I can't help but glance nervously at Herschel as he stands in the doorway of the room. As a way to not raise suspicion or cause rumors in the capital, Mr.Walsh wasn’t instantly fired or incarcerated. Herschel told my father he had found my teacher with his hands on me under my dress, groping me as I cried for him to stop. I tried to correct him but was talked over by the sea of outrage that was my father and the king. Suddenly I couldn’t find my voice any longer, so here I sit as Mr.Walsh teaches in monotone, not looking in my direction. I’ve sat in this space many times through the year, there is no laughter now, the only face my now fiancé gives is a cold stare as he stands with his arms crossed.
I don’t concentrate on the lesson, everything seems far away. The world is so hot and muggy even despite the weather getting colder as the summer races closer to its end with every passing day. Herschel steps through the doorway stopping his staring.
“This is over” he says simply and Mr.Walsh places his book down, brows furrowed in confusion.
“We have twenty minuets left..” He reasons and Herschel readjusts his new official knights uniform, he presses his mouth into a thin line.
“That doesn't matter to me, she’s learned enough.” He dusts off his shoulder standing tall and superior compared to the older man.
“Adilyn, come with me.” He says simply pulling my chair out while I'm still in it, Mr.Walsh opens his mouth to say something but decides not to when the other man glares at him. I stand slowly before my waist is captured in familiar strong hands and I'm pulled into Herschel’s chest, he rests his head in the crook of my neck breathing deeply for a moment. I look over and see Mr. Walsh rolls his eyes before picking his book back up. After only a moment Herschel escorts me out of the room.
“How am I supposed to learn if you keep taking me out of class?” I can’t help hearing Herschel chuckle, a hollow sound compared to the laughter I'm used to almost fake.
“Adi, you don’t need to learn anymore, you’re engaged to me so you don’t need to impress any suitors.” He smiles before his expression darkens for a moment,
“Besides I can’t stand that man looking at you for even a moment, so forgive me if I wish to have you to myself before I take you to see your mother.” He takes my hand and bends down pressing his lips to my knuckles, a memory of Princess Odette’s smiling face flashes through my mind and I swear I can hear her giggle through the halls despite her returning home a week ago after Herschel was Knighted. I feel myself wince slightly before being spun by my promised.
“I am ecstatic and enchanted that you are mine, Adilyn Wardwell.” Herschel brings me closer to him, pressing our bodies together almost uncomfortably tight.
“Say it for me won’t you? Say you’re mine Lady Wardwell?” he asks almost desperately and I feel my mouth going dry. Before I can answer him, footsteps interrupt us as Ophelia rounds the corner.
“My lady!” she calls and Herschel growls in annoyance turning to the girl who almost trips when she sees his face.
“How dare you interrupt the lady? What gives you that right? I should strike you down where you stand!” He yells suddenly and something about it is so familiar it shakes me to my core. Ophelia swallows hard, she looks as if she’s been crying, she shudders as Herschel continues to yell at the girl,
“Herschel maybe you should…” he silences me with a glare and I feel powerless once again.
“Stay out of this!” He says simply, Ophelia’s voice is sheepish as she talks next, almost sounding on the verge of tears.
“F-forgive me my lady b-but the lord wardwell is calling for you…” she says softly and I am overcome with surprise, my brother has not talked to me in almost a month, let alone called on me.
“I will go with you.” Herschel says matter of factly and I shake my head, I don’t know the reason my brother wishes to speak with me but I can only hope it is to finally accept my apology.
“No Herschel.. He only called me and I’d rather not make him feel as if I don’t trust him.” I say softly and Herschel’s brows furrowed.
“I told you before Adi you can only trust me.” he reasons and I shake my head again, walking to Ophelia’s side.
“Until we are married I am still above you despite your new status Herschel don’t forget yourself.” I speak softly without much confidence. Herschel clenches his fists looking away from me speaking through fitted teeth.
“I will escort you rather than Her” He glares at Ophelia before pushing her away and grabbing my waist again.
