Chapter Three

“What the fuck was that?”

“I—Look—”

Thalia grabbed her arm. “No, tell me. What was that?”

Her sister’s calming eyes melted into Lillia’s skull, gently prying any and all information out. “Mum and me aren't particularly good friends.”

“No, I know that,” Thalia still wasn’t satisfied with her answer. “I want to know why  you punched her!”

“I … got angry.” Thalia frowned at her. “Duh,” Lillia added with a shrug.

“Still?”

“Yeah—what do you mean st—”

Thalia let go of her arm and turned around. “I thought you were working on that?”

“Well, I was. I would’ve.” Lillia laughed. “Don’t exactly have the funds for therapy, and mum refused to sign me up for mental health services.” She glanced at Thalia. “You know, they’re not real according to her.”

“Oh Lillia…”

“And she is always horrible to nan,” Lillia sighed, “at least nan tried to give us a better life.”

“The world is cruel, but that doesn’t mean you get to hurt people! Mother is horrible to you, yes, I wish she wasn’t but that’s how it is. You shouldn’t have punched her, Lil.”

“Wha—but…” Lillia gritted her teeth. There it was again. That fire. Burning away, ready to explode. Alongside it, that empty sadness. “Why am I so angry?”

“Hm?”

“All the time. I’m just moments from setting the world on fire constantly!” Lillia whined. Her eyes watered up. Thalia placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “I just want to be happy.”

“Yeah, me too.”

A memory sprang into Lillia’s head. “Do you remember when we were young, playing under the Big Tree with Yazmin, Rosie and Jack?”

Thalia smiled. “Yeah. I don’t remember what we played exactly, just that you were always smiling. We all were.”

“Tag was a pretty popular one, as well as pretending to be knights and sword fight with sticks.” Lillia hadn’t forgotten a second of it. Her mouth tugged into a small smile. “I was happy then. I wish we could have stayed in that moment forever.”

Thalia nodded, sighing. Lillia read her face: happy memories. And that’s all they are now. Moments of the past, only accessible at night when they dreamed. How long will they last as memories? Lillia held onto them dearly, but even Thalia was beginning to forget the smaller details. When she’s gray and old, will she remember? Will she even know that moment ever happened? Lillia swore she would never forget, but one can’t always control what your brain will take in and throw out. Life is cruel like that. Lillia was all too familiar.

“So, how have things been?” Thalia asked, obviously fishing for a conversation. “Apart from just now, how’s the past month, I guess, been?”

Lillia looked at her oddly. “The month has only just started.”

“Okay, yeah, I meant like last month—just in general, okay?”

“Okay, okay,” Lillia laughed. She sat on a nearby wall, and Thalia joined her. They looked out to an array of drab houses, some abandoned and falling apart, and dried dirt and grass. What a pleasant view. “So, the last week has been torture. That bloody King died, and mother made us all mourn for him.”

“Oof. Can’t imagine nan was too happy with that — you as well, obviously, but she spent a good portion of her life trying to abolish the monarchy from what I have heard.”

“Yeah she found it hilarious that mum started crying when we heard the news on the radio.”

“Of course.” Thalia adjusted herself on the wall. “They really ought to make comfier walls — anyway, what else?”

Lillia thought for a second. “I got expelled from school again.” She said it with a laugh, one that disturbed Thalia.

“Lil! What did I tell you about that?” she gently slapped Lillia’s shoulder. “You have to do well in school, otherwise you really won’t ever have a better life!”

“Yeah, right,” she mumbled, “I was doing well!”

“What was the reason then?”

“All I did,” Lillia smiled nervously, “was beat up some bullies.”

“Lillia!”

“What? I told you, I’m easily angered right now!” she protested, smiling when she noticed Thalia had to force down a giggle. “I wouldn’t usually, it’s just I saw some year ten’s picking on these really young kids and I … well, I had had enough, I guess, so I just beat them up.”

“Okay, let me reiterate,” Thalia put on a jokingly powerful voice, “no beating people up!”

“But they were bullies! And they were fine hurting a smaller child! So I just showed them what it felt like.”

Thalia crossed her arms and glared at her sister. Lillia wasn’t frightened. No matter how mean or terrifying Thalia tried to be, she’d only see the cheerful, kind and caring big sister.

“It’s not my fault they felt like bleeding — a lot,” Lillia added, trailing her gaze from her sister and onto the dying scenery.

“Is it—”

“Don’t worry it's not a permanent exclusion.”

Thalia visibly relaxed. “Thank god.”

“Yeah, once this shitshow—I mean—national period of mourning for a man who never cared about any of us—I mean—the Glorious late King is done I’ll be back.”

“Good. And really try this time!”

Lillia nodded.

“No, look at me, Lil, really try.”

Lillia did as she was requested. She smiled, showing she would give it an honest go. That’s all her sister would want her to do anyway.

“So…” Lillia kicked her feet in the air. “How’s things going with your — ew — husband?”

Thalia laughed. “Hey, don’t be mean! He’s your brother in law!”

“Hm.”

“And the father of my baby,” she moved her oversized cardigan to one side and stroked her large stomach. The cardigan did its job, Lillia didn’t even notice the bump — though that could also be due to getting used to Thalia’s pregnant look. “He’s a great guy.”

