Having a strange dream, I only have a faint recollection of what it was. Though at first, it was quite a peaceful dream with me walking barefoot on a beach as water lapped over my feet and the sun began to set. That much I do recall, beyond it, the only thing I remember is the peace leading into severe heartbreak. The kind so intense it feels as though something inside me was breaking. Like a piece of me was being torn away.

Tears dried down my face, I've only cried one other time in my sleep. I wipe my face clean before heading to the kitchen, and let the dream fade away from my mind. It wouldn't be the first time, and unlikely the last that I have a dream of such severity. In reality, something of that kind isn't even that bad in my book. Yes, the pain is lingering and I'm a bit curious as I'm not familiar with hurt of that severity, but the simple fact that it's heartbreak and not fear that is lingering makes it take a lower rank in my books.

Wandering to the kitchen and beginning the brew of some coffee, I'm reminded of the fondness I had when sharing some with Kalston yesterday. I've been getting more comfortable with him with every moment we share. It also puts me on guard about the matter of how my walls seem to be wobbly around him.

Pouring myself a cup of coffee, I shout out to Bailey to see if she wants one as well.

"Hey, love! Coffee's done, do you want a cup?"

Walking around the corner voicing her response, "Yeah, is my mug clean?" she’s wearing pastel-based purple, orange, and green eyes shadows, gold and green contacts, one of my flower crowns, and elf ears all along with her usual work attire.

Confused at her choice to wear the git up to work, it's not that I'm against costumes and dressing up, I too enjoy dressing up randomly, it's simply unlike her to do so for work.

"What's with that?" I ask motioning my hand up and down at her face to point more specifically out of what I'm referring to.

Looking at me befuddled, she laughs before responding.

"It's Halloween, dork."

Realizing that I haven't been keeping track very well of the date, it doesn't surprise me that Halloween snuck up on me as it did. With me not celebrating it anymore, I had even less concern to try and keep up with it.

"Oh, that makes sense now."

With Bailey still one to celebrate most things that I don't, I wonder if she has plans for the evening.

"So, does that mean you'll be out this evening?"

Handing Bailey her mug, she takes it before responding.

"Yeah, I'll be taking the twins out while Mom stays home with Hope. I figured I'd give her a break for the evening. I offered to take Hope too, but with her still being a baby, mom wanted to stay in and get some one-on-one time with her instead."

Realizing that tonight will be another one left alone, I take a breath to calm my already becoming bothered nerves. Bailey takes note of my behavior and tries to calm my anxiety.

"I'll be home tonight though. So, don't worry."

Trying to reassure her, I don't want to hinder her plans or put any added pressure on her. She does a lot already for her mom by trying to help take care of her siblings when her dad is deployed, I don't want Bailey to have me always on her mind as well.

"Don't worry about it girly. I'll be good. I don't want you to come home that late, especially on a night with so much activity." I refer to both that of the physical and spiritual activities taking place tonight.

Unable to get past the darker side of the holiday, it's why I no longer celebrate it anymore. I hold no judgment to those who do celebrate it, whether Christians or not, I understand everyone doesn't see it the same way. I'm not going to question someone's salvation just because they celebrate things I choose not, but I also can't have a settled conscience over things I feel a need to stay away from.

Bailey checks to see if I truly will be okay staying another night alone, her face and tone both show that she doesn't believe I will be.

"Are you sure?"

Having to come up with something that will help settle her worries, I come up with a solution I might actually have to fall onto if my paranoia gets too bad.

"I'll be fine, and if not, I can always drag Kalston over to keep me company."

Enjoying the thought of spending more time with him, I realize that I'm not even sure if he'll be free tonight and begin to feel guilty for doing so.

What if he has plans too?

‘Bold to presume that he wouldn't.’

He might very well have plans, and if not, why would I assume he would just be willing to be my comfort for an evening?

‘You're thinking too much into it. All you need to do is ease Bailey's worries. You'll be fine tonight.’

Bailey having a teasing grin come upon her face takes the opportunity to question me on my forming relationship with our new neighbor.

"Speaking of Kal, I've noticed how friendly he seems to be with you. But, I thought you were trying to get with Matt?"

A bit nervous about the topic of both men, I blush before trying to clarify things.

"He's just a friend. They both are actually. Kalston likes to flirt is all. You'll see the more you get to know him."

"Honey, that man might be a flirt, but the way he was talking about you the other morning was more than ‘just friends’. He definitely has a thing for you. And when did Matt become ‘just a friend’? I thought you said you liked him?"

Her referring to our conversation the other morning, I'm beginning to realize where her misconception came from.

Trying to illuminate things a bit more, "Yeah I like Matt, but I was referring to liking him as a friend. He's cute, yeah, but I don't know him enough yet to have any mature romantic feelings for him. Maybe I have a crush on him, like I said, he's cute and seems pretty awesome so far, but a school ground crush isn't something I would say is enough to confidently say I want to step out and form anything romantic with him."

