He wanted me to abort you…

My dad didn’t want me.

Those words kept going over and over in my head as I sit here in my bed. With my arms wrapped around my knees, I can’t help but cry. I tried to hug my pillow to at least let it give me some comfort, but it did nothing.

I was crushed. I thought I’ve already managed to push away the thought, but I didn’t. It’s still there.

I was unwanted.

My dad wanted to kill me.

These thoughts keep echoing in my head and I just want it all to stop. I can feel my heart being crushed into tiny little pieces.

It hurts so bad.

Please, can someone let this stop?

I can feel my heart tighten, and my mind spinning. I’m shaking and sweating so much as I try to reach for my phone.

And then it all went dark.

I almost couldn’t open my eyes when I woke up. My eyelids feel so heavy. I tried to get up, but I feel dizzy.

I slightly rose when I smelled the pancakes being cooked. How did someone manage to cook here in my condo? I slowly turned around and rubbed my eyes, a bit shocked with who I saw.

“JB?”

“Avery! Glad you’re awake. Good morning! And I’m using your stove, thank you”, she warmly greeted me.

“Wh- What are you doing here?”

“How should I explain this?”, she scratched her head. Then she put her hand under her chin, as if trying so hard to recall.

“Well, last night, I was about to go here to ask about some stuff for our class. You weren’t answering, so I figured you might not be here. Then when I was about to go back, I saw Jared panicking and running towards here. Seems like you weren’t able to lock your door, and that’s how we managed to get in.”

I just looked at her, confused.

“Apparently, you called him. Asking for help. He was really worried because when we opened the door, we saw you lying down on the floor.”

My eyes widened, I didn’t remember calling him, and I’m ashamed that they saw me that way.

“When I touched you, you’re temp was so high. We were about to bring you to the hospital, but I recalled that we had a neighbor who’s a doctor. So I went there and asked him to check on you.”

I touched my forehead. Yeah, it really feels hot.

“Jared didn’t even want to leave, but he has classes, so I forced him to. I told you I’d take care of you, since I don’t have any class for this day.”

I just nodded in response.

“And about your class, I talked to Savannah about it, told her to just send you whatever important stuff, if there’s any.”

I can only smile. “Thank you.”

“It’s nothing”, and she looked at me intently. “What happened last night anyway?”

It’s coming back to me a bit. If I can only delete it from my mind, I would. Good thing I have a fever, else I wouldn’t be able to explain that I had a panic attack—same as what happened in Taiwan.

“He wanted me to abort you!”

My chest felt so tight.

“Ma…”, I can’t stop crying. It hurts. It really hurts—not sure if it’s because of what she said, or because I can’t breathe.

Clutching my chest tightly, I tried to go near mom, I wanted to shout, but there was no sound coming out of my mouth.

“Avery! Avery, are you okay?”

I can’t even get to nod or say no, I just know that I needed to hold on to something, to hold onto her.

“Avery!”, that’s the last thing I heard before everything went dark.

When I woke up, everything was in white—the ceiling, walls, blanket. I slowly turned my head and saw my mom sitting beside my bed.

“Avery”, she forced a smile. Her eyes say different though, it’s laced with worry.

“Mommy, what happened?”

“You had a panic attack, Ave. I wish I never told you about that. I’m so sorry”, a tear fell from her eyes.

“No, ma. It’s not your fault”, I tried to smile. “I’m sorry for making you worry.”

When I got discharged, mom and I just tried to enjoy the remaining days we had of that vacation, pretty much pretending that that thing didn’t happen. And I guess for me, that helped. I was able to push it at the back of my mind. Though we both know the scar it left on me will always be there.

After finding that out, I stopped asking my mom anything about my dad.

I don’t wanna revisit that day. Knowing that my father left us already hurts, but knowing that he didn’t even want me to live? It crushed me.

“Ave, the pancakes are ready!”, JB cheerfully called me. Good thing she’s here, having her vibrant aura really helps me keep my mind off of things.

She looked at me intently. “Are you okay? You seem to be too lost in your thoughts.”

I tried to smile. “Oh, it’s nothing. Let’s eat.”

JB accompanied me the entire day. We just had a movie marathon and had our lunch delivered, since my stock’s almost empty.

I’m kinda not used to anyone invading my private space, mom’s not always home because of work, and even when we have some helpers around, I always choose to stay inside my room.

I didn’t expect I’d have fun having a friend with me the entire day, I guess I really needed the company. JB staying here helped me forget the things that have been bugging me. Aside from being very talkative, she really has a lot of fun stories to tell.

I found out that the condo unit she’s staying at is actually her brother’s, but he’s working abroad. And even when they’re just from Forthworth, she chose to stay here, because her parents are strict and they live far from the university.

She also mentioned a bit about her being classmates with Ethan before, but it always ends up with talks of her being pissed off at Kel.

“Ave, Savannah sent me a message”, and she continued looking at her phone. “Just open the group chat, she sent some details of your assignment.”

And since we had a movie marathon the entire day, I didn’t notice my phone. There were a lot of messages from my classmates, some brands, and Ethan—mostly from Ethan.

Ave, what’s wrong?

im worried abt u

ill go there now

Good morning Ave ☺️

Hope you’re doing fine now

Just rest, okay?

Eat your lunch and take your meds

I’ll bring you dinner, what do you want?

Although I wanted to respond to him I actually don’t know what to say. I don’t know where to start. I just tried responding to the other messages first.

It made me smile knowing that I had a couple of messages from some small clothing shops saying that they’d want to send me clothes. Someone even asked for my rate for a sponsored post, and if I know Ethan’s too. There’s also a new restaurant that asked if I wanted to vlog about them, I excitedly told JB about it.

