“Herschel, what are you…” I trail off when he doesn’t look at me staring at the note, his brows are furrowed, and his jaw is tight, his lips pressed into a thin line.

“Who sent you these?” He speaks softly and I can barely understand what he’s saying, he doesn’t turn to me still so I step into the room.

“I… don’t know Herschel those mean nothing I-” halfway through explaining myself he stands up taking his sword, he holds it loosely in his hand. Herschel’s face is blank, unreadable his entire body loose despite his eyes being lit up like a fire,

“Don’t Bullshit me Adilyn… i’m not stupid.” he speaks dangerously quiet, he looks at the notes on the bed placing the last one with the others.

“Were you going to meet them? Is that where you were going?” His eyes meet mine, hot rage hidden deep behind cold, chocolate irises.

“Am I just a placeholder until something better comes along? I try so hard to…” He trails off slightly gripping his sword before raising it to sheath it again at his hip.

“I don’t know who it is Herschel I swear and… And I haven’t decided what I'm going to do yet.” He lets out a haughty laugh after hearing me explain.

“You are so pathetic, you can’t make one decision for yourself.” He shakes his head before grabbing my arm at the tricep, dragging me out of the room. My muscle’s throb in his iron grip trying to keep up with his fast pace.

“Herschel! Ow! Herschel you’re hurting me!” I yell out but he doesn’t respond until we get outside of the house. He throws me in front of him and I lose my balance falling to the ground.

“You are my fiancé, you are marrying me and now you’re going to go tell whoever is giving you those notes that you. Belong. To. me. Not them, me.” Herschel openly demands this taking out his sword again, causing me to wince.

“Do it or I will” he growls at me. I scramble to get up, holding my skirts up to keep myself from tripping. My breath catches walking up the hill to the large tree, I can see the carving Herschel made weeks before, thick black sap seeps from the carving bubbling down the trunk. The tree looks broken, almost tired as it stands in the sunset quickly passing below the horizon with each passing moment. I reach the precipice of the hill just as the final sun rays slip down under the horizon, the moon shines largely over the landscape and I feel as if god himself is judging me under its gaze. Looking at the pale face of it has me wanting to scream, cry, beg for forgiveness for even being born but before my transgressions can be heard a familiar voice speaks behind me.

“You look beautiful…” Sullivan Walsh compliments, he keeps a distance from me and It’s understandable from how he says he’s been watching me he must know that getting close can only do him harm. I’m a poison among the ones I care for, I wish to escape.

“Mr.Walsh…” His eyes light up when I address him and he steps closer to me quickly until he’s close enough to offer his hand.

“Would you give me your hand My lady?” The question is something I'm not used to, Herschel puts his hands on me without much warning, the confusion causes me to place my hand in his without much thought.

“I’ve been fired Adilyn, I’m going back to the capital and, I had to tell you how I felt before I could go even if… Even if you didn’t reciprocate my feelings.” Mr. Walsh strokes my hand affectionately but doesn’t take things further than that.

“I would like for you to come with me if you would be so inclined.” he smiles to himself unable to look me in the face a very evident blush on his cheeks, My heartbeat quickens in my chest thumping loudly, I can’t tell if i’m growing excited by the possibility of leaving with him, or scared that he will turn out like everyone else who catches any form positive feelings towards me. Before I can possibly respond to him Herschel appears out of seemingly nowhere pushing Mr.Walsh away from me.

“You bastard! I knew it was you!” Herschel yells before completely tackling the other man.

“Herschel what are you doing?” My voice rings out but I don’t realize i’m the one saying it. Herschel ignores me pointing his sword at Mr.Walsh’s throat so he won’t struggle.

“I knew it was you, I told you to stay away from her, she's mine.” He completely ignores me as Mr.Walsh struggles under him.

“You don’t even love her! You’re just using her for your own twisted shit!” Mr.Walsh spits on Herschel from below, I feel useless watching them struggle.

Time seems to slow down exponentially, I can almost see myself outside of my body. Herschel’s face changes slowly from surprised to anger, a rage i’ve never seen on his face. Red hot hatred moving through his expression causing his body to tense so hard he begins to shake. Herschel says something, but I can’t hear it over the blood rushing in my ears. Everything is so slow, Herschel lifting his sword, Mr.Walsh’s eyes widening. The moon shines on us almost blinding, it’s large and causes the sky around it to be a beautiful shade of blue, The summer wind blows causing some of the last blossoms of the caeruleum tree to fall around the three of us. The dark tones of summer night compliment the dark red blood as it splatters across the ground and Herscel’s uniform. My mouth is dry when Herschel stands again he doesn’t look human, he sheaths his sword again wiping a mixture of sweat, blood, and spit.

