***

Matty put his palms over his ears and kept his head down while rushing toward the table in the corner where Zoey was already seated. He plopped himself down across from her and breathed heavily like he had just run a marathon.

“What’s with you?” she asked, scutinizing him with keen eyes.

Zoey was petite, but she packed a punch. Everyone who didn’t know them thought they were a cute couple. Probably they thought so the same way they thought of a pair of hamsters being cute. Just like him, Zoey wore glasses, and had what people called a harmless pretty face. In his case, the harmless comment was right on point. In hers, not so much.

Matty leaned over the table, causing his best friend to do the same. “Zoey, you won’t believe it!” Overly conscious of his voice being too loud, he dropped it to a whisper. “I crashed into Rusty Parker.”

Zoey didn’t look impressed. Her brown eyes inspected him, like he was a bit of a lunatic. “Matty, you’ve been crushing on,” she emphasized each word, “Rusty Parker since freshman year.”

Matty waved desperately. “Any louder and this will end up in Xpress. Ah, wait, maybe I shouldn’t bother shushing you. Xpress doesn’t even know I exist.” He deflated considerably. “Just like Rusty Parker has no idea I exist.”

Zoey pushed her glasses up on her nose. “Are you going to tell me what happened or should I hit you with the list first?”

Matty knew all about the list. After confessing, complaining, and wallowing in semi despair, Zoey had forced the list on him at the end of sophomore year. It served as a wakeup pill or whatever. “Hit me with the list first,” he admitted morosely and sank back into his chair, arms over his chest.

Zoey cleared her throat with importance and leafed through an imaginary document in front of her. “Rusty Parker is a shallow, good for nothing, popularity chaser,” she said in a sing-song voice and waited for Matty’s reaction.

Matty bit his bottom lip. “He’s not,” he protested right away. “I can tell that he’s not shallow,” he continued. “His popularity is due to the fact that he has natural charm. And I can see in his eyes that he’s very smart. Who would think of a butt slapping contest and manage to win it?”

Zoey grimaced and shifted in her chair. “Don’t remind me of that. I could only take like five with that paddle. And then I couldn’t sit for a week.”

Matty nodded in understanding. “That’s why I gave you that new pillow.”

“Shut up,” Zoey mumbled. “You were such a scaredy cat you didn’t even come with me to that party. Now, just for the sake of argument, why would such a completely moronic contest would make Rusty Parker smart?”

“You know. Because he thinks of all kinds of things no one else thinks about.” Zoey was on his side. She didn’t want to corner him, but he was the one asking for it.

“Yeah. Like having a luau party. In December. Even Judy Dartwood said she froze her tits off. And she has some melons.” Zoey gestured surreptitiously to make a point. “You know, there’s a lot of protective fat there.” Part admiration, part envy commingled in her voice.

“Zoey, I’m not talking to you about melons,” Matty said in resignation, knowing that it wasn’t entirely up to him if they did or did not.

“Melons are a perfectly healthy fruit,” Zoey commented. “So, we concur that Rusty Parker is super smart, right?”

Matty nodded. He was feeling a bit better already. “Next.”

“All right,” Zoey agreed. “Rusty Parker is a complete meathead,” she recited from the invisible list.

“That’s not true,” Matty protested again. “That’s not where the meat of Rusty Parker is.”

Zoey grinned and her eyes glinted with mischief. She pedantically lifted her long hair and wrapped it into a bun on the crown of her head. Then, she pushed a pencil through it to keep it in place. “Am I rocking the sexy librarian look yet?” That was random. That was Zoey.

Matty looked at her and made a suffering face. “Wrong dude to ask, Zoey. But, if it helps, I think you might be able to scare off some crows if you choose your location well.”

She threw a French fry at him. “Shut up, virgin.”

Matty grinned. Since they were considered hamster-weight, it was okay for all of their matches to consist of hits below the belt. They could hardly hurt each other. “Really,” he said with a sigh, “even if Rusty Parker plays basketball, that doesn’t mean he’s a meathead.”