I walk to my brother’s room, a room I've seen a hundred times before, a place that once served as a sort of sanctuary was now so foreign to me. Hopefully the comfort of the large dark wooden door would return to me, Large intricate carvings in the marble, totems put there when my brother was young and sick. The boar signaling good health, grape vines meaning growth, butterflies for good luck. I wanted to learn stone carving or even just drawing when I was young. I was told as a woman my hands were too weak and dainty for carving marble, but too fat for delicate drawing. My brother learned to draw while bed ridden many years ago, as I walk in I see an unfinished mural on his wall. A woman with chocolate skin and closed eyes, Full lips and long curled hair draped around her nude body, her lips were full and smiling. She was so beautiful although unfinished the portrait took my breath away.
“Darius?” I ask softly as to not startle my dear brother, said man comes from his adjoined bathroom drying a brush with a cloth.
“You… called for me brother?” I say and he doesn’t look at me, his brows furrowing, I’m worried by his sunken eyes he looks exhausted.
“Darius, have you been sleeping alright?” I ask and He laughs bitterly, placing the brush with the others.
“It’s so rich to hear you say that Lynn, acting as if you care for someone other than yourself.” He hasn’t looked at me since I walked in,
“I forgot to Congratulate you on your upcoming nuptials.” The poison dripping from his words has me flinching, his normally neat and tied back hair is unkempt and loose cascading down his shoulders.
“Y-you don’t need to do that Darius but I said I was sorry for what I said to you before I feel just terrible.” He interrupts me by throwing his art supplies across the room causing a loud clattering sound to ring out.
“You think I give a damn about a comment you made half a month ago? How stupid do you think I am?” He growls finally looking at me, my unease makes more sense now as he glares, the anger seething from him is so familiar to me.
“I-I don’t understand Darius, I'm sorry.” I say softly and he walks to me, grabbing my face tenderly.
“You don’t understand? You don’t understand?! How gallivanting around thinking there could be no consequences could affect those around you?” his grip tightens and I try to push him away, He grabs my arm slamming me against his door. When did he get so strong?
“You think everything is wonderful? You’re getting married! You’re doing what everyone wants! Do you have any idea how harmful your actions are?” my breathing picks up and my mind swims wondering what he could possibly be talking about,
“You are so entitled, so selfish! taking everything from me! You think you deserve this? You think you deserve something so wonderful?” He’s pushing me so hard I can feel my skin bruising already.
“Darius you’re hurting me…” I feel tears brimming in my eyes. I can't bring myself to look at his face before his hand moves from my chin to my throat.
“Good, maybe you’ll understand how I feel when you leave thinking you can take everything I have and everything I’ve ever loved with you! You’re sick! You don’t deserve to have what's going with you when you leave.” I feel my airways becoming tighter as I struggle to breathe.
“You forget yourself sister. you stand below me, thinking you can just apologize for the things you do and everything will be ok? Everyone will forgive you? For being wrong and such a displeasing excuse of a Duke’s daughter. You are in MY shadow and you should act like it instead of thinking you can do whatever you want and then leave with everything to an entirely different territory!” I gasp when he moves me, throwing my body to the ground limply. The pain and the cold from the stone steps blossoms up and through my side where I landed until it reverberates in my head causing my teeth to clamp on themselves. Luckily my tongue wasn’t in the way.
“It’s not a coincidence everything you do is a failure, everything you come in contact with becomes shit!” he yells at me and I feel my body shaking as I try to sit up.
“D-darius please..” I’m still so confused on why he’s angry tears slipping down my cheeks, I mentally curse myself for crying again.
“You. are. Inadequacy. Incarnate.” he scrunches his face at me before spitting at my feet, I can’t find the strength to try and sit up farther.
“I should kill you where you stand.” he huffs softly and looking up at him makes my heart stop and my blood run cold. From this angle I finally understand the familiarity of his anger as well as Herschel’s. As the boy I grew up with sick in bed stood above me, I saw my father looking back at me. His stance, and his anger which shook me to my core. The world around us went dark and I could only see him and the way his eyes burned staring at me. His words fell on deaf ears, tears streaming down my face uncontrollably, his hands were balled into fists paint splattered over his pale skin.
He walks to his wall where the mural is placing his hand on it and letting out a deep sigh, finally done yelling at me. I can see the picture closely now and for longer, delicate strokes and a familiar bed sitting under the woman that made me realize it’s not just a portrait of a woman, but a still life of a girl, a real person who has been naked in my brother’s bed and laughed with him, and loved him as he painted her. And Darious loved her as well. After a moment more of looking at it the girl pictured comes to fruition.