“Inside, ten minuets.” He demands of me before walking down the hill, the world flashes back to life. I walk to the man laying on the ground slowly in disbelief before dropping down, I didn’t realize I was crying until Mr.Walsh reaches up to wipe my cheek.

“Adilyn…” He says weakly, I feel a sob leave my throat as Mr.Walsh takes a shaky breath, he swallows thickly closing his eyes in a slow blink.

“Aren’t… aren’t you going to tell me it’s okay?” I can’t let out anything above a whisper as I cradle Mr.Walsh’s head in my lap.

“I won’t lie to you, you deserve the truth… but it’s going to be okay for you at least.” He chuckles and I shake my head.

“No… no I won’t be okay, Mr. Walsh I’m stuck.” tears drip down my face as his breathing slows and he looks tired.

“Please, i’m not your teacher anymore you can call me by my first name… you’re dripping on me.” I chuckle and wipe my face trying to hug him closer.

“You can’t do this, you can’t die, I need you.” Sullivan’s breathing is shallow now, he gets colder in my arms as he bleeds out.

“You don’t need anyone in this place Linn…” He is whispering now he can’t even say my full name.

“Please… don’t… you can’t.” I can’t seem to get anything out as I cry and he smiles chuckling.

“It’s not something I can exactly stop.” He moves only slightly to take my hand, gripping it softly.

“I’m so sorry” I apologize finally, reliving the way I could stop this from happening. Feeling so stupid that I only stood there like an idiot.

“Don’t be…” Sullivan says, as he shakes his head and moves his hand from mine while shivering. He places it on my cheek moving my hair from my face and I reach to hold it there.

“I’ve wanted for almost a year… to die in your arms. Even now, I can’t help but be happy about it still.” He smiles softly, closing his eyes again before letting out another breath. I press his hand closer to my cheek nuzzling it slightly as the wind blows, my mouth opens to say something else but I stop, after realizing no one was listening anymore.

I hear wailing, a terrible sound filled with gut wrenching pain. I can’t pinpoint where it's coming from and only realize it's me when the noise catches painfully in my throat making it crack in an ugly way. The noise quiets to a whimper until my throat is raw and I can only sob quietly. I lay Sullivan’s head down slowly, my chest hurts and the wind blows. I lay down on the grass nuzzling into his chest and let him hold me the way he wished for in the letters he sent, the speedy heartbeat that used to erupt in him every time I got too close was gone now as I cry silent and steady tears. Turning to bury my face in his blood soaked shirt I inhale his scent deeply, imprinting it in my brain. Willing it to be stuck forever, the smell is sweet, mixed with spice and paper. Like a leather bound book. Eventually I can’t cry anymore, i’m shaking in the night. the last thing I want to do is leave but I know it’s been more than ten minutes, at any moment I'll be yanked away by Herschel. I can’t get up, Herschel will never look at me the way Sullivan did, like looking at me made the world stop instead of a piece of meat to be devoured or a dog you’re unsure whether to train, beat, or protect. I feel something in Sullivan’s pocket reaching in and pulling out. It's a small leather bound book, I take it and hold it to my chest before sitting up slightly to finally give the first man to make me truly feel loved a soft kiss before laying back down with him again.

When I gain the strength to move back into the house, my dress is stained and my face is dirty but I can’t care. My mind is completely numb with disbelief and my heart broken. I reach my room again Sullivan’s book tucked neatly in my skirts, I can’t bring myself to open or read it but I'll be damned if I let Herschel know it even exists. Herschel is in my room, ripping apart my textbooks, burning every letter, destroying anything Sullivan ever touched. I can’t help but watch him somberly from my destroyed doorway. Everything plays like a movie and I feel as if my body isn’t mine, like i’m a passenger in the back of my mind while I'm on autopilot watching Herchel breathe heavily and walk toward me when he’s done.

“I’m sick of this, you’re mine. From now on you do what I say.” He says simply taking my hand roughly and pulling me towards him.

“You don’t eat, sleep, or even breathe unless I say so, do you understand?” He asks through gritted teeth and I can’t possibly muster anything more than an apathetic nod to him as he pulls me into the room.

