Chapter 12

Feeling particularly brave one day, I decide to finally talk to Tavatta. They are obviously confused when I ask to talk to them privately, since we haven’t really had any contact before. After they’re done with their work for the day, they come looking for me in Ven’s garden. It’s a beautiful area despite the lack of plants - there are a couple potted plants, but the majority of the space is a rock garden. I don’t know if the Lord is the one who created the area, but there are a few metal garden chairs and a table. It creates a relaxing space, and it’s nice to be outside after being locked inside Agnaria’s castle for so long. 

“Prince Hector?” Tavatta asks cautiously, entering the garden and smiling awkwardly at me. Smiling just as awkwardly back at them, I watch as they take a seat. “Please, just call me Tevic. Or Vic is fine too, but I’m not Hector. The Lord has explained that my soul wasn’t in this body, right?” I confirm, not entirely sure how much Tavatta knows, but I’m pretty sure that it’s quite a lot.

When they nod, I chew on my lips for a moment before forging onwards. “If you’re willing to talk about it, I was hoping I could…talk to you about your gender.” 

Tavatta looks stunned for a moment, before laughing gently. “I really thought you were going to give me the big brother talk about making sure to not break Lisette’s heart - not that I ever would, by the way - but yes, we can talk about this instead.”

Letting out a huff of laughter, I shake my head. “Lisette is her own person; I don’t even know what she was up to, in these last six years. She’s mature enough to make her own decisions about this kind of thing. So long as she’s happy, I’m happy.” Lisette and I still haven’t really had the chance to properly catch up, instead deciding to just get to know each other again as we are now. But I need to tell her the truth about who I am, too. I can’t keep deceiving her: she needs to know that I’m not the Hector she grew up with. 

But we did spend four years together as brother and sister.

“I’m sure she appreciates that. She’s very headstrong and determined, and I really respect that,” Tavatta says fondly, and my heart squeezes slightly. I’m really happy for my sister, but I can’t help but feel a little sad at the same time. It's just been so long since I last had someone talk about me in such a fond way. Not like this. 

But I genuinely don’t know if I could ever open my heart up to another person again. 

Trusting someone…putting myself in a situation where I could easily be hurt…I was murdered. I was stabbed eight times until I finally died. I can’t let myself ever trust someone again, not when they could so easily turn around and hurt me. 

Plus, as much as I liked being intimate before, since I was cheated on too, the thought of being with someone like that…it’s scary. I just…I can’t trust anyone anymore.

Clearing my throat, I bring my attention back to the present. “Anyway, I uh. I just wanted to ask you how you knew that you aren’t a man or a woman? How am I- how is one supposed to know?” I very subtly say, wincing slightly at my slip-up. Tavatta just smiles, realisation dawning in their eyes.

“Well, it’s different for everyone,” they begin, looking more relaxed now. “I always knew that something was making me uncomfortable but it took a long time to narrow down what the cause could be. And then one day it just clicked, and I realised that I didn’t like when people viewed me as a woman; when people referred to me as a lady and things like that. I’ve never had a problem with my body, just with how people see me, but at the same time I knew that I didn’t want to be seen as a man either,” they shrug, smiling warmly at me. “I just want people to look at me and see me. Do you know what I mean?” 

Nodding quickly, I chew on my lips. “Yes, I…I do. Before I came to this world, I was happy being a woman. But now I’ve spent a decade in a man’s body, and I…I don’t hate it. In fact, I really like it. Sometimes I just wish that I had the option of being a woman again. I want to be both, but not at the same time - and it’s not an even split, either. I’m happy being seen as a man around 70% of the time, so it’s quite a lot less that I want to…I don’t know, be seen as pretty and feminine.” I sigh, fiddling with a strand of my long hair. “But at the same time, I never feel completely like a woman, or completely like a man either. It’s all so confusing; I wish I knew what I’m feeling.”

