“Hello, welcome, welcome! I’m Connor Lynch. Which of you is Roy?” The therapist welcomed us happily into his cozy office.

“That’d be me, Roy Kaufman.” I answered, putting my hand out to shake his.

He grabbed my hand in a very dainty grip, “We’ve been emailing back and forth, it’s nice to finally meet you. I’m really glad you decided to take this step for yourself. Please sit! And who have you brought with you?” Connor was very… very energetic. But at least he was friendly and welcoming.

“This is my boyfriend, Vincent. I asked him to come because it’s hard for me to talk about some things, and he helps me relax more and feel a bit safer.” I told Connor. After sitting down, Connor wrote a quick note on the paper on his clip board.

“Great. It’s a bit unconventional to have an unannounced guest, but nice to meet you as well, Vincent. So, before we get started, I want to let you know that you don’t need to worry about anything I write down. I’m simply taking notes to better help me not only keep track of you and your information, but to also help me better understand how I can help you. Today’s session is going to be more of like an introductory session, we won’t dive too deep in right off the bat. I want to get to know a little about you first, let us get comfortable with one another. Session after this one will be more and more deep as far as the information I ask you for.” Connor said, in a calming manner.

“Alright. What do you need to know today then?”

“Well let’s start with something easy, have you ever been to see a therapist before?” He asked.

Easy answer, “No, I haven’t.” I answered quickly.

“Would you mind telling me why you’ve decided to now?” He asked, keeping his gentle tone.

Oh. That’s less easy to answer… “I – um…” I hesitated, Vincent squeezed my hand to comfort me, and it helped, “Well, I’d really like to be able to give my partner the trust, and love I think he deserves, but right now, I just don’t think I can.” I answered.

“And does that have anything to do with him, specifically?” Connor questioned, as if Vincent wasn’t sitting right there next to me.

“Uh, no. It has nothing to do with Vincent. I’m just afraid to trust people.” I admitted, as every muscle in my body tensed.

“Yes, I recall we talked about that briefly in one of our emails. I think we’ll delve into that a bit later, but for now, why don’t you tell me about you home and work life.”

“Well I just sold the house where my trauma took place. I moved in with Vincent, we’ve been living together for around two or so months now.” I answered first.

“That’s great, Roy. That’s an amazingly huge first step in recovering. What about work?”

“I’m a firefighter, though I’ve been recovering from a broken ankle for the past several week and haven’t actually been able to work.” I told him.

“And do you enjoy your work? And the people you work with?” He pressed.

“I love being a firefighter. It’s been an amazing job so far. The people I work with… I don’t mind most of them.”

“I suppose we can’t like everyone we have to work with. Do you have a hostile work environment around the coworkers you dislike?”

“It’s really only one person, and to call it hostile would be an understatement. He’s my ex-partner, and he doesn’t like that I’ve got a new partner now. Actually, just today he found me walking along the beach and tried to stir the pot between Vincent and I. It lead to an unfortunately fight, but we managed to talk it out a bit. He’s constantly getting under my skin, and I’m constantly reminding him of how much I can’t stand being near him. I hate that I can’t ever seem to get rid of him.” I vented.

“What do you mean by that? That you can’t get rid of him?” Connor looked over the rims of his glasses at him.

“He’s always around. It’s like he’s got me chipped with a GPS tracker or something. It feels like he knows where I am at any given moment. And he always works the same shifts as me at the station. He never gives me a break, or space. I just would like one week where I don’t have to see or hear him.” I vented.

“Have you reported him to the police for stalking?” Connor asked.

“We have no proof that he’s actually stalking Roy. I don’t know if the police can do anything with no evidence.” Vincent answered for me.

“If you are both truly concerned about potential stalking, I would think it’s best to bring it up and start making reports of all incidents, that way there’s a record of his behavior toward you. I don’t personally know much about the laws on stalking, but I do know it’s better to have a record of his harassment in the event anything bad comes of it. That’s not meant to be legal advice of any sort, just a simple suggestion. Now, is this ex-partner the one involved in your trauma?”

“No. That guy’s actually in jail now for continuing his abusive behavior with other partners.” I answered matter-of-factly.

“Alright, that’s good to know. May I ask a bit more about that?” Connor asked.

“Sure.” I nodded slightly, tighten the loosening my hand on Vincent’s. Connor’s eyes flickered toward the subtle movement and he took more notes.

“You seem to be a bit nervous, we can move on if you don’t want to talk about it today.” Connor answered.

“I don’t know what I’ll be will to share, but I don’t mind if you ask about it.” I replied calmly.

“Alright. So this ex who’s in jail now, what was the overall relationship like between you both?” He asked.

“Charles wasn’t a bad guy at first. But I think that’s how he pulled me in. We had a caring, trustful, lust-filled relationship in the beginning. But we had a specific dynamic, and slowly he started taking things too far. One day he’d smack me across the face as hard as he could, but the next he’d bring me gifts and apologize for hurting me. And a few days later he might… um… tie me to his bed and beat me while I was unable to defend myself, but then act like it was just another day in our lifestyle. Eventually, he started blaming me for his abuse, telling me I needed to be punished for being so disobedient.” I shared, surprising myself with how easily that much came out.

“Just from that information, I can tell you right now that it most likely wasn’t just one event that caused you this trauma response you’re having. He continually added to it over the length of your relationship with him.” Connor noted. “Do we know how he ended up getting arrested?”

