“Ah my son!” my father says joyfully, Herschel looks almost as confused as me. The Duke brings him into a hug slapping his back, a hollow sound rings out through the room.

“Herschel boy! If only I could leave my Dukedom to you, you know you’re my favorite, yes?” Herschel laughs nervously, I feel a pang in my chest at this statement.

“Daughter! Herschel is my favorite and I wish to leave everything to him when I die!” he says overdramatically. My father had taken Herschel in for unknown reasons when I was about two, I love Herschel and don’t talk to my father much but the jealousy I feel move through me in that moment is undeniable. Herschel isn’t even his real son, he has a real son who does everything he can for your affection, and a daughter he doesn’t even acknowledge. My chest burns, it hurts and I am angry at myself for being jealous of Herchel for the affections of a man I couldn’t care less about. As my father repeats his words multiple times in his drunken stupor, stroking Herchel’s hair out of his face, tears welling in his usually cold and distant eyes I can’t take it anymore, I feel as if I'll explode if I don’t do or say something.

“I…” I say softly Herschel looking at me, my father not noticing I even opened my mouth.

“I feel faint, I'm going to lay down.” I sigh, even in his inebriated state my father is too far away for me to stand up to, he's untouchable. I feel as a child would and not like a woman on the cusp of marriage. I walk out of the ballroom, my chest feels heavy like I can’t breathe. I walk quickly, my mouth dry; I wish it was Lady like to scream, I walk past a group of girls from the court they’re older than me, not by much, most already married.

“My Lady!” one calls out to me, i’ve seen her around often; Perfect blonde curls frame a symmetrical face caked with light makeup to make her skin appear whiter than it is naturally, i can’t help but wonder if this is what i am to become someday.

“The girls and I saw you in the garden with the handsome scholar from the capital. Is he courting you before your debut?” she asks suddenly and my mind flashes with what Herschel said, I can’t trust anyone in this house so I must choose my words carefully

“Mr.Walsh Is my teacher, we were having class outside, my… father said it would be better to get fresh air while studying, and it nurtures the mind.” I lie a bit hoping the conversation would end.

“Oh the Duke is no one to turn your nose at, if I was his wife I’d be at his side always.” she takes out her bright pink fan pretending to swoon. I feel a sigh escape my lips only for her to continue before I can concoct a response.

“Oh and your brother! True he used to be sickly and plain but he’s really grown into a man, although I hear he’s taken a lover If my husband ever dies.” she feigns a swoon and I feel my fists clench. It’s always about Darius and how perfect he is.

“What about the guard boy?” another lady speaks from behind and the blonde lets out an excited squeal.

“Oh so rugged! He’s probably not the brightest but that would just make him a sweet boy” she fans herself faster and my heart pangs with a new found jealousy.

“You do not talk about Herschel that way, He is not a prize dog for you to pick on, he is smarter than any of you. And Darius is not as great as he seems, I wouldn’t know much about the duke, he doesn't speak to me.” I breathe heavily and the woman looks slightly taken aback.

“It’s just a bit of girl talk, we were trying to include you.” she fans herself again turning up her nose at me.

“I do not wish to be a part of your girl talk.” I say through clenched teeth glaring at the floor.

“These people you are romanticizing, they have feelings and flaws, they are not always nice and the way you speak about them disgusts me.” The feelings I have built inside come crawling out once again and I can’t help scolding myself in my head for not being better.

“My brother almost died three times last year alone, he has just gotten his health on track, you are fetishizing the duke because he holds power with no regard towards the duchess, you are making assumptions about a wonderful man’s intelligence because you see him as lower than yourself, and you are trying to spread rumors that I am damaged goods because you are jealous of a student teacher relationship.” I huff still not raising my eyes from the ground.

“Father’s can have favorites, Brothers can be unforgiving, sweet boys can scare you, and teachers can just be teachers now if you will please excuse me.” I finally look up at her, her face holding the same disgusted look my mother gives me when I make a mistake while performing my music.

“I am tired, and going to bed.” I close my eyes feeling my head pound right behind my eyes, I need to remember not to burst so much, first at my brother then the crying and now this.

“You’re correct my lady.” I open my eyes surprised by her response, she has returned my glare and leans into me.

“You should consider; Father’s can have favorites, just as well as children can disappoint. Brother’s can be unforgiving, little girls can get bitchy. Sweet boys can scare you, maybe you deserve to be scared. Consider that if everyone around you is less than ideal, perhaps you are the problem.” She stands back up, opening her fan with a crack and then walking back to her group.

