With my eyes watering, and some more coughing, I’m all right in the end, and all there is to do is answer Jaeyong’s question.

Like, honestly, did I let something go—did I say something in my sleep last night, or did I sleepwalk, and we had a whole entire conversation I don’t remember at all?

Is this some kind of cruel joke? Is Jaeyong being cruel to me?

“You can tell me, straight out. I’m not going to get mad. I honestly don’t think I could ever be mad at you,” Jaeyong says it so calmly, so assuredly, and I find myself believing what he’s saying, falling for it.

My head’s spinning and I’m just happy I’m seated right now.

“Jaeyong…” I start, close my mouth and purse my lips closed, pull in one more deep breath before answering “I…shit, who wouldn’t want to date you?”

Jaeyong visibly relaxes, his body slumping out of its stiff posture, making my heart twist at the sight of it.

He’s not going to like what I’m going to say next.

“But I don’t think I’m the right person for you.”

Jaeyong jolts, his posture turning stiff, like he’s turning to stone, blinking at me like he doesn’t understand.

“How do you know that you’re not the right person for me?” he asks, voice hard, harder than I’ve ever heard it. His eyebrows are drawn low, and he’s clenching his jaw.

One part of my brain’s like, yup, he’s gorgeous, and the other part of my brain’s arguing with that part of my brain to shut up and pay attention.

“You’re a K-pop idol,” I say, even though we both hear the accusation in my words. “You’re a K-pop idol and the rules are different for you, and they’re going to be different with me, too. I…I don’t like the spotlight, I hate it, actually. Can’t stand being the center of attention. And Jaeyong, you’re the definition of center stage.”

“You know I had the hugest crush on you back in high school, right?”

My whole body stills, and all I can hear is the blood pounding in my ears and the beat of my heart, keeping time. I misheard; I must’ve misheard.

Jaeyong scoffs, slumping forward to hug his knees, rolling his eyes. “How could you not know? You were basically my only friend, and I told you everything.”

“But I told you everything, too. It’s just the way we were.”

Jaeyong nods. “Yeah, you’re right. But before I left to come to here, to Seoul, I was crushing on you so bad, and I wanted to tell you, but I was leaving and I was so angry and sad, and just a big mess that whole time, and when your mom drove you to the airport for us to say goodbye—I just couldn’t tell you. You were so sad, and I just…I wanted you to miss me as your friend first. Yeah.” Jaeyong keeps nodding to himself, biting at the corner of his lip.

“And now you’re here. You found me. Don’t you see? We’ve been given a second chance, Raleigh. How many people get to say they’ve been given a second chance?”

Jaeyong looks at me earnestly, leaning forward just a little, his dark eyes bright with hope.

“I…I don’t know what to say.” Because I want to say yes, I want to give this my all, but that’s not going to change the reality of the situation. Can I truly share my time and attention on Jaeyong with a hundred million fans? Would I be okay if the public (netizens) found out about us?

“Okay, I’m sorry, I’m just gonna…I’m going to go, okay? I’m just going to give you your space. No matter what you decide, you’re still one of my best friends.”

Has any ex-boyfriend offered to give me space to think when I was angry, or upset, or for having too many feelings? That would be a no.

Min Jaeyong, why did I have to wait so long to find you again when it feels like it’s impossible for us to be together?

“I’ll see you around, Raleigh?” he asks, getting himself upright and walking to the entryway with me trailing behind, dazed as all hell. He stuffs his feet in his sneakers, dons his hat, and I hand him an extra black dust mask I bought, letting him have it—he’s going to need it more than I will.

He smiles in thanks and gives me a wave, making my knees weak with his cuteness. How is that allowed? How?

“Yeah,” I say, nodding, closing the door behind him, and locking it, questioning everything.

I press my forehead against the door, taking in deep, deep breaths.

I only just found Jaeyong, and he’s letting me into his life as his friend, and now this? What am I supposed to do with that? How can I be his girlfriend?

My heart trembles in my chest, a weak thing, and I close my eyes as if it’s going to block out my thoughts.

I know one thing for sure—I only just found Jaeyong again, and I don’t think I can let him go. Not now, not yet.

Would it be so bad, taking that chance with him? Would it be so bad?

No, it wouldn’t, couldn’t. I’ve wanted this for so long, for years.

So what’s the harm in trying, once and for all?

Just gambling away my heart, hoping Min Jaeyong doesn’t break it to a million pieces.

