident. The only bit of closure I got was when Constable Chase showed up at the school one afternoon and was waiting for me in his cop car.

"Get in, please", he said.

I had no reason to distrust him, and he had a kind expression on his face, so I did. He rolled the windows up but didn't drive anywhere.

"I've been doing some investigating and thought that you should know some of the information that I've dug up. I shouldn't be telling you this, but it might help you to process what happened that day. It seems David had gotten into a very bad fight with his father the night before the fire. Were you aware that his father has a drug problem?"

"Yes", I said. "I already told you this. That is the reason David had never brought me to his house. His father was always drunk or stoned, and David said he could get violent sometimes."

"I see", Constable Chase said. "Well, after the fight he left his home with nowhere to go. Now, this is just guessing on my part, but I think that he came to the shed because he needed a place to sleep. Tell me, did he smoke?"

"Yes", I said.

"Ok, that fits right in then. I believe that the fire started with a carelessly discarded cigarette."

I looked at the cop, not sure what comfort he thought I would get from this news. Who cares what started the fire? David was dead. The cop seemed to see this on my face, so he continued.

"This is important, because it means that the fire was accidental. Your friend did not die in a botched, senseless criminal act, it was all an innocent accident."

Strangely, that did make me feel better. Not so much finding out that the fire was accidental – I knew in my heart he'd never have burned our love nest on purpose – but the fact that the authorities would put it down as an accident instead of an arson did make me feel better. I just sat there, looking at the cop, wondering what to say. As I stared at him, he took a deep breath.

"Listen", he said. "I know how lonely you're feeling right now. It's not easy to lose somebody close to you, and it's even harder to lose somebody like that when you have to keep it a secret. Believe me, I know. I haven't lost anybody close like that, but..."

He paused and reached into his back pocket for his wallet. He opened it up and said "I’ve been thinking about you and David. I have been fighting with myself because I wasn’t sure that I even wanted to tell you… Oh, hell. Here, look."

He showed me a picture of himself standing very closely next to another man. They were looking at each other in a way that could only be…

My eyes widened. I looked up at him and said "You mean..."

"That's right. That is my partner. Not my police partner, but my life partner. You and I have something in common, Carmen. I shouldn't even be telling you this – I've never shown it to anyone before, certainly not somebody who is essentially a stranger, and if my secret got out I could lose my job – but I thought it might make you feel better to know you are not alone in this world. We are everywhere, in all walks of life. It is not easy keeping the people you love a secret, but the day will come when we don't have to hide who we are or who we love."

I stared at him in awe. "Thank you", I said. "For everything."

He smiled and said "You are welcome. I know it sounds unlikely right now, but you will pull through this. Be strong. Now, I really must be getting back to my patrol."

I opened the door and stepped out of the car. With a short chirp of the siren as a goodbye he drove off.

When I got home I put on my headphones and laid back on my bed. The very first song that played, “Here Come The Tears”, felt like an arrow shooting through my heart. It seemed like Judas Priest had written this song just for me. Only fourteen years old and I've already had three failed relationships, all ending in tragedy. 

I was convinced that I was going to be alone forever.