Suddenly, a large muscular beast rose up from the bushes. He stood nearly 7 feet tall, and was as muscular as a military soldier. His body was covered in dark fur, and his teeth were bared. Razor sharp. No doubt about it…the Big Bad Wolf! He turned to Pinocchio, rubbing his head.
“Well, well, well!” He said, with a thick irish accent dripping from every word. “If it ain’t the lil’ pipsqueak that buggered off when I came to collect ‘ole Geppetto’s debt! You know you’ve made quite a mess for me, runt! You know who I am?!”
He approached, towering over Pinocchio.
“I’m the bloody Big Bad Wolf! I’ve got a reputation!” He answered for himself. “A reputation that gets tarnished when pint-sized brats escape me!”
“Oh, I’m SO sorry for you!” Pinocchio said, sarcastically. “Go bury a bone.”
“Oh you think you’re smart, do ya?” The Big Bad Wolf growled. “Thanks to you, there’s talk of me goin’ soft, or losin’ me touch! How’m I supposed to keep the town and country as a whole terrified o’ me when they think I’ve gotten rusty enough to let a DOLL get away-”
While he was talking, Pinocchio reached for the pipe, and quickly drew it, whacking him across the nose. As he stumbled back, yelping in pain, he then lifted it with b oth hands and whalloped the wolf’s foot, causing him to hop back, holding his paw.
“YOW! OW OW OW OW!” He whined. “That stung!”
Pinocchio then took out a lighter, and lit the whole back of firecrackers, save for one he tucked away. He then threw it at the wolf, having it explode right in his face! It made a loud BOOM that echoed through the forest, and a giant cloud of smoke! Pinocchio turned and ran, knowing from the stories told about him that it’d only give him a few moments to get some distance! As he turned back, he saw the wolf running towards him on all fours! That giant blast had done little more than ruffle his fur!
“You ain’t gettin’ away that easily, ya little-” He started to roar, but he had no time to finish it, as Pinocchio threw the last firecracker into his eyes, blasting him! “OOOWAAAAGH! Ya little bastard!”
Pinocchio kept running until he made it to the three pigs’ house, quickly running into Pete’s, as it was the closest. He burst through the door and pushed it shut, pulling a cabinet in front of it.
“WOAH! Woah woah woah, where’s the fire, Nocchio?!” Pete exclaimed, surprised by his sudden entrance.
“L-look! There’s no time to explain! I don’t know how but the Big Bad Wolf found it’s way here and-” Suddenly, his nose grew once again. “U-um…okay fine! I went to try and fight him using this pipe here…a-and a pack of firecrackers!”
“The Big Bad Wolf?!” Pete questioned. “Bloody hell, ya wazzock! That’s the worst idea I’ve heard since Conner tried to scam Rumpelstiltskin!”
Suddenly, there heard a knock at the door, and went quiet. A moment later, another knock. After a moment of silence, they saw the Wolf’s face appear at the window.
“Little pig, little pig! Let me in, why don’t ya~? I need to talk with that there doll~!” He said, smugly.
“Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin!” Pete said, repeating the phrase his mother taught him. He then threw a candle at his face, hitting him square between the eyes!
The Wolf was shocked! SHOCKED I tell you! Didn’t he know who he was? He was the Big Bad Wolf! He had terrorized the farmlands, killed countless Hunters who thought they could tussle with him, and made a name for himself across the entire country! Hell, he had fought the Beast that scared Gaston off to a stand still! He growled, and thought about climbing through the open window, but then thought he needed to prove a point…
“Well then! I’ll huff…and I’ll puff…and I’ll blow this crap shack of your’s in!” He bellowed, before taking a deep breath. He breathed deeper…and deeper…and even deeper, until his mighty lungs were full! He then blew hard, creating a powerful whirlwind that unraveled the straw and rope, turning his ‘house’ into a flurry of straw!
“Book it!” Pete yelled, as he and Pinocchio ran.
Luckily, the Wolf needed to catch his breath for a moment. He hadn’t needed to use that powerful ability of his in quite a while! They ran to the nearest house, being Conner’s, and leapt through the window, startling Conner, who was in the middle of a nap.
“Heavens to Betsy, Pete!” Conner exclaimed, climbing out of his bed, ready to clobber his little brother.
