>Warning! Triggering content may be brought up in this chapter as topics of alcohol abuse, self-harm, and even attempted suicide are discussed.<

Settled on the couch with a glass of chardonnay, I keep up with the texts from Matt. Though I was unsure what to text him at first, it's been fairly easy keep a conversation once he started responding. There's something about him that makes it easy to talk to him. It also helps that we're texting and not face-to-face. He's so sweet and funny, I can't help but smile with each exchange.

💬 Hey beautiful, what are you up to tomorrow? Do you want to hang out?

Hang out?

I've not done that alone with anyone besides with Bailey or family, being hers or mine. Not in anything other than an official type setting at least, whether that be school when I was still in or work-based occasions in the past. It would be fun in theory, especially with how endearing he's been, but I'm also nervous to do so. Just talking to Kalston earlier in my own home took a lot out of me.

'Come on, be brave just this once.'

Sending him my response, I do so fast before I change my mind.

Tomorrow's not good for me, what about Friday? 💬

Not good at last-minute changes to my schedule, I hope he doesn't mind waiting a couple of days.

*Vvvurp, vvvurp*

My phone going off, I expect it to be Matt again, but it's Bailey instead.

💬 Hey, girl. I won't be home tonight. Mom needs help tonight with the kids, so I'm going to head over there after work and spend the night. Are you going to be good?

Needing a breath to prepare myself for being alone tonight, I don't want to be a burden on her. I hate being home alone through the night, it's the whole reason Bailey and I decided to move out together. That and only having to pay half the bills helps us both.

You got this, you can handle one night alone.

Glad I went to the store earlier, this wine is definitely helping with my nerves this evening.

Yeah, I'll be good. Be safe, tell your mom I said hey. Love you girly. 💬

I put my phone down as I try to find something to watch. Something funny will help take my mind off of it getting dark already.

My nerves are a wreck, I know it's probably about time to go to bed. The wine from earlier still making my headlight, it doesn't seem to be helping with my paranoia like I thought it would. Yes, I'm not as much of a wimp as I normally would be, but at the same time, I feel extra sensitive to everything around me. Feeling as if there is an eery presence lingering, waiting to pop out at me around every corner.

Am I going to be able to even sleep?

Should I just stay up and distract myself?

Contemplating my options, I think the best option would be to wait until the sun's up to sleep. At least then I'll either pass out unknowingly while watching something or find it easier to calm my paranoia to be able to sleep. Something about daytime makes things feel safer in a way.

It's not like I have anything important to do tomorrow.

Wanting to go outside and get some fresh air, I'm not sure if that's a good idea tonight. 

‘You can be brave. Just this once, prove to yourself that you aren't the scared little girl you tend to believe yourself to be.’

Pushing myself to do so, it's slightly exhilarating. That's the weird thing about me, though my anxiety can be a lot at times, I'm still an adrenaline junky. It's a weird give-and-take relationship. One ruling over the other many times, this time the trill seems to be winning.

It would be nice to enjoy one more glass of wine under the stars.

Pouring myself the first of a second bottle, I should still be under my limit with it being a moment since my last glass. Oliver rubs himself against my right leg as I do. He seems to be the only one still awake.

Picking him up, "Do you want to come with me outside buddy?" he purrs in my arms and I take that as his response.

We both venture outside, and I settle in the swing on our back porch.

Taking a sip out of my glass before putting it down, I wrap the blanket left from the night before around Oliver and myself. He snuggles underneath and that's when I hear a creaking from the other side of the porch. A dark figure startles me, making my heart jump and air catch in my throat. But, once my eyes begin to adjust to the dim light, I notice familiar blue ones a few feet away and begin to scold the one they belong to.

"Geese Kalston, you almost gave me a heart attack."

A cocky smile comes across his face as he laughs before responding.

"You're the one not aware of your surroundings love. I was about to let you know I was here, I promise, but this darn porch seems to have let on to my presence before I was able to."

Not as nervous around him as I was earlier, I'm unsure if it's because of my current state or the slight familiarity with him that is doing so. Probably a mixture of both.

A relief not to be out here fully alone, I see if he wants to move closer.

"You can sit over here if you want."

He's hesitant at first, but finally gets comes over and sits in the empty space beside me.

"So, what has you up this late?"

His statement throws me off as I realize that I'm not even sure what time it is.

"Late? how late is it?"

He tells me, "It's after one." but I don't fully register that he's done so until after I check my phone.

Chuckling at my actions, "What, you didn't trust me?" his smile is as charming as it was earlier.