Tavatta smiles sympathetically, gently reaching across the table to squeeze my hand. “It is confusing at first. My advice would be to just let yourself feel - there’s no use in ignoring your feelings or suppressing your thoughts, same way that there’s no point in trying to convince yourself that you’re something you’re not. Your feelings are completely valid and there are probably a lot of other people out there who feel the same way. Using different pronouns has been helpful for me; what do you think about that? Trying some other pronouns?” They suggest, and I give it a couple moment’s thought.

“Well…” I contemplate, thinking it over. “When I’m feeling more feminine, maybe it would help to use she/her pronouns? Or even she/they, and then maybe…he/they when I feel more masculine?” It comes out as a question, but I know that Tavatta isn’t about to tell me ‘no’. Instead, they smile warmly, squeezing my hand again. “I think that’s a great idea. How do you feel about clothing? For when you want to feel more feminine? I’m sure we could get you a few skirts and dresses?”

It’s strange to think that the first time I met Tavatta, they killed someone. It’s hard to imagine them as a fierce warrior when they’re being so kind and gentle. 

“You think that that would be alright? I’ll need to tell people though, or they won’t be able to use the correct pronouns for me…” I trail off, the thought of telling Lisette and the Lord about this is…scary. But then again, Ven always uses they/them pronouns for Tavatta, so he must respect their wishes.

Would he do the same for me?

Surely he would? I mean if I’m able to make my gender expression more clear on those feminine days then that would help everyone, I think. 

I really need to talk to Lisette. There’s so much she needs to know.

“Of course it would be alright,” Tavatta says brightly. “When I first met the Lord, I was still presenting femininely. But when I told him the truth and about my pronoun change, he was supportive and more than willing to make the adjustment. He’s a complicated person, as I’m sure you can tell, but he isn’t horrible. He’s just been hurt a lot, and it takes him a long time to be able to trust others.”

I’m not sure why we’ve ended up talking about the Lord, but I do find him interesting, so I’m inclined to find out more about him. “He was betrayed in the past, awfully, from what I understand,” I admit, knowing that Ven and I actually have quite a bit in common on that front. 

Tavatta nods, sighing slightly. “Correct, and it has made him unable to trust anyone, ever again. We have a strange relationship, because I would trust him with my life but I know that the Lord will never feel the same way, and that’s alright. I understand that it’s difficult for him. He knows that he can rely on me, but he doesn’t trust me; not really. Which is why I’m glad that you and Lisette are here now.”

Raising my eyebrows at the change of direction, I rest my cheek on my palm. “Oh? What have Lisette and I done exactly?”

“You’re interesting,” the say with a laugh. “Lisette is brave and courageous, full of determination and independence. You, I admit I do not know as well as I know your sister, but I know that the Lord has taken an interest in you, even if it’s only cursory. For so long, he has only been filled with rage and the desire for revenge, but while being unable to do anything. Your arrival has lit a fire inside him; a fire mixed with anger and hope all at once.”

Shaking my head slightly, I lean back in my seat. “I don’t think that can be true; the bit about him being curious about me, anyway. We don’t really talk, unless it’s about all this reincarnation Fate spirit stuff. But it makes sense that now he has a little more direction to his life.” After all, now we know who is supposedly going to kill him. We both want revenge, but neither of us is careless enough to blindly charge headfirst at the enemy. 

Our advantage is that we can bide our time. We can watch how things unfold, we can see if Agnaria and Lyon will end up engaged. We can live peacefully for a little while, waiting for Life and Death to fully recover from exerting so much power recently. We can wait for them to figure out more about the Fate spirit, and then when we have as much information as possible, that’s when we’ll strike.

Lord Venciv wants revenge of his betrayal, and I want revenge for mine. He wants to kill the king, and I want both Agnaria and Lyon to suffer for what they did to me. Regardless of whether Lyon is Jack or not, he still tried to kidnap my sister and started a fire in my home, which led to my parents’ murders. 

We will have our revenge.