It’s all black. Not a speck of light. I cannot even see a finger in front of my nose. Damn, how much I miss the light.

Of course it has to be dark. A dungeon. I’m managing a dungeon. What else can I expect? Dumbass.

Still, where are all the light switches? What happened to them? And if this is some old fashion gig, there has to be at least a torch or two laying around, just to light up the atmosphere a bit.

I should stop goofing around and figure this thing out.

I tap in dark. Find nothing but void. Not even a ground under my feet.

Scary.

Now, the first impulse is still to open the eyes. But as wide as I open them, I see only black.

Or listen. Do I hear my wife? My kids? That doctor or that elf wanna-be. No. It’s black-freakin’-silence.

The air feels different. Cold and dump. Reeking of decay with no ventilation. Just like a dungeon should. No. I accept. I’m not in a hospital anymore.

The vortex took me, my mind, my soul, whatever is the very essence of being me, to somewhere else.

Panic attacks me right away. What is to happen to my body? That thought spins in my head, spins, and spins till I do not know what is up and what is down. So mind-twisting it is, I feel like throwing up. I do not want to think about it anymore.

But. I’m not dead. I feel like I can move around.

And… there is pain. Still pain. In my chest. Will never be able to escape it, will I?

Then I remember. RPG games. The messages. My interface.

“Can I have some update? Some manual, something? I know how this shit works. You have to give me something. Don’t keep me hanging.”

“Or floating.”

But it gives me nothing. Not even stinking little letters and messages in my vision. It’s all just freaky black.

“Maybe something went wrong,” I mumble to myself. “Of course, it had to go wrong with me. Why would I think it would not?”

I float around, moving my hands in front of me, peddling the stale air with my feet and hands.

“Is there not gravity here? Am I inside some comet? Or an asteroid?” That thought makes me almost laugh. “And I thought I had it bad being in a hospital bed. A comfortable hospital bed that probably charges ten plus grand a day for a privilege to stay there. And that was not good enough for me?”

My extended hands suddenly touch something. It’s rough, like a rock. It is a rock. But at the same time, it’s not so tough. As I run my finger over its cold surface, I feel it getting softer. I press cautiously against it, and my finger goes straight in!

I’m sure of it. I pull my finger out and then do it again. It almost feels like sticking my finger in a thick pudding. Almost makes me want to lick it.

I drive again my finger in, wanting to see how far I can bore in, but as I find no obstruction, I end up putting my other fingers in, then my whole hand.

[CONTACT ESTABLISHED]

Suddenly, the letters are back, flashing in front of my eyes, bringing relief to me. “Here we go. Thank you, letters. And I thought I was going crazy.”

[SAMS Dungeon Management Basic Version Activated

Upload: 100 Percent Completed and Verified

SAMS ready…]

“And SAMS is short for?”

[SAMS is short for Soul Administration and Management System]

“I see. Nice to meet you, SAMS. It seems we ran into some difficulties. Just to clear it all out, where exactly am I?”

[You are inside your targeted zone. Dungeon of Blackins Mountain, Sector 23XL32nn

You landed with x-17 - 12 margins of error.]

“I see, so there was a screwup. A big one, wasn’t there? I knew it!”

[Due to the recent tectonic shifts, you have landed within hundred meters of the targeted area.]

“Hundred meters. Well, that is not that bad. I could be there in what… mere seconds.”

[Integration with the Dungeon Started

Processing the Integration: 5 Percent…]

Suddenly, it’s not so dark any longer. I can see the shapes of the walls, even the floor, a meter or so below me. I push myself down softly, and land on it.

It feels weird.

I look at myself. My perception of my body is there. My hands are there, legs. But I bet it’s just my perception because my body parts shine with a strange glow as if I’m...

I’m a freakin’ ghost! When he said he did not need my body, he was not kidding. I glow. But it’s more than that. Whenever I look, the wall glows as well.

I try walking, but my feet dug inside the ground, the ground that looks as solid as stone. But they drop in as if a stone is made of a sponge… or pudding. Actually... prefer pudding.

It's like walking through the ankle deep mud. It takes more than a dozen steps to get used to it, to learn how to properly walk without going inside the floor further. It’s almost like walking on eggs. Softly. But it’s nonsense. I can fly now. Why would I want to walk?

I look around and I feel the size of the cave I’m in. Probably five stories tall, more than ten meters in each direction.

There is a tunnel leading to my right.

But before I reach the tunnel, the letters pop up again.

[Processing the Integration: 50 Percent…

Your Holdings Finished Updating]

“And what are my Holdings?”

[Holdings:

Dungeon of Blackins Mountain, Sector 23XL32nn: 450,000 coins

Souls: 0

Denizens: 0

Equipment: 40,000 coins

Life-Inducing-Constructing Energy: Less than 1 Full Units

Coins: 10,000

Other: 0

Please note: the values of the Dungeon and Equipment are estimates based on the last transactions of similar items and may differ from the actual.]

Well, that’s good to know. A moment ago, I had only large debt. And now, in a blink of an eye, there is hundreds of thousands worth of coins at my fingertips. I just hope those coins don’t come with a face of a penny.

Suddenly, something pinches me. In no particular place. Actually, when it happens again, I sense as if it’s pinching me from the inside. As if some nasty bug has crawled inside my gut and decided to throw a stinging tantrum in there.

Strange.

“Why do I feel pain?” I ask out loud. “SAMS, do you know?”

[This basic version of SAMS Dungeon Configuration does not include Invaders Detection and Intruders Alert]

A basic version?

