Of course, Trickshot kicks off the concert with a bang, starting the night off with “Trick Me,” undoubtedly one of their most popular songs, and the thump of the bass settles right up against the rhythm of my heart, so it feels like it’s beating twice as hard and twice as fast.

All I can do is scream the top of my head off, pressing even closer to the barricade, waiting for Trickshot to show up, wondering what the hell they’re going to be wearing, aching to see Jaeyong.

Will he even be able to see me in the middle of this giant crowd? Or is he going to be so hyped up on adrenaline and excitement for the show that he won’t be able to concentrate on me long enough to notice that I’m here, that I’m still waiting?

I ignore the pain in my throat, the way it kind of hurts to swallow, and try to keep my focus on the song, the intro of it dragging on and on and on in a mesmerizing and torturous loop, waiting for the beat to drop, as the entire crowd is being held suspended in the music, waiting to be grounded again.

Holy shit, here it comes, here it comes!

The bass drop is the very second where all six members of Trickshot jump up out of the stage, not rising elegantly like some of their predecessors, and my mouth goes dry at the sight of them, looking over to the screen to see them more closely since the main stage and a small catwalk are separating us, stopping us from seeing them more clearly.

Now is not the time to lament the fact that you wanted to be closer, Raleigh.

But Jaeyong is right there! He’s right there!

Maddie, Aria, and I are jumping around and dancing to the music, yelling the whole while, and again, I stand there and marvel at the sheer talent and hard work it takes to remember their intense choreo routines, singing all the while, performing with all their hearts for the crowd.

The first song passes too quickly, my heart thudding hard against my breastbone, my breath rattling in my throat as the guys start to walk down the catwalk, putting every single model on the planet to shame, wearing a mixture of modernized hanbok (fewer long robes, and these are in dark colours and gilded, but short and worn like bomber jackets of all things) and boots that look like Doc Martens.

My heart beats faster and faster, those butterflies erupting in my belly as I hold my breath, waiting for Jaeyong to come to the edge of this main stage, gazing out over the crowd, a soft smile on his lips.

I can’t even yell my head off, half-afraid for him to notice me right now, in the middle of a show. I don’t want to do anything that’s going to ruin his concentration or his good luck ritual for the show. I know he can be almost superstitious about how things go during the first song if he’s going to perform well or not, when I think he always does his best. Then again, though, I’m not a world-famous K-pop idol that has the world at their feet, so, that’s just me being picky.

God, he looks so good.

Standing this close, I can feel every single member’s stage presence, larger than life even though they’re just ordinary (ish) guys off the stage, Hoseung standing in the middle as the rest of the guys fan out like they’re the Avengers ready to fight in the next battle.

Hoseung smiles at the crowd, grin wide and yeah sexy (I’m not dead), and then all five of them bow to the crowd, introducing themselves in Korean, and then Jaeyong comes into play, translating as fast as he can into English.

My heart almost stops at hearing his regular voice (as opposed to his singing voice), and I keep very still, like he’s the predator and I’m the prey and he won’t notice me if I don’t move right now. But God, I do want him to see me, to look at me, if even for a fleeting moment.

My hands are tight enough around the top of the barricade that they’re starting to hurt and ache, and I wonder how I’m going to be able to hold Jaeyong close after the concert, where I’ll meet him back at his hotel to spend the night before I have to take a flight back to Seoul, all by my lonesome. It hurts already, and I haven’t even touched him yet, hugged him and kissed him, and just held him close.

Each member introduces themselves individually, saying a few short words about generally being excited about tonight and that they’re happy to see us Trixies again after so long.

Maddie squeezes her arm around my shoulder again, giving me a little shake, and I glance over at her and give her a weak thumbs up to let her know that I’m okay, more than okay, even if it hurts to be this close and not be able to hug my boyfriend.

Jaeyong’s here and I’m here, and it’s going to be okay. We’re going to be together soon. But first, I’m going to enjoy the show.

I’ve never been this close at any kind of concert before, and it’s doing things to me, watching Trickshot be this close, their intensity and dancing and flirting with the camera has me practically dizzy.

And then Jaeyong sits at the very edge of the goddamn stage when the next song comes on “Falling Over You”, and I feel the barricade press into my middle, into my chest as I practically become one with it to go to him, even though his sole focus is on the camera in front of him, grinning and smiling like that in such a way that I can distinctly hear Aria say, “What the fuck? What the fuck?” and Maddie’s “Holy fucking shit,” from somewhere over my head and her loftier height.

I laugh nervously, looking back to the stage to find Jaeyong’s eyes on me, the camera at the very front of the stage not currently recording, as another member is singing his heart on in front of the camera by the catwalk so the only people that actually see Jaeyong looking at me is the entire front section.

It’d be different if he were the flirt of the group (he can be flirty, he just isn’t the resident flirt that flirts with everyone and everything) and catching sight of a fan he likes the look of. No, this potentially could be serious.

So, I wink at him and mouth a hello, then watch Jaeyong shake himself out of it, stand up and back, getting back to the song, pulling in a deep breath, and singing his verse without any hiccups.