MJY: I just got a notification; there’s gonna be a food delivery for you outside your door, if you want. Swipe it up before some sneaky halmeoni grabs it for herself.

MJY: Please let me know if you’re all right.

MJY: Please?

Me: Yeah, yeah, I’m good.

Me: You didn’t have to buy me food, though. Not that I’m complaining. Petition to send each other food whenever one of us pisses the other off?

MJY: Here is my signature <3

Me: Jaeyong! Stop that!

MJY: What? You don’t like hearts? You came to the wrong country, Raleigh-ssi…

Me: Are you flirting with me? Is that a thing you are doing with me?

MJY: God, you drive me crazy. I was flirting with you all through seventh and eighth grade, thanks for noticing.

Me: No, no you didn’t. What stories are you telling your idol friends, huh? What is this?

MJY: Raleigh, practically the entire grade knew I was devoted to you. You were completely blind to me and my feelings. And it was fine. It hurt, sure, but it wasn’t like I was going to force you to like me back.

MJY: Raleigh?

MJY: Did I say something wrong? Raleigh? You there?

MJY: Press 9 if you’re alive and reading these.

Me: 9

MJY: Press 4 if you’re just speechless.

ME: 4

MJY: Press 8 if you think I’m handsome.

Me: 7

MJY: I see you misspelled the number 8. No worries, you’re forgiven!

Me: 777777777777777777777777777777777

MJY: Press 7 if you’re blushing.

Me: 77777777777777777777777

Me: Hey, no fair, I was typing out 7’s and then you wrote that. Rude.

MJY: Press 6 if you’re feeling better.

Me: 6?

MJY: Press 6 if you’re feeling better and are going to eat the delicious food I sent over.

Me: 6!!!

MJY: Press 5 if I did something wrong today.

Me: …

Me: …

Me: No, you didn’t do anything wrong. I…I got scared.

MJY: Of me? I’ll beat my own ass up if you want me to!

Me: Jaeyong, please…I’m stronger than you.

MJY: We’re gonna arm wrestle the next time I see you, okay?

MJY: I mean, if you still want to see my handsome face.

MJY: Even if you wanna punch it. I think getting a broken nose will make me look more rugged? What do you think?

Me: Oh my God, someone’s fishing for compliments…

MJY: Guilty.

Me: I still need time to think over your…proposal? I don’t know what to call it.

MJY: That’s cute, you’re being cute. Also, I don’t know what you put in that couch of yours but it’s better than my couch. Haneul says hi. [img attached]

Me: Aaaawwwww

Me: Hey, how do you take him out for walks? Don’t you get recognized? You’re a big guy…

MJY: Press 2 if you really meant to write what you wrote.

Me: Oh Jesus, stop it.

MJY: Press 1 if you wanna know if I’m blushing.

Me: 111111111111111111111111111

Me:111111111111111111111111111

MJY: [img attached]

Me: To answer your question from earlier today…

MJY: Press 0 for no

MJY: Press 1 for yes

Me: 0.5

MJY: Oh, that’s mean. Cruel, Raleigh-ssi, so cruel.

Me: What would it entail, dating you? Like, would I have to sign a contract? Who would know? I have so many questions? Asking for a friend.

MJY: Okay, while yeah, I’ll tell you everything. Jesus, Raleigh, just let a guy know where he stands?

MJY: 0 or 1

MJY: Tell it to me fast.

Me: 1

Me: But I don’t know if I can do this with you, to be honest.

MJY: ’Cause we were friends? Do you not see me in that way? You can tell me anything.

Me: How do you do that? How?

MJY: Press 2 if you don’t know what Raleigh-ssi is talking about.

MJY: 222222222222222222222222222222

Me: I just…let’s see how it goes?

MJY: Of course. You call the shots.

Me: Jaeyong?

MJY: Yup?

Me: What if you regret this…with me?

MJY: I don’t think that’s going to happen, but I don’t have any regrets. Regrets are for people who never try.

Me: Yes, Yoda. I’m gonna go eat now.

MJY: Press 4 if the food’s delicious.

Me: 444444444444444444444 x 100

MJY: Press 3 as confirmation that we’re now dating.

Me: …

Me: I haven’t dated in a long time.

Me: And this is crazy, you know that? Absolutely nuts!

MJY: Press 3 as confirmation that we’re dating, please.

Me: 3

MJY: <3