“Not now, Conner! The Wolf’s after us!” Pete yelled, shutting the window and locking the door.
“The Wolf? The BIG BAD Wolf?!” Conner questioned, now helping them. “Goodness, Pete! I know I’m a trouble magnet, but I don’t want a bullock-head like him in my house!”
They were interrupted by pounding on the door.
“Little pigs!” The Big Bad Wolf yelled, now quite angry. Few people had gotten away from him even once, but Pinocchio had gotten away from him three times! Never before had he faced such ridiculousness! “I saw ya go in there! Open up and let me at the doll and nobody gets hurt!”
“Go suck a pile of poppycock ya plonker!” Conner yelled. “We gotta get to Joseph’s house…here’s the plan.”
Conner opened his closet, and grabbed some rope, along with a meat hook.
“I’ll tie this here hook to this rope, and I’ll set up a trap over the door. When he busts through, it’ll fall and stab him!” Conner said. “Should give us enough time to-”
Suddenly, his house was gone in a blink, as the Big Bad Wolf blew once again, turning his once sturdy house of sticks into a pile of splinters and kindling! Thinking fast as usual, Conner turned and threw the Hook & Rope at him. The side of the Hook clonked the Wolf in the head and dazed him, as he fell and got tangled in the ropes! Luckily, due to all his running and having used his breath twice, he was a tad too tired to chase them as they ran quickly to Joseph’s house. They burst through the door, locking it behind them. After locking the knobs, sliding the deadbolt shut, and shoving a table in front of the door, while locking the windows, they turned to see Joseph sitting by the fireplace in his rocking chair, drinking a glass of hot tea.
“Wolf?” He questioned, already knowing the answer.
“H-how did you know…?” Pinocchio questioned, nervously.
“Figured your nose doesn't just extend for no reason. And you’re a shit liar.” Joseph said, sipping his tea.
“I…I’m sorry, I-” Pinocchio started to say.
“Don’t matter. All that matters is that you know you’re wrong and stupid.” Joseph said, setting his tea down and using his cane to stand up. “Let’s get this place barricaded.”
They spent around two minutes barricading, when they heard a furious pounding on the front door.
“Alright! Let’s cut to the chase, guzzlers!” The Big Bad Wolf yelled, now completely furious. “Open up and I’ll only take the Doll and that ham-head from the straw house!”
He may have seemed quite a bit more aggressive, but that was because not only had Pete escaped him Two Times, something unheard of until this day, but Pinocchio had escaped him four times! FOUR. TIMES! If he didn’t kill him now, his reputation would be down the toilet!
“Just try and get in, ya bloody dog!” Joseph said, approaching the door. “And don’t even think about usin’ that morning breath of your’s!”
Joseph kicked the door as the Wolf was leaning his ear against it to hear inside, causing him to yelp and jump back, growling in frustration. He was pissed, he knew his breath wasn’t nearly strong enough to take down a brick house…and trying to bash the walls and door down would only break his bloody fingers! Instead, he knew he had to be tricky. He paced for a few seconds, before noticing the chimney on the roof…perfect! He used his razor-sharp claws to scale the side of the house, and suddenly drop in through the chimney!
“Heeere’s Wolfie!” He growled, happily.
As the Pigs armed themselves with what they could, Pinocchio panicked and unlocked the door, running for his life into the woods. The wolf growled, deeply. That. Was. Five. Times! FIVE TIMES! He wouldn’t be insulted any longer…this was the last straw! He completely ignored the pigs and chased after Pinocchio on all fours! He quickly caught up and pounced on him, biting and clawing at him with his sharp teeth and claws! In a matter of moments, Pinocchio was torn apart, his limbs strewn about, with bite and claw marks brandished all over. His head was torn from his neck, with one of his eyes dislodged. The wolf breathed heavily for a moment, before staring down at his handiwork and letting out a hearty laugh. He then walked off, singing to himself…he sang happily as his voice got more and more feint…
“Here I am, from Paddy’s Land, the land of High Renown! I broke the Hearts of all the girls, for miles ‘round Keady Town! And they hear that I’m a’wa, they’ll raise a hullabaloo! When they hear about the handsome man, they call O’Donoghue!”
After a few minutes, Pete found Pinocchio, strewn about all over the forest floor. With tears forming in his eyes, he fell to his knees, lifting up Pinocchio’s poor head.