“As you say, my friend,” Zoey said with a shrug.

“Hey, you’re supposed to be the devil’s advocate here,” Matty reminded her.

“Right, right. Let’s continue. Rusty Parker is a total womanizer.”

Matty deflated considerably. Yeah, he could extol on Rusty’s amazing looks and intellect - which the guy used mainly for throwing some of the hottest parties on campus - all he wanted, but he couldn’t deny that. “You really had to go there,” he said, but without any real reproach.

Zoey offered him a sympathetic smile. “Come on, Matty, you know what to do.”

“Zoey, I’m not putting on a cat boy suit. Xpress is talking shit.”

Zoey groaned in frustration. “Could you at least try? Maybe, just maybe, this one time, Xpress is not talking shit. If he’s into cat boys, and you dress up as a cat boy, that’s your best chance.”

“Of making a fool of myself? And where would I even wear such a costume? While attending Mrs. Lane’s class on human resource management?”

Zoey took a long sip from her soda. “That’s some really forward thinking there, Matty. I like it.”

“Oh, come on,” Matty groaned and rolled his eyes. “Not even in a cat boy suit would Rusty Parker ever acknowledge I exist.”

Zoey narrowed her eyes. “He totally would. Come on, you have the perfect body for wearing a cat suit. Wait, didn’t you just say that you crashed into Rusty? How did that go?”

Suddenly, Matty felt less in the mood to share, mainly because he knew what Zoey would say.

“Come on, was all this build up for nothing?” Zoey insisted.

“All right,” Matty admitted reluctantly. “I bumped into him by mistake, I landed on my ass, and he gave me back my glasses.”

“Did you introduce yourself?” Zoey asked, this time with wide excited eyes.

Matty sank low in his chair. “I ran away.”

Zoey didn’t say anything but let her hands speak for her. Her small fists cut through the air, mimicking a strangling motion, then they shook up and down, only to spread into open palms as if she had just dropped Marty into a heap of self-loathing. “That’s it,” she said. Marty shrank in his chair at the determined look in her eyes. “This year, you’re going to get Rusty Parker to know who you are. You’ll wear a cat boy suit, a bear boy suit, a pelican boy suit, I don’t care. You’re going to do it.”

“Um, says you?” Matty asked cautiously.

“Come on, Matty, do you really want your college years to end on a ‘what if’ note? And what are you afraid of, anyway?”

Matty knew very well what he was afraid of. But could Zoey understand him? Once he learned for a fact that Rusty Parker would never be interested in knowing good ol’ plain Matthew Han, was there anything else left? Sure, he was cute, Zoey said that much, he took care of his body, lifting weights and whatnot, but his genes could only do so much. He had a feeling that even if he were ever into guys, Rusty Parker would like some muscle god or someone like that.

Zoey snapped her fingers in front of him to bring him back to reality. “Matty, no one says you have to do it all in one step.”

“What steps are we even talking about when it comes to cat boys? Should I start communicating through meows of varying intensities?”

“No, but you could start getting out of your nerdy clothes more, and into cooler ones. You really have a nice body.”

“Yeah, if you’re into Korean boy bands,” Matty mumbled.

“Which I totally am,” Zoey said. “Do you have any idea how much I envy you? It’s because of your grand-grandfather that you have perfect skin. Don’t make me want to kill you in your sleep so that I can peel off your skin and dress myself in it.”

“Wow, that turned into Silence of the Lambs fast,” Matty commented.

“Silence of the what?”

He wouldn’t go on a tangent now and talk about old movies. “Never mind. Come on, Zoey, it’s my curse. I’m just pretty enough for girls to like me. It would be so much easier if I didn’t like guys, right?”

Zoey leaned back into her chair and crossed her arms. “Matthew Han, you’re not saying what I think you’re saying. Grow some guts, or some balls, or whatever. Get a cat boy suit. Try it on, study in it, until, you know, it feels like a second skin.”

