-Anjali-

I sat on the seats beside the pillar in the varendah eating the jambakkas and piling up the seeds along the side of the steel plate. 

Aunty had gone early morning to deal with some work issue and Ashwathy sat in the courtyard putting out the rice to dry on a jute mat. I watched as she carefully laid them out running her hands along the piles of rice. 

Weird. I have never felt this way before.

I was becoming obsessed with curiosity. The way she acted towards me was so specific and I couldn't understand it or get over the thought. It was confusing and intriguing at the same time. 

Curiosity? Confusion? Why am I drawn to her when she hasn't shown any specific interest towards me?

The creaking gate drew my attention. Aunty made her way in, carrying several files, with a gleaming smile on her face. I looked baffled at the two people who walked in behind her. A girl and a guy, should be Ashwathy's age, they ran to Ashwathy who washed her hands with the water she drew from the well and walked over to them. My eyes widened as the guy pulled her in for a hug. 

How close are they? She would be repulsed by a brush against my hand. But it's no issue when the guy is basically all over her?

"Maybe she doesn't like touching girls", I whispered to myself, but was proved wrong almost instantly when the girl held her arms as they chatted for 5 while minutes. 

"You're gonna burn a hole in them", aunty said making me look away instantly. 

"They're her school friends. Both of them work abroad, came for vacation apparently. Not that I like them but since they recognised me, I gotta be nice don't I?" I smiled awkwardly, nodded and got up. 

"I'll go back to my room", I said swallowing the urge to walk up to her and understand how close they were.

"I'll take that", aunty took the plate from me and walked away. I turned back once more to narrow my eyes at the three who seemed to be enjoying each others company. 

...

I sat by the window and had watched them talk for half an hour before Ashwathy walked in and got out two minutes later in a casual dress. I frowned as she walked out with the two friends.
I decided to take a nap as uneasiness grew on me. But when that didn't help, I took out my notepad editing some of my unpublished works so I can fill the work absence that would otherwise be discussed in the media for no reason. 

I sent a few collections to the editors of a few magazines and enhanced some of the images I had taken here. I stopped at the image near the pond. I zoomed in on her reflection that was crystal clear in the water. The red tinted lips appeared darker with the colours of the setting sun. 

Is it right for me to be doing this while I still have issues to sort. 

Her carefree nature gave me a certain consolation, living like there's no tomorrow. I envied that. But I also wanted that to be a part of me. I wanted more of that in my life. I don't remember when I had dozed off but I woke up when the afternoon sun had gone down. I stretched in my chair and leaned my head forward on the table, unlocking the note to look at the pictures. 

"I look good in that", the voice startled me as I was got up and fell back on the table turning around to spot Ashwathy seated on the edge of the bed. I slammed the laptop shut in another second. 

Pretty useless. She had already seen it. 

"I was just correcting the images from yesterday. You want a copy?" I asked awkwardly at first and then confidently.

"I found a shop to repair the camera. You want to go?" she asked after nodding to my question. 

"Yeah let's go", I said grabbing my satchel and putting the camera in it. 

...

"It's a minor issue. You can collect it tomorrow, since Ashwathy asked for a personal favour I can't deny", the repair shop owner, a young guy in his late twenties blabbered on. I looked to my side to spot Ashwathy, who smiled pleasantly at the guy. 

"I'll come collect it tomorrow then. Let's go", I said turning to Ashwathy. 

"Ashwathy will come too right?" he asked looking at her.  I scoffed, "No. I'll be coming alone", I said before storming out of the shop while she followed. 

"What was that?" she asked laughing and raising her eyebrows. I ignored it and pointed at the small thattukada in a corner, "I'm hungry". 

I looked at the five dishes she had ordered for us. I had intended on getting a juice and going back; I wasn't hungry at all but whatever, I ignored the warnings in my mind and ate away until I couldn't anymore. I felt like anything beyond that would send me back to the same situation as the first aftermath of my bottomless drinking. I sighed paying the bill and walking out, rather slowly than usual. 

"Let's walk!" I told her as she was calling for an autorickshaw. I had to let half of what I ate, digest before I slept anyway. She looked puzzled for a moment and complied. We started walking through the dimly lit roads that got narrower with every turn we took. 

"My mom would never allow me to walk anywhere alone. She is overly protective of me. It gets tiring at times but what can I do?" It was the first time she had spoken something personal. I stopped for a while and followed as she turned around. 

"My mom would probably have been the same if she was here! I had to learn to walk alone since then but even I sought comfort somewhere along the way", I said with a wistful smile. 