“Oh, there’s a soon to open restaurant. I might make a mukbang vlog about it. Wanna join?”, I asked.

“Sure thing! How can I say no to food”, and she smiled mischievously. “How about Jared? You won’t ask him? He’s the one who’s been in your vlogs recently.”

I just shrugged.

“Wait. Speaking of food, should we have another delivery for dinner? What do you want?”, she asked.

A few minutes later, we heard a knock.

“Wow. That’s quick. We were just thinking about it, and it’s already here? Instant!”, JB said as she was giggling. Then went to open the door.

“Oh…it’s Jared. I was just asking Avery what she wanted for dinner, turns out its you.”

My eyes widened at JB. What the heck is she saying?

“I mean, you’re the one who brought our dinner”, she grinned.

I then saw Ethan scratching his head. “Well, I just bought take-outs for two. I didn’t know that you’re still here. Sorry, JB.”

“Oh. It’s fine then. I just remembered that I still have lots of things to do. Bye!”

I was trying to look at her as though pleading to stay, but she immediately picked up her things and left.

He shifted his gaze at me, “Are you okay now, Ave?”

He slowly placed the food he brought at the table. And it seems as though his eyes are wandering at the kitchen cabinet, probably looking for something.

“I’m better”, I smiled a bit as I made my way to the kitchen. When I got a plate and some utensils, I brought it to him.

“Ah, what brings you here?”, I asked.

“I figured you needed to eat? And I don’t know, you haven’t been replying to my messages”, he shrugged. “I guess I just got worried.”

“Just got busy watching movies with JB. Sorry.”

He just nodded.

We just ate in silence, not how we usually are whenever we’re together. Might not be loud, but we usually talked about random stuff every now and then.

I tried to break the silence. “Ethan, a brand asked me. How much is your rate for a sponsored post?”

“Seriously, Ave. I don’t need that”, he chuckled.

“Sorry, I mean, I just thought I’d ask. I don’t know what to tell them.”

“Just tell them I won’t do stuff like that”, he just gave me a smile.

“By the way, Ave. If it’s not too much to ask…what happened last night?”

“I’d rather not talk about it.”

He slowly nodded. Seemingly respecting my decision of not telling him.

A few minutes passed and we were met by a deafening silence. It’s like no one wants to talk first, both trying to feel things out.

After eating, he immediately got up to clean up the table. I tried helping him out of courtesy since he was already the one who brought me food, yet he’s still the one doing everything.

“You don’t have to Ave. Just rest, okay? You’re still sick.”

I just slumped in my bed. He was right, I still don’t feel good enough to move around.

“Why are you doing this, Ethan?”, I can’t stop myself from asking.

“Doing what?”

“All this! Bringing me dinner, being nice…why?”

“I already told you. I like you, Avery.”

“Tell me, Ethan. Why do you like me?”, I stared at him intently. “You don’t even know me.”

“I have my reasons, Ave.”

“But I want to know. And…why did you lie about not knowing me?”

“I never said that. You never asked, Ave. You just assumed.”

“How about those first few days where we kept stumbling upon each other? You acted like you didn’t know me.”

“And what do you want me to tell you? That I’m a huge fan? A fan who’s so giddy about his crush living in the same building as him? Won’t you be creeped out by that?”, he asked, defeated.

“Ave, I already told you I’m new to all of this. I don’t know how this like or love thing works”, he begged.

“Love? Do you even know what that means?”, I angrily asked him.

“Ave, where’s this going?”

“Nowhere”, my tears threatening to fall.

“Ave…”

“Ethan…Can’t you see? I don’t even know how to deal with you!”

“It’s fine, Ave. We’ll learn together. We’ll know how this works…eventually”, he pleaded.

Even with a heavy heart, I knew I needed him to give up. If this continues, we’ll just have a hard time. Him, I…us.

“I’m not sure I can…I don’t…I don’t like you, Ethan”, I told him without even looking at him.

It seems like he was about to say something, but didn’t.

When he left, that’s when my tears started falling.

I realized that not only was I bothered about my past, I’m very scared about my future. I’m not sure if I can love that much, love too deeply. I’m scared of ending up like my mom.

That night, I texted mom before going to sleep. We might not be that close for her to know everything about my personal life, but I know she’s the one who will always be there for me.

Good night ma

I miss you

In the morning, I woke up when I heard the phone ringing. It was mom.

“Hello ma.”

“Avery, is something wrong?”

“Nothing ma. I’m just sick.”

“Sick? What happened? Are you fine? Are you in a hospital?”

“No ma, I just had fever. Don’t worry, I’m fine now.”

She sighed. “Okay. Did you eat already? Did you take your medicine?”

“Ma, I just woke up”, I chuckled. “I won’t be going to school, I’ll just rest.”

“Okay then. Just be well. I’m sorry I can’t be there to take care of you. Just call me when you need anything, okay?”

“It’s fine ma, I understand. I miss you…”

“I miss you too.”

As much as I want to tell my mom what just happened to me, I don’t want her to worry. I don’t want her to panic and ask me to drop out of the university.

I guess I’ll just keep this to myself. Yeah, it’s better that way. No one should know about what bothers me anyway, I still don’t know who to trust anyway.

JB? She’s really nice and funny. I guess it’s too soon, but maybe I can trust her eventually.

Ethan? Well, I like him, alright. And after everything that he did and is doing for me? There’s no question about where he stands, but right now, I’m so confused. Even when I thought we were close, he managed to keep certain things from me. And despite what I feel about him, I’m not sure if I would go so far as to be in an actual relationship with him.

I guess the best thing to do now is to avoid him…while it’s still early, while we’re not yet a couple, while no one’s hurt yet. Yeah, that’s what I’ll do.

I thought to myself as a tear fell off my cheek.