“It sounds to me more like a recipe for a descent into madness,” Matty said and buried his face in his palms. “But I suppose you’re right. This year is now or never. Who knows if I’ll ever get to see Rusty again once we finish school?” The answer was pretty obvious. “All right,” he said, trying to sound as determined as possible.

“For real?” Zoey clapped her hands in glee. “Look, you’ll have to dish out some real cash. You’ll also need a wig, okay? None of that cheap stuff, not when it comes to something as important as this.”

“Great.” Matty let out a sigh. “I suppose I can continue to tutor, at least for some time.”

“Do that. It will be money well spent.”

“Make sure my folks never hear about it. They’ll blow a gasket.”

“Does it say ‘traitor’ above my head?” Zoey pointed to an invisible point up in the air.

“I’m counting on it, okay? They told me ‘no tutoring’ this year. They want to make sure I graduate with a good GPA.”

“They shouldn’t worry,” Zoey said. “You’re like only second to Jonathan Hamilton in this place.”

“Yeah, don’t remind me,” Matty murmured. “Why does that guy have it all? Looks, intellect, and a boyfriend like Maddox frigging Kingsley? I can’t even hate him. He’s too nice.”

Zoey shrugged. “Yeah, together, they’re any fujoshi’s wet dream.”

Yeah, Zoey was right. Jonathan and Maddox made an amazing couple, but how would he look side by side with Rusty Parker? No, he couldn’t even picture it. He was in a very public place and couldn’t afford letting his heart beat faster. Zoey might threaten him with mouth to mouth resuscitation.

“Put up those ads for tutoring. And let’s go shopping. I won’t take ‘no’ for an answer, and I know about your hefty cash stash you put away for such occasions.”

“That money is not for such occasions,” Matty argued, but then he sighed. “Where are we going to shop for a cat boy suit? Hopefully, in another city. Or country. I would never live it down if anyone else, except you, finds out about my unlikely hobby.”

“Online, obviously. And I told you, no cheap stuff. So our best bet is to have something custom made. You know, it needs to look great on you.”

Matty put his head on the table. “Will that make a difference?”

“Of course.” Zoey ruffled his hair. “Rusty Parker is a perfectionist. You must make a good impression on him.”

“How do you know he’s a perfectionist?” Matty asked, always hungry for hearing other people talking in admiring terms about his crush.

Zoey gave him an all-knowing look. “How many people would take thirty-seven swats with a paddle after turning his underwear into a self-inflicted wedgie?”

“What? Wait, you’re talking about that ass-slapping party? You didn’t give me the details!”

“I didn’t want to give you more wet dreams than you already have. Yeah, Rusty pulled at his boxers until his butt cheeks were as good as naked, then bent over and took it on his bare ass.”

“And who gave him the spanking?”

“He wouldn’t have anyone else but Dex, of course, just to make sure that he had the dude with the heaviest hand give him the spanking.. You know, so that no one would say he cheated or something.”

What if Rusty was crushing on Dex? He was a muscle god, and everything Matty wasn’t. But they were both straight guys…

Zoey chatted away, unaware of the new mental torture Matty was giving himself. “Even Dex got tired around twenty-five, though. Kane took over, and he really made Rusty cry. It looked like Dex was going easy on him.”

“Rusty cried?” Matty couldn’t believe it.

“It was a sight,” Zoey assured him. “He was also laughing his ass off, so you didn’t know whether to feel terrified or laugh your ass off, too. But overall, it was very sexy. Rusty has a very sexy ass. Wanna know more?”

Matty shook his head energetically. “You could have taken a picture.”

“It didn’t cross my mind,” Zoey said airily.

Matty didn’t press further. For all he knew, Zoey might just have a picture of Rusty’s reddened ass on her phone, stashed away. But, as long as he didn’t ask for it directly, he was safe.

***