Thinking about the two guys, I realize that they are both almost opposite of each other. At least from what I know of them, they seem to be.

"Okay, maybe I have a bit of a crush on Kalston too, but that right there is why they are both ‘just friends’. You've known me to have crushes too easily in the past."

Bailey squints her eyes for a moment as she looks off into the distance and thinks back for a moment before speaking back up. Her response is something I'm all too aware of.

"Yeah, you have. I remember in high school how you seemed to like a lot of guys simply because they were attractive and nice to you."

Bouncing her head from left to right, she speaks once more.

"Honestly, I've had a few to based on those circumstances too. So, I get where you're coming from. Just be careful to make your intentions clear to both guys. You do tend to flirt unintentionally. I know you, so I'm aware it's you being sweet and bubbly, but many others don't see it that way. There have been a few guys I had to ward off from you that miss took your signals."

Chuckling a bit with her next response, her words are new to me.

"A couple of girls too."

"Really, who?" I ask, wondering who she's referring to.

Thinking for a moment, she states some familiar names.

"Sam for one, then there was Laine, Charles, Zaviour, Becca, and some others I can't recall exactly right now."

I'm a bit taken aback by how many she recounts when I've, for one not intended to let any one get the wrong idea, and second, how a few of the names surprise me that they even had a thing of me. Laine and Charles, I did wonder, but the others take me by surprise. Becca was a good friend at one point, and I begin to wonder if her feelings for me are part of why she fell away from my life.

"Oh, well thanks for that. And thanks for making me more aware of it now. I wish you did so sooner though. A lot sooner." I laugh a bit with my response.

Enjoying the rest of my morning, the topic of romance fades away relatively quickly after that, and Bailey not much later heads out to work.

My mood is bright as I dance to worship music in some comfy clothes. With not much to do today, I figured it would be a good time to do some cleaning. I’m currently working on the living room, though every time I go to put something up in another room, my attention gets pulled there. Many would say it's not a good strategy, but it works for me.

The music uplifts my spirit, and I begin to sing the words aloud. I may not be the best singer or dancer, but that doesn't stop me from letting the music move through me. It many times is one of my favorite ways to worship.

I sway back and forth bouncing some as I get into the song currently playing.

"...You're the only one who can love me like that. Forget what I've done and take me right back!"

The lyrics are ones that make me feel loved. I've not had an easy life, though it has been better than that of what many others had, it's nice to know that the Creator of us all, of our world and everything that makes it up, is a Being that loves me through all my faults and mistakes.

"...Oh, you know me. Still, you want me..."

I twirl, maneuvering around the obstacles, both living and not that's surrounding me. Taking some items to my room, I notice the green light of my phone blinking to make me aware of an awaiting message. Taking a look, I notice that it's from Matt.

💬 Hey, I know it's short notice, but would you like to go to a Halloween party with me tonight?

Kind of wanting to go, my convictions and anxiety both say I shouldn't.

I would love to go, but I don't celebrate Halloween. Maybe we can hang out later this week instead?💬

I wait a bit for his response. It doesn't take long before it comes through.

💬 Oh, okay. May I ask why you don't celebrate?

Sitting down as our responses back and forth don't take much time between each other, I take the moment to pause from cleaning.

Religious reasons mainly.💬

💬 That makes sense I guess. I would love to hang out later this week. Any ideas of what to do?

 I'm not sure yet, you?💬

💬What about a movie Wednesday?

Not having gone to a movie in a bit, it seems like a fun idea.

‘But isn't that a bit dateish?’

Reminded of Bailey's warning to let both gentlemen know where I stand, I don't want Matt to get the wrong idea.

'I haven't gone to the movies with a friend in...'  About to continue with the message, I decide to delete it.

Better make it more clear. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I also would rather be blunt than too vague and still possibly give him the wrong idea.

A movie would be great, but it's not a date, right? We don't know each other all that well, and I don't want you to think there is anything between us that isn't.💬

More satisfied with the second message, I send it. Matt's response doesn’t come right away, so my mind begins to wonder why.

‘He did have the wrong idea, and because you waited so long to correct him, he's hurt now.’

'He probably hates you now, good job.'

No, he doesn't hate me, right? He probably is hurt though, so that's not much better.

'Chill, he'll be fine and it's better late than never to straighten things out.'

Taking a breath, I calm my nerves and it's not much later that Matt's message does come.

💬I would like it to be a date, but I understand your stance. I don't want to push you into anything you are uncomfortable with. A movie, as friends, would be nice still. Maybe one day, when we do know each other more, you'll let me take you on a real date? I'll be sure to ask you out properly, though, to avoid getting our wires crossed.

Smiling at Matt's response, I'm thankful he doesn't seem to be hurt. Thank you, Lord.

Do you know what movie you want to see?💬

Changing the topic off of dating and back to our plans, I get back to cleaning and am sure to keep a close eye on my phone to not let my responses be too delayed.