She had gotten up to her room after sitting by the pond long enough for her legs to go numb. Despite the constant warnings which were even written on the box of tablets, she had decided to take more meds than necessary. She shifted in bed from the hot, irritated feelings that annoyed her. She sat up not being able to take it anymore.
It felt like a huge prank at first. As reality set in, she was convinced that the fault was entirely hers. She shouldn't have brought Ashwathy into her hopeless life ever. Ashwathy was right to regret, she was the exact opposite of an ideal partner for any sane person. She knew she was too much at times but also somewhere along the way convinced herself that she deserved better things as well. Not that it ever mattered or happened, she was happy to live in the delusion that today or tomorrow will be better than right now. That had worked for her even, as she lived with Sanya. She winced as she looked at her nails. Flesh and streaks of blood dotted along it. She hadn't realized that all through the thoughts she had been scraping off the skin on the sides of her wrists. She tried to stop but her fingers almost got back to it instantly, almost involuntarily, a habit she had weirdly picked up out of nowhere.
She flinched as the door creaked open.
"Are you okay? What's-", the person frantically touched her over, checking for wounds that may have led to the blood between her fingernails. Anjali smiled and tilted her head.
"It was itching. I guess", she lied as she showed her wrists.
"I promise I didn't do anything", she said and pulled her hands back from the person's grasp.
"Sanya Mehrotra, I wish I just wish...", she swallowed the rest of her words as she looked out the window. Sanya knelt in front of her, holding her face and cupping it. She looked into her eyes.
"How many did you take?" She immediately grabbed the bottle on the table, opening it and looking in.
"Li, how many times have I told you", Sanya spoke.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for leaving you", she said hugging her.
"I should apologize. For everything. I'm sorry Li", she said pulling back and looking into her eyes.
"What did these people even do to you!" Sanya exclaimed as she held her hands.
"Not worse than what you did", she said with a blank expression. Sanya sighed.
"I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. Let's go home", she said taking Anjali's hands into her own. She didn't protest, she smiled and nodded instead.
...
She felt a tingle along her neck as she stepped into the house. Everything was just as she had left except the abundance of empty drinks on the table. She looked at the arm wrapped around her shoulders.
"Your room is as it was. I'll get you the blankets", Sanya said pointing her to the room on the right end of the living room.
"It's okay, I don't want to sleep alone", Anjali replied as she grabbed her bag and walked into the room.
Sanya had only been watching her throughout. She seemed unfocused but was determined and wouldn't say it out loud. For the first time Sanya had felt helpless in what was to come. She wasn't in the best place when it comes to comforting her but she knew that she was all Anjali had.
...
She sat in the shower letting the hot water run down, thinking back to the day before. She didn't want to dwell on something that was unrepairable but part of her was still stuck on what went wrong. By the time she had packed and got out the next day, aunty and Ashwathy had left. She had tried convincing herself that she was not wrong here but the guilt ate her away. She had tried not to cry, but whenever she was alone, she felt it all coming back. She got out to bed and Sanya had laid on a quilt on the floor while turning to look.
"Are you free today?" She had asked first thing in the morning.
"Yeah. Why?"
"Let's eat dinner outside", Anjali said while she kept scrolling through the suggested shows on Netflix. Sanya nodded in response.
...
"What!" She said hitting Sanya's arm softly.
"The outfit", Sanya had managed to speak.
"Yeah. It's from our first date. Why?" Anjali asked to which Sanya had shook her head.
"Nothing. It's still beautiful on you!" She managed to talk with a smile she forced.
"Li. What is it?" She said reaching across the table holding Anjali's hand. Her expression had grown concerned. She couldn't even fake it anymore.
"What?"
"This isn't like you", Sanya said, her fingers involuntarily tightening around her hands.
"Am I not allowed to be happy? Should I be grumpy instead?" She asked with a broad smile. The wider her smile was, the worser it was. Sanya gulped and looked down at her plate. She picked up a piece of steak and put it on Anjali's plate.
"Eat", she said looking back to her plate, sighing.
...
"Thank you for the food", she said laughing as she wiped her hands and took a the last sip of the glass of Cabsauv. They drove to the beach nearby.
"This might be the first time in so long that I ate food with you without throwing up", she said laughing. Sanya halted as Anjali stopped a few steps ahead of her and turned around.
"Li, is there nothing you want to tell me?"
"I will leave tomorrow. I want to be free", she spoke, unabashed.
"Is that it? For all these years, hit me if you want. Sy something. This; all this makes me feel terrible", Anjali watched tilting her head as Sanya spoke.
"You should regret forever. But I'm sorry as well. You gave up a lot to be with me back then", Anjali smiled and turned around, continuing on. Sanya frowned. She wasn't angry, neither did she want to stop Anjali. She knew how Anjali had lived so far. Anjali had been too dependent on her and she had grown annoyed of it over the years. But right now, she wanted to tell her to stop, but she didn't dare. She walked ahead, catching up with Anjali. So close yet, so far away.
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