I slam my door, my breath being caught in my chest, I feel like fire is in my lungs, a flame that grows with each intake. My mind buzzes wildly, a defining noise. I feel my stomach lerch and my mouth water in the familiar feeling as a shiver runs down my spine. I can not get sick! I shake my head and start hyperventilating 

"No no no no NO NO NO!" I cover my mouth, my chest tightens as adrenaline pumps through my veins. Suddenly the door opens. I turn to see Mr.Walsh is on the other side of the door, his face is concerned.

“Mis.. Mister” I try to ask why he’s here but can’t get the words out, he walks up to me and takes my shoulders.

“Adilyn? Adilyn look at me, you have to recognize you’re having an anxiety attack.” I feel as if he’s distant, his voice echoing in my brain. Although he’s right in front of me.

“Adilyn,” He says my name, much calmer cupping my cheek before he moves me to sit on my bed, he kneels in front of me and takes my hands.

“You need to focus on my face, and repeat after me.” My lungs burn, tired from breathing so hard, I feel sick like I may lose consciousness.

“I am your teacher Adilyn, you have to listen to me.” I swallow hard, focusing on his face, his eyes, a deep blue like the night sky.

“My name is Sullivan, I am Twenty Nine, I hate teaching.” This confuses me, I have no idea why he’s saying such things.

“Repeat it Adi.” He says sternly and I can feel tears prick my eyes, My chest burns and my voice cracks but I manage.

“Y-your name is Sullivan, you’re twenty nine, and you hate teaching.” Every word comes out like metal against metal, speaking feels like a chore, pushing a large rock to a place I do not know the reason for.

“Say it again.” He says softer this time and I feel exhausted, I shake my head. I don't want to. I can't breathe so talking is not on my mind.

“Your name is Sullivan, you’re twenty nine, and you hate teaching.” I can’t help but breathe less when I talk.

“Again Adi, focus on the words.” Mr.Walsh says and I take a deep breath closing my eyes thinking about the words.

“Your name is Sullivan, you’re twenty nine, and you hate teaching. Why must I keep saying this?” I can’t help but ask, Mr.Walsh lets out a sigh of relief,

“When you’re having an anxiety attack, repeating mantras and focusing on one thing can keep you grounded and calm you down.” He looks away with an embarrassed expression on his face.

“At the moment I couldn’t think of a real montea so I just said things about myself.” he stands and dusts himself off.

“How did you know that would work?” I ask softly, staring at my hands, embarrassed by such an outburst coming out once again.

“I’ve had my fair share of anxiety attacks My lady.” I can feel his smile without looking at him. There are footsteps in the hallway that grow closer until Herschel stands at the door.

“Ay Teach, what… what’re ya doin’ here?” He asks and I feel heat spread through my cheeks, an older man in my room would look scandalous in any context.

“Leaving.” Mr.Walsh says simply walking past Herschel a little too quickly, Herschel watches him leave, I can barely see the tightness in his jaw before he closes the door and rushes to me.

“Are you alright? I couldn’t get away from your father. I'm so sorry did he do something?” he asks quickly and I wipe my face,

“No, Herschel, everything is ok.” he narrows his eyes as if he doesn’t believe me taking my hand.

“I heard yelling in the hall, if he touches you, you tell me alright?” he asks and I shake my head.

“Everything is fine he wouldn’t do that.” he grabs my face in his hands, almost panicked.

“You don’t know that Adi! He could be planning something you can’t trust anyone in this entire damn house but me, not your teacher, not your brother you understand that?” He asks and I try to push him away.

“Herschel you’re hurting me.” he squeezes my face so hard I feel as if my cheeks are about to burst.

“Good then you won’t forget, i’ll talk to your father about this and he’ll take care of it.” I try to shake my head.

“Nothing happened Herschel.” He scoffs standing up and wiping his hands on his shirt.

“That’s just what he wants you to think, I do these things because I care about you Adi, let me take care of it.” I keep quiet, he’s probably right. I've always been trustworthy. I haven't known Mr.Walsh for more than a year, I nod and he pats my head.

“Good girl, i’ll be back later.” he says softly before straightening his clothes and walking back out the door leaving it open again.