Speaking bluntly, I give him an honest yet joking response.

"Well, we did just meet this morning. It takes longer than that for me to trust someone. Give it another few days."

My last statement, though a joke, has some truth to it with me being naive enough in the past to trust people too easily.

Leaning himself back, he begins to relax.

"You have a point."

Picking my wine back up to sip on it some more, Oliver begins to rouse and peaks himself out of the blanket. Noticing Kalston, he hesitates before deciding to jump into his lap. Rubbing himself against Kalston’s chest, Kalston begins to pet him.

"Who is this guy? I didn't see him earlier."

Smiling at the interaction between the two of them, I introduce my baby boy.

"That's Oliver, he's the only male in the house."

"I don't really care for cats all that much, but he seems to be a sweetheart."

His response surprises me with how sweet he's being with Oliver.

"If you don't care for cats, then what animals do you like?"

Trying to get him to open up a little, it's not for the same reason as earlier. Though I wouldn't say I trust him, I am starting to enjoy him.

"Dogs. I like dogs best, but also most other animals as well. Saying I don't really care for cats was probably a mistake of words. I just haven't found many cats that care for me. Most of them seem to be little monsters."

Laughing at his comment, he seems to have the right sense about cats. For the most part at least.

"Well, that's because many times they are. Cats aren't for the light-hearted. Most tend to love to torment people. I had one that made me have a mental break, and needless to say, we were more careful when selecting Oliver and Lilly."

Remembering the many times my old cat broke me, it was kind of ironic. I got him fresh out of high school to help with my depression and anxiety only to have him make it worse.

Kalston's voice takes me off guard, "Are you okay?" and I realize that I zoned out more than I thought I did.

"Yeah, I'm good. But. But, what about you? Do you have any pets?"

Grabbing my wine again, I notice it's almost gone already. I must have been sipping on it without realization.

Feeling a lot more on the drunker side than tipsy, I'm wondering if I should go inside.

‘A few more minutes should be fine.

"I don't have any pets currently, but I had a little dog a few years ago. He was a stinker, but I loved him. When I went overseas for a bit, he went to my mom, and by the time I made it back. He. He wasn't around anymore."

Noticing him getting quiet, I decide to change the topic and try to lighten the mood.

"Hey, hey. Do you, do you have any hobbies? Like, do you read, or anything else?" My words getting a little harder to string together properly, I take my time with them.

A grin spreads across his face as he begins to mess with me about earlier.

"Somebody seems to be drunk. I guess you took your own suggestion of drinks earlier."

Bumping my shoulder into him slightly, I tease him back.

"Hey, I'm, I'm only a little drunk. And, alcohol. Alcohol was not what I suggested earlier."

My eyes beginning to grow heavy, I know it's about time to head inside. But, I still decide to stay with Kalston a little longer.

Kal…ston, That’s a pretty name. Haven’t I heard that before?

‘Focus Maddy’

Oh yeah. What were we talking about?

‘You’re drunk.’

Right!

"Honestly, I don't normally, I don't normally drink this much. I, I don't do well if I pass my limit."

Remembering the few times that I have, they are times I'm ashamed of and I thank God I'm still alive. The thick scar I have on my upper arm is a constant reminder of a night I barely remember. Memories only of before the incident and none from during or after. If it wasn't for my brother and cousin, I wouldn't have made it that night.

"Trust me. I'm, I'm fine. I would never, never get myself that drunk, again."

My thoughts get caught up again, and I speak on things he has no clue about.

Turning himself to face me, he lifts my chin so that my eyes meet his. "Madison, where is your head right now? You can let me in. You can trust me."

The wine giving a way for my negative emotions to slip through the usual walls around them, I begin to break some.

"I, I can't. I can't trust you. I can't trust anyone."

Realizing that the last glass was probably too many, I take a moment to breathe and try to stable my thoughts to keep them from spinning out.

STOP! Stop it right now! You need to keep them inside,

‘...but don't let them devour you or you'll lose yourself again.’

Stop thinking negatively.

"Hey," His smile lightening my mood as he tries to calm me down. "Let's not worry about who you can or can't trust right now and just enjoy the stars. Okay?"

Taking another long breath, I take his suggestion and stare at the stars above. He puts his arm around me, and I lay my head against his shoulder. Needing something to hold it up instead of myself. The stars above are pretty, though they begin to make me feel dizzy. I close my eyes to help calm the feeling.

Just for a second, and then I'll head inside.