"So, I was like, 'oh, don't let me stop you. You need to do what makes you happy!' And then she was all like, 'but what makes me happy is Obama!' And then I woke up in a cold sweat."
Andy's voice drifted into my ears as we stood just outside the school grounds. It hadn't been long since I had arrived and met up with him, Blaire and Leroy. Andy had jumped at the opportunity to fill me in on a dream he'd had the previous night.
"We've had to listen to this all morning, Pete." Blaire sighed, and I gave her a sympathetic look. "Sometimes, he'll go quiet, and you'll think it's over, and the storm has passed, but then, seconds later, he starts up again."
"Just because my dreams are unique, doesn't mean you need to be jealous," Andy defended and turned his nose up, making Blaire give him a light punch in the arm.
"Whatever you say, Andy." Blaire let out a small laugh before turning to look at me. "You seem unusually quiet, Pete. You okay?"
At those words, it felt like I wanted to collapse on the ground, though I wasn't too sure why. It was true that I had been unusually quiet since I had arrived. I had barely spoken a word, apart from the initial hello. Someone was bound to question it at some point.
My eyes scanned my group of friends, and I saw that all of them were now looking at me. There was no concern or worry in their eyes, but why should there be? They didn't know anything. The only thing I could see was the tiredness that we all shared.
"Yeah, I'm good. Sorry I couldn't pick you guys up this morning. Kind of slept in," I said truthfully. "Didn't even get coffee."
"You shouldn't drink that crap anyway, Pete," Leroy stated, taking a swig from some knock-off brand energy drink.
"Thank you for the insight, you extremely healthy human," I retorted sarcastically. Leroy just rolled with it.
"Not a problem! 'Tis what I'm here for."
"Oh, shut up, Leroy. You get coffee with us every morning," Andy interjected, shoving Leroy slightly, who chuckled.
"That's a secret, Andy," Leroy whispered, shoving Andy back, causing him to shake his head.
"Come on, losers, let's go in," Blaire interrupted before wrapping her arm around my shoulder and starting to steer me toward the school.
As she did so, I stole a glance at Andy, who gave me a sly smirk and a quick wink, and I had to refrain from rolling my eyes at him. Instead, I smiled sheepishly back.
If there was one thing I hated about my friend group, it was that I could never really be myself. Sure, there were some parts of who I was that I was happy to show, but there was a glaring personality trait that I kept, un-ironically, hidden in the closest.
The thing was, how things were now, is how I wanted them to stay. I was afraid that if I told them who I was, everything would change. Maybe it would be for the best, but there was a constant voice in the back of my head that kept telling me it would ruin everything.
As the four of us made our way into the school, we were all greeted and were greeted by different people on the way. We did have other friends, of course.
"Hey, Peter!" A student called as I walked past him, and I gave him a soft smile and a small wave. I knew him as Trent, and not to make a judgement call, but I had a hunch that he was gay. Not that he had come out.
That was another reason I was sceptical about coming out, especially at school. You see, at my school, there were no gay kids. I mean, sure, there were probably some gay kids, but none of them were out yet. Which made coming out for me much harder. I would be seen as the only gay kid in the school, and that thought alone was daunting enough to keep me from saying anything.
"God, if he were any gayer, you'd see rainbows shooting out from his ass," Andy mumbled, getting a few chuckles from Blaire and Leroy. I offered a small smile, though I felt my stomach do a flip.
Almost every day when we saw Trent, one of my friends would say something about him, and it always felt like a knife was being slowly shoved into my heart. Maybe they didn't mean any harm by it, and perhaps they wouldn't care if Trent were gay, or if I were gay. But never-the-less, it wasn't a good feeling I got.
Occasionally, I felt as though Leroy saw me cringe at the words said about Trent, as he would glance at me with a weird look when Andy or Blaire said something. It seemed like a look of confusion.
