I wasn’t nearly as nervous as I imagined I’d be as I slowly walked to my husband to be. The music was something I didn’t recognize and much too cheery for what I was feeling, I wondered if maybe the minor key version would be played at my funeral or if when I died anyone would care. My heart was heavy as I saw Herschel, the boy I used to adore, now I only wished for Sullivan to be at the end of what seemed like a never ending journey to the altar. Herschel’s charming grin is on his face but it feels more mocking. The world is painted gray from the storm wailing outside the large windows of the houses farthest northern ballroom. The lake thrashes far below us, small licks of water quickly turning into thrashing and vengeful waves. I don’t hear the priest start, my thoughts swirling once again with Sullivan’s final moments. I know what Herschel did, I know what he tried to do to my brother but not why I didn’t speak up, I felt like I was drowning every moment of my life. Moments where I believed Herschel, his heart steady when he confessed to me, where even being close to me made Sullivan’s heart double its pace. It made my own chest ache. The world was so slow, I looked down at the ring on my finger feeling my breath quicken, where did he even get this ring? I look at the audience, hundreds of people dressed in the peek of fashion. They seem uncaring, almost bored. My father sips a glass of a clear liquid, while my mother sniffs something off one of her long painted nails. This was my home, a mother and father who never cared and were often inebriated, a man who has been conning me since childhood, a brother who could die from a cold. I have been tortured but I am not innocent, I could have seen all of this coming if only I was a little bit brighter.

I hear my name called and look at Herschel, he’s glaring dangerously at me although his smiling face still stays the same.

“Do you, Miss Adilyn Wardwell, Take Herschel Fredrick Stott to be you-” The priest doesn’t get to finish before the word slips from my lips.

“No!” A confused expression washes over Herschel’s face as well as the priest before I step back, I didn’t know Herschel was holding my hands before I felt them slip away. Sullivan’s words ring through my brain again and I hear them as if he stands beside me.

“No I don't need this… I don’t want this, I don’t need you.” Finally speaking my mind causes a tremendous weight to lift from my shoulders. I couldn’t tell anyone the things Herschel did because no one would ever believe me, and I don’t need them to. I hear Herschel take a step towards me causing my mind to flash back to reality, He is no longer smiling.

“Don’t!” I call to him putting my hand up, to my surprise he stops where he is.

“Adilyn, this is ridiculous! you just have some cold feet, we love each other remember?” Herschel’s words are calming but his eyes are dangerous.

“No Herschel I… I used to love you but the things you’ve done to me I can’t forgive.” It’s my father who speaks up now standing and throwing his glass to the floor.

“Damn it Adilyn! stop being so selfish! You threw your chance for options away!” I swallow hard not having the strength to stand up to my father.

“I used to love you, You made me feel things. My god I felt so lonely before you  but I… I loved you so much I completely forgot what Hating myself even felt like.” Herschel gets fed up with my words moving forward and grabbing my wrist causing me to hiss in pain.

“You could do a lot worse, you know? The next man you manage to land could beat you for such rudeness.” He doesn’t yell surprisingly, I try to pull away from him as he continues.

“You don’t get a choice, you were promised to me, you’re mine and if I have to kill a thousand perverted scholars to have you I will.” His grip gets tighter with each passing second despite his voice saying even.

“Because you don’t beat me doesn’t make you husband material Herschel that’s the bare minimum!” I can’t help yelling at him trying to pull my arm away from him, feeling the dress rip slightly as I move.

“Adilyn, your gown be careful!” my mother yells not caring about the person inside of it.

“Stop acting like a child and get back to the altar Adilyn!” My father yells and I feel tears prick my eyes.

“You don’t even care about how I feel! You don’t care about what he has done father?!” I yell again as Herschel yanks my arm again.

“Admit what you did Herschel! Admit it and I'll marry you!” I don’t know the reason for my insistence, they’ll never listen to me.

“He’s a hero! You’re crazy!” my father yells another yank of my arm follows, it’s starting to feel painful.

“We can get you help after the ceremony Adi…” Herschel coos softly and I close my eyes tightly.

“Don’t try to gaslight me! I Know what I’m saying!” My head is spinning. I can't keep anything I feel inside myself any longer, it’s all come to a boiling point. I can’t watch myself stand at a crossroads and stay speechless any longer, watching my actions take me down a path of destruction. I need to try and be better, to not believe what everyone says, I need to not be stupid.

“I know that i’m right so I will stand here and tell you I don’t deserve what you’ve done to me! What any of you have done, I will make you hear me or die trying.” Before anyone can react I pull again just as a thunderclap and a bolt of lightning flash startling everyone in the room. I pull too hard, slipping out of Herschel’s grip and ripping the wedding dress in the process. I try to catch my footing by walking backwards quickly, this action causes me to trip even farther on my veil before falling into the large window behind me, as I crash through the glass I feel pain from the impact blossom through my back. The air is forced from my lungs for a second leaving me truly breathless, pinpricks erupt on my skin coupled by rain drops from the glass cutting my skin and the pouring rain. I see my veil fluttering above me while I fall, then warm tears float from my cheeks to the air. I don’t feel scared, I feel sad knowing the last seconds are upon me and I had nothing with my life, this is not what Sullivan had told me to do. I feel slightly like I'm flying. The broken window looks like diamonds, once again the world is in slow motion and I am left to ponder if I could fix the things that had gone wrong in my life, I didn’t want this. My head turns to the side, I see the hill my tree sits on. The thunderclap and lightning had struck it splitting it in half, it was still smoking. I couldn’t help watching It as I felt myself drift down, the rain was so cold, the tree looked so sick, I felt so tired, I didn’t want to die.

When I hit the water I feel pain blossom from my back again and ignite every nerve in my body. The automatic gasp fills my lungs with water, the dress wrapping my body was so heavy it dragged me down but I wouldn’t be able to swim due to the amount of pain moving through me. My lungs burned as they filled with water causing me to let out a silent scream that only invited more liquid into my system. I was suffering and thrashing wildly and as I cried, I thought of Herschel’s smug face looking at me, I thought of my father screaming, my mother’s undermining words, I thought of my brother laying in bed sick and dying, and I thought of Sullivan, his cold body somewhere unknown to me and how I would join him soon in a much less peaceful way. I hated them I hated everyone who led me to this much suffering and soon I was screaming for a different reason, I needed to hate the world at that moment as tears still slipped from my eyes and into the inky abyss around me. As I screamed something wrapped around me, I couldn’t see it but it was large and gentle, it pulled me slowly until I felt rain on my face again. I could see the sky and I coughed breathing air for only a second before water erupted from my insides, the thing was still around me and as I looked down it seemed almost like a very large hand. After a moment I was on the other side of the lake, a place I've never been, and set down on a beach. Before I could react much farther, my body felt heavy and cold. I shook hard even as my vision faded in and out of blurs of color, my heart pounded hard in my chest until I couldn’t hold my head up any longer. I felt the rain on my back, and the sand on my cheek before my eyes closed and I drifted into a deep unknowing sleep.