After the incident in Harry’s new room I closed myself in my room and stayed there for the next several hours. I couldn’t even think straight, I was so confused and scared at the same time that for a moment I thought I’d just go back there and talk to him about it. But let’s face it, right now I’m not able to even open my bedroom door. 

  Later that day I heard the car door close and when I looked I saw my dad desperately trying to put all of Victor's bags into the trunk and Harry helping him through it. Then they both got inside of the car and went away, most likely to the hospital to visit Harry’s small brother. 

 To be honest, there was nothing else I needed more than to be alone for some time.   Once I was sure I was in the house only by myself I took a deep breath and got out of my extremely comfortable bed. I went into the bathroom and took an extremely refreshing shower during which I didn’t just wash my body but also my black messy hair. This was actually a great thing to do, it even helped me get my mind off things.   Then I went into the kitchen and started looking for some food I could eat but since I couldn’t find anything I just took some frozen beef out of the freezer and started cooking. 

  It took me almost forty minutes, but after I finished cooking and looked at the plate I couldn’t be more proud of myself. The masterpiece I created was made out of a huge hamburger with mayonnaise, lettuce, ermine cheese mixed with blue cheese and a huge amount of onion.

  Once the dinner was ready I took it to the living room with myself and sat on the couch to finally relax after such a long and exhausting day for me. I kept replaying the whole situation in my head over and over until my mind went completely blank and there wasn’t any space for anything else other than the food sitting on the coffee table just in front of me and so I started eating it. The moment I took the first bite it was as if a wave of happiness just flew over me. The flavour of the dish was simply perfect and there wasn’t one thing I’d do differently.

  Right now I’m still sitting here, enjoying the not so joyful rainy autumn evening. It started raining about two hours ago and hasn't stopped since. 

  The main door suddenly opens and I hear footsteps approaching.

,,You go inside, I need to take care of something first.”

,,Sure, thanks again.” I freeze a little once I hear him in the hallway and once I hear the door close behind him because of my dad leaving someplace else. I wonder where he’s going but I’m sure he’ll tell me later so there’s really nothing to worry about I suppose.   Harry enters the kitchen from which he crosses to the living room and heads straight to the couch, to the spot where I’m sitting. He jumps over the backrest as if it was nothing and crashes right next to me. I immediately start blushing.

 ,,Hey, what’ya doin’?” He looks at me in a funny way and in that moment I realise there isn’t a reason for me to feel the way I feel and I can feel safe when around him. So I loosen up a bit. 

 ,,What do you think? Eating my grandiose hamburger, obviously.” I give him a really cheesy smile but he seems to enjoy it. 

 ,,Alright, I want a bite.” He leans towards me with his mouth open expecting me to give him that bite. I scoff sarcastically and take the burger in both of my hands. When I get closer to him, his mouth opens a little more and I try and focus really hard to fit it into his mouth. 

 The second I let him bite the burger he blissfully closes his eyes and lets out a moaning sound. 

 ,,Oh my God,” he says with his mouth still full giving me a very unbelievable look. 

,,Do you like it?” 

,,Are you kidding? It’s fucking holy food. I want more.” He leans closer once more, already opening his mouth when I decide to stop him with my hand. 

 ,,Whoa, it’s my food, remember?” He just looks at me in shock. 

  Then he grabs the plate without giving me a chance of stopping him and takes a big bite. I want to stop him and take the food from him, but when I look at how joyfully he eats it I don’t even think about taking it back. So instead, I smile, like an idiot.

  ,,What? Do you enjoy watching me eat? Do you like it when my mouth opens?” He lifts both of his eyebrows and gives me a very seducing look. I eye-roll really hard and then take the burger from him. 

,,I enjoy watching you eat,” he states and starts staring at my mouth now full of food.

,,I don’t think you can ever stop surprising me.” 

  He lets out the cutest laugh ever and I can’t help myself but imagine what it would be like to hold his hand right now. But then I remember what he said earlier today and get back to reality. I hand him the plate, get up from the sofa and start walking towards my bedroom. 

  ,,Wha- did I do something wrong?” he stands up with the burger in his hands and a confused look on his face. But I don’t want to talk to him right now, I don’t want to be around him at the moment. There isn’t really a reason for it, he didn’t hurt me significantly or say something really mean, I just felt what he said and I didn’t like it one bit. So right now I need him to understand that my way of dealing with things is being alone with them, letting nothing else distract me. I believe that’s what I need the most.   ,,No, forget it.” I mumble and then disappear in my room.

  I’m half lying in my chair and silently admiring the night sky covered in the light of the stars. This is my favourite therapy, it always was. I do nothing but look up and think about nothing else other than me being right here and right now. And I love every second of it.

  A knocking sound gets me out of my daydreaming and when the door finally opens it’s no one else than Harry. He seems quite guilty and he’s playing with his hands again, so after a few moments of not giving him a sign of me being interested in talking to him I finally soften so I sigh and gesture him to close the door and go sit on the bed. 

  Even though he’s really nervous he does what I say and gives me a very sensitive look full of embarrassment and self hate. He’s probably aware of what he’s done and understands that it hurt me. I call that progress. On the other hand, it’s really hard to keep a poker face and stay exactly where I am without giving in and coming to him. A victim has got to keep their pride. 