Acting like it didn't affect me, I shot him a quick smile—which always seemed to work. However, today, his face dropped as he turned away.
"So, did you get everything you needed to get done last night, Pete?" Andy asked, bringing my attention back to him.
As he said the words, my mind raced, and the thought of the video that was saved on my computer at home spun to the forefront of it. So many parts of me were afraid that my family would find the video, even though I'd hidden it well.
It's not like I had many options when it came to keeping the video. It's not like I would carry it around with me on a USB stick. I'm not an idiot.
"Uh, yeah, yeah. Got it all done!" I hurriedly said, shooting Andy a quick smile before changing the subject. "Are you all going to the game tonight?"
"Hell, yeah!" Blaire yelled, throwing her hands in the air.
"All right, calm down." Leroy chuckled. "I don't understand why they're having a Monday night game, though."
"Because it got washed out on Friday, Roy," Andy answered, and just as he did, the four of us entered the entrance of the school and found ourselves standing in a large hallway, surrounded by other students.
"Yeah, I know, but still," Leroy mumbled, trying to find his argument. "Why not just wait until this Friday?"
"Because there's another game this Friday. Jeez, Roy, keep up," I chimed in, giving Leroy a slight nudge on the shoulder which warranted me a sharp glare from him.
"Whatever, it's a stupid sport anyway."
"Just because you suck at it, doesn't mean it's a stupid sport." It was now Andy's turn to tease Leroy and give him a slight nudge.
"You kick and throw a ball around and try to get it through some posts at the end of the field. It's stupid."
I glanced over at Leroy and gave him a confused look, though he didn't acknowledge it. Leroy was usually one to be excited about the game. Hell, he was the only one in our group that played a sport.
"We're all going, Pete," Blaire stated, cutting Leroy off, who let out a scoff.
"I'll drive?" I asked, already knowing what the answer was going to be.
In our friend group, I was the only one with a car. I usually drove everyone to school and back home afterward. I was the designated taxi.
"Of course!" Blaire winked. "The usually game plan."
"We couldn't ask for a better driver—" Andy started but was cut off by Leroy.
"Shotgun!"
"Damn it, Leroy!" Andy yelled as he went to grab Leroy's bag, but Leroy had already begun sprinting down the hallway, causing Andy to race after him.
"You good to drive?" Blaire asked, watching the other two boys dodge and duck through the crowd of students, causing quite a disturbance.
"Yeah, of course," I responded as she looked back at me. "They're going to get detention, aren't they?"
"Probably, but that's not our problem," Blaire stated with a laugh.
"True. I could still really use a coffee," I mumbled, pulling my phone out of my pocket and looking at the time. Blaire also looked down at my phone.
"You know... we could probably go and get coffee and be back in time for our first class."
"You think?" I asked sceptically, stowing my phone back into my pocket.
"Eh, it's a maybe. Shall we?" Blaire turned and extended her arm back to the door we had just walked through, and I let out a sigh.
"What about the other two?
"We'll grab them something, too." Blaire smiled at me, showing off a set of perfect teeth.
"You're a bad influence, Miss Brodie." I let out a laugh and shook my head at Blaire.
If it weren't for the whole being gay, I probably would have asked Blaire out by now. She was stunning and had a similar sense of humour to mine. We had been friends since the first day of high school when we'd been placed together in homeroom. Ever since then, we had become quite close. Probably even more intimate than I was to Andy or Leroy—which made it even worse I was harbouring a secret from her.
Through the years of our friendship, there had been plenty of times when we were alone, and I wanted to tell her. Times when we were talking about life and things that were on our minds, and I just wanted to let it all out; to tell her everything. But I knew that if I did, it would change everything. If I told her, nothing would be the same, and I didn't think I could handle that. I didn't want anything to change. I didn't want to lose anyone.
Yes, maybe I was overreacting and overthinking. Maybe nothing would change. Perhaps everything would be okay. But I didn't want to take that chance.
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