"You have achieved so much, so many people look up to you. At least you don't get mocked on a daily basis for staying at home", I frowned at her words. That wasn't true at all, but I couldn't deny it either. 

People looked up to me. I did achieve so much. I may not get mocked on a daily basis. To others, my life would look perfect wouldn't it?  What if they knew the truth? Would they hate me for it? Would they blame me for it? 

"What are you thinking?" her words brought me back from the thoughts I wasn't ready to deal with yet. 

Seeking those answers would mean ending my misery. But it also meant that I had to take an effort towards it. I couldn't prepare myself for that now, I don't know when I would ever be ready to face it. I wanted to run away for as long as I can. 

"Nothing. Just that, maybe your idea of perfect is different from mine. And...maybe our lives are just....differently fucked up", I laughed masking the guilt that ate me away within. She laughed and nodded. We stood in front of the house in a matter of minutes; I headed for the stairs while she headed to her room downstairs. I put away my satchel on the table and sat at the edge of the bed. After two minutes of resting, I decided to take a shower and come back. 

How long was I planning on running away? Was it even possible to avoid it any further? 

I rummaged through my backpack, finding my phone. I switched it on. As expected. 

113 missed calls. 569 text messages. 1296 whatsapp messages. Sanya calling. 

The screen blinked as the call rang. My hands trembled as I took a deep breath and attended it. 

"Where the fuck have you been Li, I've been calling you for three fucking days-", I heard the voice shout from the other end. 

"Get back here or tell me where you are-",

"Or what Sanya? Are you gonna tell your new girl to brand me a molester? Oust me from the industry?"

"Li, without me, you cannot possibly live happily, you understand? Come back to me Li, before you go down the same hole from which I rescued you", she said, faking sympathy in her voice. 

"How many times will you use that against me Sanya? I know you saved me once, but you pushed me down into a hell further worse. Please don't look for me Sanya. I don't want to suffer again, please", I said and hung up the call. The frustration and anger in me built up into tears and I let it flow. I looked out the window, the temple opposite to the house had a festival going on starting next day. Dark blue LED lights lit up the entire ground. People scurried around the temple grounds carrying materials, utensils, flowers; loud devotional songs blared through the speakers. I looked down, letting my head hang low. 

Chaos ensued in my mind, just as it did outside. A huge thread of sorrows entangled beyond recovery. 

I let my eyes trick my mind into thinking that the tears were helping; helping ease the heaviness in my chest. It didn't. I stopped and turned around to face the window as I noticed a silhouette at the door. 

"Milk", she said, walking in and settling a tray on the table in front of me. She turned to me and stood a few steps away, in front of me. I wiped my face with the back of my palms, the tears on my hand, glistened in the blue light from outside. I'm sure my face was a shiny mess to her. She didn't say anything, rather just stood there looking. 

What use is it hiding it anymore? 

"My last year of university, 2 years after my parents died in the accident, I thought she could be the comfort that I deserved. I was wrong. I shouldn't be looked up to. My achievements mean nothing, I have been living in hell Ashwathy. I can't take it sometimes....I can't...", I cried again, this time like I was standing in a field of cut onions.

I never cried in front of another person. Why was it different with her? Was I making the same mistake again? Was I seeking comfort in the wrong place again? I wanted to believe that my doubts are groundless but my experiences...

She stood in the same place, without moving even an inch, simply listening and simply being there. I wiped my face and finally gathered the courage to look at her. 

Would she be disappointed that I wasn't perfect like she thought I'd be? Would she hate me now?

She looked at me, her eyes offered solace while her hands grasped the hem of her top tightly. She blinked a few times before turning to head out. 

"- reason you avoid me?" With half of my sentence lost in sniffles, I asked in a raspy voice. She turned around, dazed. 

"what is the reason..." I got up and took a step closer to her, "...that you avoid my touch?"

"Are you disgusted by me?" I asked, my expression neutral, rather contradictory to how I was feeling. 

What would I do if she said yes? My heart pounded at the possibility of her turning around in digust right now, but I asked anyway...

"Do you despise me?" I continued. She stood disorganized for a second before shaking her head. 

"Absolutely not. You're someone I cannot possibly think of even talking to. You have everything, you're so perfe-"

"I'm not perfect. I told you, I am only human as much as everyone; as much as you", I yelled. She shook her head. 

"I don't deserve to. I want to but-" I stretched my hand out before she could finish her sentence.

"Then hold my hand", I said in a stoic tone, but I was only pleading internally, that she doesn't detest me. She brought her hand up, then dropping them back down as she looked down. I pulled back my hand and turned around, not knowing how I'd face her. I grit my teeth as I stopped my tears from flowing down my eyes.