  He looks out of the window and at the stars, trying to understand what I’m so fascinated about. 

 ,,Now you know.” I say without turning my eyes in his direction.

,,Know what?” His voice is so weak and sorrowful I don’t think I can listen to it again. ,,My passion, the night sky and the beauty of the stars and the moon.” I slowly start smiling and remember all the moments this beautiful view has made my day. He just nods and bites his lip. His leg starts twitching again.

,,That up there is the Perseus constellation. It’s breathtaking, isn’t it.”

 He doesn’t answer. He just stares at the ground with the most mourningful look I’ve seen in a while. Something else must’ve come up, I can feel it. 

 ,,Hey, is everything okay? You seem quite under the weather,” I ask carefully, trying not to scare him out or give him a reason to close in on himself. 

,,I heard from the hospital, they said Vic got worse and that they’ll need to run some tests to see how he’s uh- how he…” His voice breaks and a slow river of tears starts running down his cheeks. His leg is now twitching twice the amount than before and he covers his entire face with his hands. 

  Ignoring all the things I said to myself earlier I get up and walk towards him cautiously. I sit on the bed in a small distance from him and put my hands on his, removing them from his wet face. He hangs both of his hands down and sits towards me, looking down at our hands. They are still touching so he starts playing with my fingers and I don’t know why but I love it. I love it so much that when he stops I take his hand and intertwine our fingers. He gives me a surprised look and squeezes my hand even more.   ,,Your brother’s going to be just fine, I can feel it in my bones. We can visit him tomorrow again, first thing in the morning,” I try to cheer him up but he doesn’t move one muscle in his face. It’s obvious he must be devastated right now.

 ,,I don’t know anymore. When I was there with your dad in the afternoon they said he was getting better and that there was actually hope for saving him. Your father even told me Victor can stay at your place for some time once he wakes up you know. I was so happy that for the first time in my life I felt like I could actually save my little brother from this awful life he’s living, I thought I could give him a new one, Theo…” He holds me even tighter and starts crying again, this time more intensively and desperately, as if there truly wasn’t any hope left.

  I put my right hand on his face and wipe away all the tears covering his cheeks. I do it gently and with a lot of empathy just to show him I care and to my surprise he leans closer to me and presses his face forehead against mine.

  While in this position he slowly starts to calm down and continues to hold my hand no matter the strange position we’re in. I think he needs it now, and even though I needed him today as well and he wasn’t really there I know the situation he’s in and decide that right now’s not the time for selfishness or pride. He needs me, so I’ll be there for him. Hopefully he’ll be there for me as well when I need it. 

 ,,Hey, it’s alright, I’m here for you. No matter what.” 

His eyes meet mine and at this moment I wish for nothing more than for him to kiss me, even though I remember the words he said to me today perfectly. Instead of a kiss he reaches out to me with his arms outstretched and enfolds me tightly. 

 ,,You’re the best thing that could ever happen to me.” He whispers into my ear and places his head on my shoulder softly. 

  I put my hand on his head and start running my fingers through his dark blond hair. We both seem to enjoy it quite a bit. 

 ,,You’re not the worst yourself,” I respond to his compliment teasingly hoping to cheer him up a bit. And for the first time it seems like it’s actually working. He lets out a quiet laugh and pulls away from me softly. His smile is interrupted by a sudden thought of his and all of the sudden he grabs his forehead with his right hand and sighs sarcastically. 

 ,,What is it?” I ask without hesitation. 

,,You remember our conversation earlier today? I think you do, I mean I know you do, otherwise you wouldn’t be so withdrawn and depressed-like today. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!” he starts pounding his forehead with his fist and lets out a furious sound. 

 ,,Yeah, about that…I still don’t really get what happened. Or why, mostly.” 

,,It’s really complicated, I- I’ve never been in a relationship and from what I know relationships are bullshit, they never go right you know…Just take my parents, it started off as a ‘one night thing’ and ended in my mom getting pregnant. Then she left him and after I was born she just went to the court, told them how my dad raped her and made her pregnant without her conscent and then left her to raise me and everything on her own, but since she didn’t want to take care of me she did all she could to get dad to take care of me, she even called him a few weeks earlier to tell him to clean up the house and sober up for the next month so that she could convice the court that he’s able to take care of me and once she did it all ended good for her and horribly for me. But who cares, right? It’s not like I need a stable family with both parents or anything…Anyway, my point is that I was just afraid, that’s all. I know neither one of us is gonna get pregnant or anything like this but I know that all the relationships which happened around me in the family or in our neighbourhood ended in the most fatal way. And that is the last thing I want happening to us. I like you Theo, I really, really do. And if this is eventually going to happen, I would like it to happen properly, like it’s actually gonna work out.” He takes a deep breath and gives me the most anxious look he possibly could.

   Of course I want this to happen, I want it to happen right now, but I think he’s right. If we really want it to work out, we need to work on it first.

 ,,It’s fine, I understand.” I let out of my chest. I want to say just how much I support his idea, but this is all I can say at the moment. And it’s gonna need to be enough. Just for now. 

  He smiles at me gracefully and holds my hands one more time.

 ,,I’m sorry.”