“His most recent partner turned him in a few months ago. And they’ve been trying to find other former partners who might want to testify against him and his abuse. Uh… they actually asked Roy if he would too…” Vincent answered.

“Is that a contributing reason for you seeking help now?” Connor asked me.

“I don’t think it is… at least not consciously. Maybe somewhere deep down inside, it might be a reason. Who knows?” I answered indifferently.

“Mhm. Alright, well let’s switch gears again, you seem a little on edge now, and I don’t want that. Why don’t you tell me how you’ve been coping until now?” Connor said, looking over the rim of his glasses at me again.

“What do you mean?” I asked, not quite sure how to answer that.

“Well, how have you been dealing with the trauma? How do you manage relationships with people? Not just the romantic ones, but also your friendships, and family relationships too.” He clarified.

“Um. I think I manage fine, I guess.”

“And Vincent? How do you think he’s managing?” Connor shifted his attention.

“I think he thinks he’s managing fine. He has a lot of short term flings, and the one guy he had an actual relationship with after…. Um well he’s the guy we think is a stalker. And then he has a close friend, Markus, who was there for him when Roy needed him the most, and I think Roy has an emotional attachment to him. I know it’s not romantic, now, but it’s definitely a stronger bond than what is normal between two people who aren’t romantically involved anymore. And I personally think that relationship has a lot to do with why other partners haven’t wanted to settle down with Roy. Markus’ charm can be very intimidating for some.” Vincent shared way more than what I’d ever think was necessary in the first session of therapy. Honestly, I knew he wasn’t the biggest fan of the relationship I had with Markus, but I didn’t realize how much he really disliked it. It annoyed me that he felt like I was too close to the man who quite literally saved my life, and because of that, regardless of what our past relationship may have been, Markus is, and always will be, important to me.

“What’s going through your mind after hear him say that, Roy?” Connor asked me, clearly taking note of the unhappy scowl plastered on my face.

“I already knew he didn’t like how close I was with Markus. But I’ve already told Markus we have to put clear boundaries up now that both he and I have people we are interested in. But if I’m being totally honest here,” I paused to look at Vincent’s face as I said the next part, “If it weren’t for Vincent in my life, I never would have cared to put up and strict boundaries, unless Markus asked of course. I only had that conversation with him because Vincent wanted me to. I’d do anything to make Vincent happy. Vincent has a lot to do with why I want to seek help for my trauma in the first place. I mean, I admit, it’s not just for him, but if it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t have even thought about finding help. I’d just suffer alone, with Markus being the only one who knew about my past.” I said, making sure to hold my eyes on Vincent’s.

“Well that’s great to hear. But you need to do things for yourself, not because you want to make someone else happy. No matter who that person is; a loved one, or a close friend. You need to do things that make you happy.” Connor replied, making me look his direction again. He gave a gentle smile and then continued, “Your hour is up now. Let’s schedule you for another day this week, and maybe consider coming without your partner. It was a pleasure meeting you, Vincent, and I’m glad to have had this insight, but with all due respect, this isn’t couple’s therapy. It’s nice that you accompanied him today for his comfort, and you are most definitely welcome to wait in the lobby for each appointment from here on out.” Connor announced, sharing the gentle smile and calm tone with Vincent.

“Thanks for letting me stay today.” Vincent said politely, sticking his hand out to shake Connor’s hand just before he dismissed himself out of the room. Connor stood to shake Vincent’s hand, then moved to his large desk to shuffle around some papers.

“Now Roy, I can tell you’re still uncomfortable sharing your story. But you did good sharing what you did today. I hope you do get to the point where you are willing to tell me what happened, so maybe I can better focus my help. You don’t have to paint a graphic, detailed image for me, but just a little bit more would be great. But for now, I’ve got the overall idea, and we can start there. I’d like to start off with seeing you once a week, and we can figure out if we need to add or lessen our visits. So how does next week, same day and time work for you?” Connor turned his full attention to me again, now holding a small leather bound planner. He leaned back, sitting against the edge of the desk and waited for me to answer.

“Yeah, I’m good with that.” I answered, not looking directly at him now. The way he was leaning against his desk, legs crossed at the ankles, nice fitting button down shirt, slacks… the whole image had me thinking very impure thoughts, but not of Connor. The face in my thoughts was Vincent. Being dominant, looking down at me kneeling at his feet… I needed to stop thinking right now!

“Great. I’ll see you next week then.” He said, I gave a single nod then quickly and awkwardly left the room.

Who, in their right mind, would think about that sort of thing at a time like that?! Walking out into the waiting area, I grabbed Vincent’s hand, and pulled him behind as I made a quick exit to the parking lot.

“Um, you okay Roy?” Vincent asked, understandably confused with my behavior.

“Fine. Can we just go?” I asked urgently.

“Should I be concerned about why your face is beet red right now?” Vincent stopped abruptly. Small as he might be, he was still incredibly strong, and he forced me to turn to face him with a hard yank of my arm.

“No. You shouldn’t. I just was having some really inappropriate thoughts about you and me at an inconvenient time and it made me feel really awkward and embarrassed and I just want to leave as quickly as possible.” I avoided eye contact as I admitted all that.

“Look at me, Roy.” He demanded. My eyes shifted to his, and I took in the stern, yet somehow excited expression he was making. Like he was totally fine with me having fantasies of him at the end of therapy in front of another guy.

“Get in the car. You’re going to tell me every little detail of this daydream on the way home.” The look he gave me as he said that was incredibly sexy. I desperately hoped that sharing would lead to it becoming a real thing…