“Ooooh…” He sighed, sadly. “Pinocchio, boy…”
“Y…yeah?” His head spoke, weakly and pained, causing Pete to yell and drop his head. “OW! Watch it, b-butterfingers!”
“How the bloody hell are you alive?! You’re in pieces!” Pete exclaimed.
“Yeah..I-I’m a-alos…made of w-wood!” He stammered, in noticeable pain. “I-I got broke a l-lot…j-just some…wood glue and…fixin’s and I-I’ll be…fine!”
Pete nodded, and picked up all the pieces he could, running back to Joseph’s House. As he burst through the door, Joseph and Conner sprang to their feet, with Conner needing to catch his brother before he faceplanted.
“We need wood glue! Anything to put him together!” Pete exclaimed, making sure to lock the door behind him. “He’s alive, but I don’t know for how long!”
They wasted no time, getting him to Joseph’s workshop in the back of his house, where Joseph spent easily an hour piecing him back together. By the time he was done, you could hardly tell he was broken!
“Th-thank you, Joseph…you, too Pete…I-” Pinocchio looked over at his right arm, seeing that it wasn’t how it used to be. Instead of a wooden arm, a metal and wood prosthetic was in its place.
“Yeah…guess Pete either forgot your arm or it was in too many chips.” Joseph said, patting his shoulder. “Don’t worry…I made sure it’d be at least a lil’ natural.”
“R-right…that’ll take some getting used to…” He replied, rubbing it a little. “A-and…I really am sorry about…”
“Don’t be…you’re the only one who got hurt in the end.” Joseph said, helping him off the table. “I’d say you got more than enough commupance.”
Their heartfelt conversation was interrupted by a knock on the door…it was the Wolf, back for Pete, most likely…
“Oh, little pigs, little pigs!” He said, with the smugness of a seasoned braggart. “Let me on in~!”
Pinocchio leaned out the window, and stuck his wooden tongue out at him “Not but the hair of my chinny chin chin, dumbass!” He said, mockingly, before slamming the window shut.
“WHAT?!” The Wolf Exclaimed, in total shock! He tore that brat apart! He knows he did!
He stammered to himself for a moment, before flying into an absolute rage! He thrashed around the yard, tearing up grass, flowers, and dirt, while punching and kicking the lovely ornaments that Joseph decorated it with.
“That TEARS IT!” He yelled at the top of his lungs, his voice cracking from sheer rage! “I’m comin’ through that chimney, I’m kickin’ your asses, and I’m having each and every one of you for LUNCH!”
The Wolf wasn’t too wise to announce his entire plan as loud as humanly possible, but he wasn’t just furious, he was enraged! Infuriated!! WRATHFUL!!! That stupid wooden puppet had escaped him a total of Six Times! If this news got out, he wouldn’t just lose his reputation, he’d be a laughing stock! The money he’d get from extorting the locals would CEASE! His life would be ruined! He wouldn’t go back to that! Not again! He began to scale the house once again, angrily yelling.
“Pssst! Conner! Bring that cauldron over there~” Pinocchio whispered.
“And when I get in there, you lot better be ready to say your prayed to-” The Wolf exclaimed, before dropping down into the cauldron. “AAAAIIIIE! MY BUTT!!!”
He leapt out of the cauldron of boiling water that Conner and Pinocchio had placed there. He fell back in for a moment, before scampering back up the chimney, yelling his head off. Pinocchio and Conner were laughing themselves to death as they watched out the window, as the Wolf ran along the field, and into the lake, diving ass-first into it.
“Aaaah…that bloody kid!!!” He yelled, a mix of sheer rage and humilation. “...Forget it! That brat’s more trouble than he’s worth!”
He made sure to pass by the house on his way back into town.
“Now you listen here, swines!” He said, shaking his fist towards their house. “You’re free for now but if I catch ANY of ya in town, I’ll maul you broad daylight, ya hear?!”
He walked off into town, as Pete, Conner, and Pinocchio all mockingly made faces behind his back.
Some time had passed. About a month or so. They had rearranged Joseph’s house to include rooms for Pete and Conner, and a place for Pinocchio to stay in his workshop! They didn’t hear from the Big Bad Wolf in that time, either! Guess you could say they lived happily ever after!
The End!
…or perhaps…could it be the beginning?
Comments (0)
See all