“You should sleep, I'll fix your door.” He sits me down on my bed, bending down and wiping dirt from my face, swiping hair behind my ear.

“I do this because I care deeply for you Ady…” He says softly, almost mumbling the words. I nod along with him, my eyes feel heavy from crying. Herschel lays me down kissing my forehead before moving the door closed and leaving me alone with my thoughts. I don’t feel tired, I don’t feel anything, I don't want to be alone. Even if Herschel was screaming at me I wouldn’t have to think, I wouldn’t have to relive watching the life drain from Sullivan Walsh’s eyes quite so often.

I don’t sleep, I don’t clean up, I only lay staring at the wall as the world goes on around me. Herschel tells me I shouldn't leave, that he was the only one I needed. I didn’t know how long it had been, hours, days, weeks. I don’t feel it if i’m hungry, I don’t feel it if I need to use the bathroom, no one except Herschel comes to my room. I watch over and over as Sullivan dies in my head and I do nothing, I can’t believe I did nothing.

The next time Herschel comes to my room he stares down at me,

“I realize I scared you the other day but you have to get up, you stink.” Herschel is smiling, like nothing happened. Where is Sullivan’s body now? Probably in an unmarked grave somewhere he doesn’t deserve, I felt like I needed Herschel because no one else would have me, But Sullivan’s words had been ringing in my head his entire last moments had been replayed hundreds of times.

“Why did you…” My voice comes out strained, it cracks and I try to swallow so I can speak properly.

“What?” Herschel asks, making me sit up holding me upright, I feel his fingers on my dress taking me out of it. A glass of water catches my eye on the nightstand, it’s freshness is evident by the condensation on the cup. I take the glass holding it in my hand for a moment, the clear liquid swirls around.

“I brought that for you, I figured you’d be thirsty.” Herschel chuckles as I take a sip,

“Why did you do that to him?” My voice is steadier than I expected it to be, I can’t look at Herschel without seeing how angry he was at that moment. He chuckles as the dress slips off my shoulders, He cups my chin and makes me look at him with a gentle smile.

“I couldn’t have you running away with him and ruining my big plans.” he kisses my forehead before standing up to look in my closet, this Is my first time naked in front of Herschel and I can't help but feel so exposed despite him not planning on doing anything dastardly.

“He was leaving, why couldn’t you just let him?” The question tumbles from me before I could stop it tears burning when I hear him laugh again.

“Well I couldn’t take the chance dearest,” Dearest, all the people calling me honey, dearest, when the only thing dearest to them has nothing to do with me.

“I wouldn’t have gone, not with him and I don’t want to go with you either.” Sullivan’s words rage in my memory, anger flowing through me, pulsing from my heart and brain to the tips of every appendage. It gets hotter, more intense when Herschel laughs louder once again.

“You don’t really have a choice, Adi.” Standing I snatch a dress from him, a sea foam green dress with gold accents. It almost rips from my anger when I slip it on,

“Don’t ‘Adi’ me, I have a choice! I’m human after all! I don’t need you! I don’t need anyone!” Herschel’s face is more apathetic than shocked, he watches me closely, moving from one end of the room to the other gathering my things.

I refuse to be a Ghost of myself anymore, a Zombie who can’t stop people like you.” my breathing is heavy from suddenly using so much energy after being sedentary for so long.

“I have done so much… to make everyone around me approve of me and I'm done! None of you are ever happy when is it finally my turn? Don’t I get to be happy? Starting now… I'm doing things for myself including leaving this hell hole alone Herschel Stott I won’t ma-” halfway through my indulgent rant I am completely cut off by a familiar broadsword to my throat and a grim look in Herschel’s eye.

“You think I care if you don’t want to marry me? Adi~” He coos softly, dangerously, using my pet name against me, he walks around my body, slow steps, deliberate, until the edge of his sword is placed snugly under my chin.

“True you aren’t repulsive to look at… but Darling you’re not rather compelling either.” He finally speaks frankly with me, combing his fingers through my hair absentmindedly.

“I need you Adilyn… but not in a possessive loving way, i've achieved minimum power being knighted, I want more marrying you will earn me the title of count. Then someday perhaps Duke with the right attitude towards your father, we both know he favors me more~” His touch shifts from light to possessive again when he pulls my head back to look at him.

“Oh but I still won’t marry you and you won’t get what you want.” The high pitched mockery of his voice as he does an impression of me causes shivers to go down my spine.