The day before the debut I stand on a raised platform again while finishing touches are done to my dress by Archer’s daughter. My mother fumes on the couch in front of me angered that I had overslept. After Herschel left I layed down and slept for hours, and woke up still exhausted.

“You know how many hours we lost because of you girl?” My mother fans herself quickly huffing in her seat.

“You can’t have bags under your eyes for your debut.” Her words sound far away, I feel numb. I don’t even flinch at the pin pricks Ellen can’t help but make while she mends my dress.

“Oh! Sorry… oh! Sorry… Oh! Sorry” she whispers in a high voice almost too soft to hear, overshadowed by mother’s ranting.

“I’m sorry mother.” My mind feels like it’s covered in a wool blanket, like if I stared at the floor for too long I would expel my breakfast, cut in half by my father and forced down my throat by my mother despite not feeling the need to eat. I wish more than anything to go back to sleep, my stomach cramps tightly with the gas made from dairy in my coffee.

“Adilyn, are you even listening to me?” My mother cuts through my thoughts sharply and I come back to reality.

“I’m sorry mother.” I say again and she huffs putting her fan away, she reaches over taking some of her medicine the powder disappears from her knuckles.

“You’re so quiet today, it’s nice, finally a good little girl.” she smiles before taking my chin and kissing my cheek.

“Now dearest isn’t it beautiful?” She stands me in front of the mirror, I look at myself, my skin seeming sickly under the lights. Dark circles under darker eyes, not the caramel brown of my brother and mother I longed for. Black and soulless staring back at me. I felt like a pig staring at myself despite the extravagant fabric. Feathered brown hair falling down my back.

“Mother are… my breasts are too large?” I can't help but ask only to hear her tut softly with a sigh.

“Darling we can fix that with a higher corset, don't worry no one will know until your wedding night and your diet will take care of that.” Her words have an encouraging tone but cut deeper in me with each syllable. I sigh deeply, unable to stare at myself for any longer.

“Thank you mother.” I say softly

I walk out after changing into my normal dress only to be scooped into the familiar arms of Herschel, he chuckles at my shocked expression.

“Darling if I could kiss you at this moment.” he lets me go bending down to kiss my hand softly the way he likes, causing me to laugh.

“I have a place to take you, come with me my wonder” he pulls me back into him his smile causing my breath to get caught, I feel as if i’ve been punched in the chest by his rugged looks.

“Alright beautiful are you ready?” He asks me while cupping my cheek, his hands are rough and calloused for years of training, large skilled hands so gentle against my skin. My face heats up at his touch and I can’t help clasping my hand to his and leaning into his comforting touch.

“Now i’m ready” I feel myself smile back and everything feels right in that moment, He chuckles softly and I feel him press his nose to mine softly before moving quickly his hand in mind dragging me to the east side of the house.

“Then we must make haste my beauty, I am giddy with excitement.” He pulls me along and I can’t help laughing loudly as he pulls me into the familiar garden under my favorite caeruleum tree, fully in bloom sense the day of the picnic with Mr.Walsh only a few days ago, blue petals falling around me in the most beautiful sight i’ve ever seen and my heart is full if for just a moment.

“It’s quite cliche isn’t it?” I can’t help asking and Herchel laughs loudly, his eyes seem to twinkle and I feel my breath catch as it does every time I look at his smiling face.

“Adilyn Wardwell… I want to be your savior, your everything, I wish to promise my hand to you and in return ask for your life, your devotion, and your soul.” He says taking my hand in his reach into his pocket.

“And I would like to seal that promise, if you’ll be so gracious to accept, with this ring.” he talks slowly, deliberately before taking out a gold ring with a blood red stone sparkling on the band.

“It isn’t fancy for I can’t pay for much but I hoped it was to your liking.” He smiles at me the same smile he always has.

“Will you please accept it and promise yourself to me?” He asks, I realize I've been quiet this entire time, my mind is buzzing as the wind blows softly, the beginning of the caeruleum tree’s fruit is just barely noticeable in the air and I swallow. Every second feels like an eternity and I wish to be caught in this moment until the end of time. I notice every moment I don’t answer the grip he has that has moved to my wrist gets tighter. I take deep steady breaths trying to gather my thoughts enough for a coherent answer,

“Herschel…” I look from the ring to him, my heartbeat doubling in pace at the sight of the handsome man I've known my whole life.

“I want nothing more in the world than exactly that.” I answer finally, a grin spreads across Herchel’s face before he pulls me into him into a tight embrace.