Lillia smiled at her sister. She had no doubt he was great, for Thalia to love him he must have been. But it felt wrong to her that Thalia was married and about to be a mother. Lillia still saw them as children. She wasn’t sure why, but the idea of them both being grown ups seemed completely alien. But it was true. Lillia turned eighteen this year. They’re not kids anymore.

“You’ll be an aunt soon!” Thalia said, sensing the drop in mood.

Lillia smiled again, though kept her gaze on the dirt floor. “I can’t wait.”

Immediately she wished she’d used any other words, because it sounded incredibly sarcastic. Lillia panicked.

“Wait, that sounded sarcastic, sorry, I genuinely am excited to be an aunt. I’m looking forward to holding them in my arms.”

Thalia laughed. “But?”

Lillia bit her lip. “How did you know?”

“With you there’s always a but.” Thalia pulled her cardigan back over her bump. “So, spit it out, what is it?”

Silence passed between them. In a second, it highlighted to Lillia how different they had become — how different they were. Thalia probably never had a single but — ever since she found out, she seemed to have only joy and positivity for this child. When Lillia heard the news all she could think was:

“Isn’t it a bit cruel to bring someone into this world?” The words escaped her quickly. She turned away, ready for whatever they caused. “Like, I mean, wouldn’t it be better for them not to be born?” Lillia clenched her fist and looked back to meet her sister’s gaze. “The world is slowly dying, all there is is suffering and pain.”

Thalia nodded, taking it all in. To Lillia’s surprise, she didn’t look offended at all. She looked around. Lillia thought about saying something else, but her mouth refused to open. Thalia took a deep breath. Lillia watched her, nervously awaiting a telling off or something worse. Those words could’ve been pretty hurtful, that’s why she never offered them up before. But the thought lingered in Lillia’s mind for months. Thalia is aware of how awful life can be, so for her to be okay with bringing someone else into it … Lillia had to know why.

“That’s not all true,” Thalia finally said, “They’d have me and their father too.” She looked at Lillia, placing a hand on her thigh. “And … she’d have you.”

Lillia’s eyes widened.

Me? 

“I’m sure that would be enough to make any suffering worth it.” Thalia shook Lillia’s thigh. “You’re right, though, it would be up to us to make her life as beautiful as it can possibly be. You take after nan, I’m sure you could change many things if you just tried.”

Lillia spitted out laughter, tears hanging in her eyes. “You saying I can change the world? I know you’re optimistic, but I think even that is a bit far for you!”

“No,” Thalia reiterated, “I didn’t say you could change the world, of course I’m not stupid. But you could probably change some things — ordinary people have before — and you have that fire—”

“Anger.” 

“—let’s call it passion,” Thalia stated, “You have heaps of passion. If you truly believed in something, and fought for it like nan, well, I’m sure you’ll manage something amazing. You are my sister, after all.”

“Thalia…” Lillia wiped her eyes. Her effort was futile, as the tears had already decided to depart. “Stop being so nice.”

“What can I say? I’m an expert!”

She laughed. Lillia cried. Smiling through the tears, however. Maybe Thalia was right. Lillia knew she’d never be able to fully understand it, but maybe all that suffering is worth it if you get even a second with people you love. Within her sister’s radiant light, the dying grass, drab houses, depressing clouds — they all looked so wonderful. They were ugly, broken and screaming in pain, but they were here despite that. Lillia wondered how many of the houses would have collapsed if it wasn’t for the families inside them trying their absolute best to keep them standing. Maybe all of Herafel would have disappeared, drowned in the steam of tomorrow. 

The hope was fleeting, as always. We deserve so much more than a second, Lillia mused. She looked at her sister’s stomach. You deserve so much more.

“Well,” Thalia announced, “I should be going.”

“Yeah,” Lillia agreed, “wait!” she jumped off the wall. “What were you and mum even arguing about in the first place?”

Her smile drained away. “It was nothing, just I won’t be getting my parent allowance from the government anymore.”

Lillia’s heart stopped. “What? Why?”

“Oh, silly reasons. They needed money for the funeral or something. I don’t know.” Thalia began walking away. “Anyway I don’t want to think about it—” she shot Lillia a glance “—and don’t you start worrying about me! I’ll be fine. I always am!”

That defiance of the pain, it didn’t sound confident. She wasn’t going to be fine at all, was she? That’s the problem with being optimistic all the time. Lillia felt her heart racing. When you let the act slip even a little, others can tell. Maybe not strangers, but those close to you.

Lillia’s body swayed up and down, inhaling, exhaling. Her nails dug into her palm. Deep breaths. Why did she save that right till the end? No, Lillia realized, she wouldn’t have said anything if I hadn’t mentioned it. Deep breaths. Inhale. Exhale. Again. Isn’t there something you have to do, Lillia?

Right. Nan.

She closed her eyes, ending with one last massive exhale. Her stomach no longer burned. The thumping of her heart beat slowed to regular levels. She didn’t feel angry anymore, but the fire remained. Controlled. Lillia had a goal in mind, a purpose. The flames flowed comfortably around her body, filling her with unknown determination. She had many questions for her nan, but only one held any importance to her anymore.

How do I make it so someone can be born into a better life?