Chapter 11

-Vic-

Going through my memories was hard. I miss Rachel so much more now, plus I had to go through my murder again. I just…got sucked in. And I couldn’t get out. Who knows how many times I would’ve had to see that memory if the Lord hadn’t pulled me out of it.

Just why he had to ask me questions about gender though, I don’t know. Maybe he thought that since I used to be a woman, that being a man now would make me uncomfortable, and therefore that bringing it up would get my attention. Well, he was sort of right. It did get my attention, but not at all because of what he would’ve thought.

He asked if I missed my old body. I do, and I don’t. I definitely don’t miss being Victoria, although I do miss my friends. Do I wish that I still had a woman’s body? Do I hate having to live as a man? 

No, not at all. 

Some days, I do wish I still had my old body. I wish I could be pretty and feminine and been seen by other people as a pretty woman, but…I like living as a man. I like being seen as a man. 

I just wish I could be both.

Not all the time, and not at the same time. I just wish that on those days where I want to be a pretty woman, that I could be that. And then on the days where I feel like a man, it’s perfect, because I am a man now. 

Am I?

I don’t know. But I do know that I’m not a woman anymore, and that has nothing to do with the fact that I have a male body now. Somehow, nothing feels quite right. I don’t feel quite like a woman, because how could I? I feel like a man half the time. And sometimes I just feel like neither. Sometimes I just feel like me and I want to just be me. 

Growing my hair long helped. I enjoy braiding it and putting it up, when I want to feel more like the woman I used to be. I still wish that on those days I could wear pretty clothes and makeup, but long hair seems to be the closest I can get to that. 

It’s strange, because I never feel like Victoria anymore. She’s gone, in more ways than one. But Hector was never properly me either. Hector, the man, the prince. Tevic feels more right, and I like being Vic. It’s me, but a different version of me. It isn’t Vickie, it isn’t anyone else.

It’s just me.

I’m just me.

And I wish that others would see me as such.

—————

The Lord and I spend the next few days writing down everything we remember from the memories, and we don’t talk about what I found out about him, and we don’t talk about anything he saw in my memories.

It was nice though, when he tried to stand up for me, in that memory of Jack when we were still together. No one ever stood up for me, when I was dating Jack. Rachel always supported me no matter what, but she wouldn’t have dreamed of talking back to Jack. His own friends frequently saw him mistreat me, but they probably saw nothing wrong with his behaviour. 

Jack was controlling, possessive, rude, and aggressive. And he still had the audacity to cheat on me.

Since seeing the memories, I do notice that the Lord is more gentle around me and Lisette. He promised to protect us, and he seems to be taking that vow seriously. Plus…we just understand each other a little more, now. We went through something not so dissimilar, so I think that we just…get it, a little.

We understand each other’s pain.

And then finally, after a few weeks, my bandages are ready to come off. Lisette has been spending a lot of time with Tavatta recently, since Ven and I have been focusing so much on trying to put all the memory snippets into the correct order. We need to figure out what has already happened and what could happen next. 

This whole time, Lisette has been staying in Tavatta’s spare room, apparently - although I kind of suspect that they’ve shared a bed at least once, based on how clearly attracted to each other they are. Lisette has never had a crush on someone before, I don’t think, but she makes it very obvious around Tavatta, who makes it just as obvious in return.

I’ve gathered that Tavatta isn’t a man or a woman. They are just…Tavatta. Which is nice to know, since I think that I might not be that different to them. If I was braver, I would talk to them about it. But I’m scared that I’ll be called weird, or a freak, for feeling like this. But isn’t that just my business? How I feel shouldn’t be argued over by other people - they should all just leave me alone to feel how I feel; respect that and move on. 

It’s not like I’ve never heard the term non binary before, since my best friend was a lesbian she told me quite a lot about LGBT culture, but I just…assumed that it would never effect me more deeply than having a few LGBT friends. The thought of suddenly actually maybe being a part of that community is strange to me. Not strange because it’s strange, but just because…

I have always thought that I was a straight woman.

But I don’t think I’m a woman at all.

At least I know I like men. That’s simple. That hasn’t changed; only my gender has.

“All healed up; would you like me to get the Lord?” The physician asks me brightly, but I quickly shake my head. Whilst Lisette has been living with Tavatta, I somehow ended up living with the Lord. Since our spirits are married or something, Life encouraged me to stay near Death anyway, so…it just sort of ended up like this. 

“Really? He is just in the next room, it wouldn’t be too much trouble…” the physician fades off, smiling gently. “Right then. Well, you’ve had a great recovering, well done. I’ll speak with Lord Venciv on my way out; he’s been eager to hear about your recovery.”

I raise my eyebrows at that, slightly surprised. Despite living in the same house for several weeks, the Lord and I don’t really talk, unless it’s about the book. Our spirits seem to talk to each other a lot, but that’s somewhat to be expected.

Once the physician has left, I stand up and carefully inspect myself in the mirror. Just another scar on my torso, yay. This poor body. I gently trail my fingers along the long slash scar across my chest; it starts on my left shoulder and goes down to below where my right breast would be, if I still had them. 

Ah, I see. Today is a day where I wish I had breasts and looked female. If only body parts were detachable, and then I would be sorted.

Someone knocks on my door gently, but I left it open anyway after the physician left. Glancing over, I smile weakly at Ven. He slowly enters the room, walking over to me slowly, his eyes trained on my latest scar. 

“He was right, it has healed well. You’ll be back to normal in no time,” he comments, gently reaching out towards me. I expect him to touch my shoulder or something, as he tends to do that a lot, but surprisingly he lightly rests his fingertips on the scar over my heart. Blinking a few times, I stare up at him curiously, before Ven finally meets my eyes and quickly pulls his hand back, looking shocked.

“Sorry, I have no idea why I did that,” he says hurriedly as he turns around and rushes out of the room, his cheeks a little pink.

Turns out that the Lord of Death gets flustered easily.