“That… that’s Ophelia isn’t it?” I can’t stop myself before I ask and his fist clenches again. Ophelia is the maid that will leave the castle with me after I’m married meaning he won't see her anymore. I can suddenly see past his anger into the pain surging through him at the thought of losing the girl he loves. It’s different from what I felt when I saw Herschel with the princess, and in that moment I knew that Darius was only angry with me because he couldn’t be angry at the person who assigned her to me, our father.
“Please Linny…” He says softly, his voice breaking slightly, he doesn’t look at me but only the wall.
“Go away please.” his request is barely above a whisper, I stand slowly feeling my side throb an objection but walk to his door anyway. I know I should turn and hug him, tell him everything is going to be ok that I don’t want… I open the door slowly to see Herschel with a worried expression on his face. It turns angry when he sees how I look before I close the door. He knows he can’t do anything to my brother, he hugs me and I wince slightly. Herschel insists on taking me to my room and I let him after some insistence that I can walk there myself.
After resting for the remainder of the day as well as the following night, I am finally able to leave my room after my betrothed falls asleep next to my bedside. I could not truthfully sleep another moment even if I wanted to. Despite the well placed makeup to cover my fresh bruises I keep away from most workers as well as nobles who had overstayed their welcome in my opinion after my debut. In truth they were only around so they wouldn’t have to travel back for the rushed wedding of the Duke’s only daughter. People have made me more tired these days, I used to love introducing myself to strangers despite the eyerolls and scoldings I received from my mother for being too friendly and wasting time. Now the thought of talking to a stranger and telling them who I am, the people I come from sickens me to my core. I feel my heart leap to my throat when the Viscountess mentions my name talking to the other ladies of the kingdom.
“..and I heard he was her teacher!” She laughs and the other ladies join in, one with a particularly shrill voice speaks next.
“A regular teacher's pet isn’t she? I guess we don’t have to wonder how she passed so many courses with a brain like hers.” Their laughter reminds me of chirping birds, squawking aloud where anyone could hear.
“I wonder how many student’s he’s groomed before?” They cackle to each other. I honestly wanted to tell everyone what really happened on the night of my debut but Herschel told me I couldn’t. I didn’t know what really happened, I could trust him, that Mr.Walsh was a monster. I felt powerless, suffocated, by what he said he gave me no choice and I’m paralized as the rumors grow around me like a wildfire, worse because they weren’t talking about just me this time. I wonder how Sullivan must feel, most likely betrayed by me but I also wonder what if Herschel is right?
I’m snapped out of my thoughts by the yelling of my name and stomping down the hall, I turn and see my mother furious.
“Adilyn Cecelia Wardwell! Where have you been! We had an appointment yesterday and you were absent?! How are we supposed to fit you into my wedding dress if you do not show up?!” I furrow my eyebrows searching my brain for a believable excuse,
“I’m sorry mother I was… done with class and went to my room to relax for only a few moments before coming to see you and I fell asleep please forgive me.” I bow to her and my words cause my mother to stop yelling if only for a moment. It’s impossible to know what’s going through her mind when I stand back up. She's still trying to glare at me but can’t mask the confusion she has.
“I’m going to be honest I was expecting some sort of smart retort” she furrows her brows and I realize the chattering of the women around the corner has either stopped or gotten so far away that I can no longer hear it.
“Well then come with me, we have to make up for what you slept through yesterday.” She grabs my arm yanking me to follow after her, I notice blood trickle down and out of my mother’s nose and pull away grabbing for the Kerchief in my pocket and handing it to her.
“Mother your nose!” I warn her and she grabs it quickly placing it to her face, I can’t help but be nervous at the sight.
“Are you alright?” I can’t help myself before the words fall from my lips and she waves me off continuing to walk towards the drawing room.
“I’m fine darling don’t worry about me” She chuckles wiping her face for the last time before placing the Kerchief into her own pocket.
“I’ll return this later no worries, I only need some more medication.” she suggests softly, I don’t think it’s a good idea but decide to not bring it up.
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