Cheap bastard. The Baron did not even bother to give me a good system to work with. What an ass.

I see a light, different light. Yellow, specs of it, coming from the twisted tunnel I approach. And a noise. Distant but present. Someone banging something metallic against the stone?

“SAMS, what is that noise I hear?”

[This basic version of SAMS Dungeon Configuration does not include-]

“You’re telling me this for a second time, and I am still wondering. Of course, there must be intruders. What are you supposed to do, huh? Draw me a picture so I understand it clearly?” I say as I decide to go and check what is going on.

It takes two turns of the tunnel during which I happily fly around, going toward the warm light burning brighter and the noise that is growing stronger, until I run into them.

They are men, humanoids, but smaller. I’ve seen dwarfs too many times not to recognize ones. But never this ugly. These ones have super big ears, full of hair, growing out of them. Bushes of them. And man, do they stink. There are four of them. Rugged clothes. Miners of course.

“Hey guys, mind telling me what are you doing here?” I ask politely, positioning myself right behind them, hoping to scare the shit out of their baggy pants. “Did you get lost or something?”

But they pay me no attention. All four have picks and chisels in their hands and they are swinging it in the rocks on the right side of the tunnel.

And every time they chip out a stone, it stings me. More and more.

I flash my hands in front of them. But nothing.

“Hey, you guys need to stop. This is not making me happy. You need to stop that! You hear me??”

They do not hear me. I yell harder. And harder. I yell harder than when Mat broke the big screen TV by smashing it with a soccer ball. They said that was very loud. They said neighbors two streets down could hear me. I think I yell harder now. But, unlike my family and my neighbor dash drinking buddy, these guys, don’t seem to mind.

Yet, they suddenly stop.

“Did you hear that?” one of them asks.

“Hear what?” the oldest of them, the one whose beard is almost all gray, replays with a question.

“I thought I heard something. Rocks and wind…”

“So, you do hear me?” I ask, suddenly hopeful.

When I get no answer, I remember to ask, “SAMS, why do they not hear me?”

[They cannot hear you since their hearing capacity does not include your frequency and level]

“So, how do I make them stop? They are hurting me! I actually feel pain!?”

Another pick in, another rock crumbles, another needle in my flash.

“SAMS, don’t play dummy, Answer me!” I’m exasperated now.

[This basic version of SAMS Dungeon Configuration does not include-]

“What the hell do you include then?” I cut it off.

It spits letters and words right into my face

[Menu:

Standings

Holdings

Attributes

Specials

Update:

Integration Processing 75 percent complete…]

I am not even fully integrated with the dungeon, and this crap is already happening?

I swiftly run through items I have not seen.

[Standings

Class 1

Level 1

Type: Extirpating - Putrefying - Consuming]

Nothing there. Just some general info.

[Attributes

Health 15

Strength Total 20

Power 1

Specials

None]

Nothing. There is nothing there to help me. Not a secret weapon of any kind. It’s just a bunch of reports, that’s all.

So, this is all on me. But what do I do?!? No employee to ask and order around. And this basic version of SAMS is good for nothing.

I do not know shit, but one thing is crystal clear. The more the level of integration goes up, each time they drive their picks and chisels in my tunnel, the pain goes up with it.

How much more can a person take??

I am a ghost. It’s supposed to be pain-free. That freakin’ elf. I knew I should not have trusted him. Not the moment I saw those eyes, especially when he said he was a baron. Why would anybody listen to anyone calling themselves some baron of some hemisphere or something?

Stupid moron that I am.

I run through one of the dwarfs. See his hair raise.

“Did you guys feel that?” he asks.

“Oh, you’re getting soft, aren’t you? Didn't I say he would? Didn’t I say we should not bring him along?” says the one who looks as if frowning is their national sport and he has won the first place.

“Hush, this dungeon might be dead, but there is still evil in here,” says the oldest of them all

Oh, I’ll give you evil. “I summon Balrog of Moria. There. Now, he’ll impale two of you on each of his horns. And then you'll be sorry, and you'll go crying home to your ugly mommas.”

Yeah, but Balrog of Moria does not show up. Kind of glad it did not. Don’t want to be a bad guy. I'm here for one reason, and one reason only. To get stronger. So I can get back to my kids and wife.

But how can I get stronger while… these guys are hurting me. They. Need. To go.

I try moving ground, a stone, a pebble, but nothing. My hand just goes through it all.

Their picks continue to hurt me and I run back into darkness. Away from the noise. But it still chisels inside of my heart. Hurting the very inside of my soul. I cannot escape it.

Then something else worse than pain strikes me. A thought. And thoughts are so dangerous. Worse than chisels. I realize they are digging. Not out of enjoyment, for sports, or entertainment. They are not working on their muscle tones there and this is not their gym.

They are digging for treasure. And that treasure… that’s probably my core, my heart, mind, and all that is keeping me alive here. If they get it, the dungeon will probably be dead. A little voice inside of me says I need to make them stop. But how?

Little voice, okay... I'm listening. All ears.

But I hear nothing. Such is my luck.

What I do hear are those dwarfs suddenly sounding all ecstatic. “Hey! I think we finally broke through!” one of them screams proudly just as I fully comprehend its implication.

I come and look. They seemed to have dug a hole inside the side of the tunnel. There is something on the other side, another cave. Something is shining through. Hell. Hate when I’m right.

[Integration Processing 95 percent complete]

Shit. I’ll be dead before I even get properly integrated.

Their hands reach inside the chamber, and I feel as if the very inside of my trembling soul is being molested by the dirty greedy hands of pure evil.