The steam from the showers hung thick in the air – uncomfortable, stifling, and a little dizzying. So too was the energy between the pair, as often was the case in times like these. The heat of the moment had passed; tempers and temptations cooled, and only an unnatural silence remained as a shameful reminder of what had transpired.

It might have felt a little more tense had Yuanfei not gone through this so many times already. He was getting used to it now; the embarrassment, the worry, the impenetrable awkwardness that was only strengthened by attempts to quash it. It was a natural and inevitable consequence of this strange friendship, part of its ebb and flow.

Yuanfei slung his bag over his shoulder with a forced sigh – anything to fill the silence just a little. He glanced back; Katsuyuki wordlessly folded his gym clothes into his bag with a slow precision, his feigned focus on this menial task giving serving as a small distraction.

Sure, this wasn't the first time they'd kissed – far from it at this point – but the steady creep of intimacy kept tensions high each time it happened. This time was, again, just a little step further than the last: Katsuyuki, it seemed, was rarely undressed for any longer than necessary in the company of others. For that kiss, though, with his body pressed against Yuanfei's, he had only a towel to cover himself. It was a new boundary crossed, a show of vulnerability and intimacy, and that came with a mental toll. No doubt he was regretting taking the towel off too...

Yuanfei tensed for a second as the sickening shiver of shame crept up his spine. He really didn't mean to look. Besides, it wasn't the first time he'd seen Katsuyuki like that... Accidents happen in the locker room, after all. And this was definitely an accident.

A pleasant one, but an accident nonetheless.

“You ready to go?” He tried his best to speak with a casual indifference, but the words came out unnatural and insincere.

“Hmh.” With a terse response like that, he knew Katsuyuki was definitely feeling the pressure. Best not to push him.

He was his own worst enemy sometimes; he was smart, Yuanfei reasoned, but perhaps that was a detriment at times like these. Katsuyuki was a man who lacked the ability to let things go, and in these strange situations, letting go was imperative. That plausible deniability he relied on was hinged upon it.

Not looking to draw more attention to the awkward silence, Yuanfei nodded with a placating half–smile and pulled open the door, stepping out of the stifling humidity from the steam and into the cool, stale air of the gym.

Outside of superficial pleasantries, not much had been spoken between the two since they left the locker room; but, as the events at the gym receded into memory, a sense of normalcy was gradually returning.

Yuanfei sat on his bed and brushed his hair through. Peering through his long, sweeping bangs, he chanced a quick glance at Katsuyuki; sat upright, back against his headboard, he was reading a thick hardback book, printed with bold Cyrillic letters. Judging by the cover, perhaps another text on economics or history or something of the sort. Yuanfei was tempted to ask, to be beckoned next to him and peer over his shoulder; though the topics typically went straight over his head, he enjoyed the impromptu lessons Katsuyuki would give him on occasion – but perhaps now wasn't the time.

A low rumble resonated from afar; distant, but with enough ferocity to be heard from miles away. Yuanfei stiffened at the sound. Deep and drawn out, it threatened the slow creep of an impending violent storm.

Katsuyuki glanced up, catching his eye; self–conscious of his weakness, Yuanfei's posture eased into one of casual apathy. He reflexively ran his fingers through his hair, pushing his bangs away from his face; a nervous tell of his that belied his true feelings.

Katsuyuki sighed tersely. “You can...” He hesitated and frowned, eyes moving back to the book. “If it'd help you sleep. You can share with me.”

Yuanfei's expression softened. “You mean...?”

“Sleep here, yeah.”

“Really? You're sure?” His fingers raked through his bangs again.

Katsuyuki cast his gaze sideways with a furrowed brow. “It's not like we haven't done it already,” he muttered.

Yuanfei let out a brief, awkward huff of laughter. “Huh, yeah. I guess. But – I mean ––” He stumbled over his words as he searched for what to say. “If you–– you don't have to if––”

Katsuyuki rolled his eyes, closing the book and dropping it on the bedside table. “Don't make it into a weird thing. Just... Shut up and get in.” He sidled over and pulled the sheets open.

Yuanfei nodded and dropped his gaze with a small relenting smile. Katsuyuki could always be relied on to suck an awkward intimate tension out of a moment and replace it with an equally awkward platonic one. It was just enough to leave some comfortable wiggle room of deniability: this was a normal interaction between friends. No need to make it weird.

Yuanfei shuffled into the bed and pulled the blankets over his lap. The bed was just big enough for two, but didn't leave much in the way of personal space.

“Can you get the light?”

“Oh – sure.” Yuanfei flicked the switch and plunged the room into darkness. Within moments, a flicker of lightning lit up the window through the slim gap in the blinds – faint for now, but threatening of things to come. He winced, inhaling sharply. This was going to be a long night. Shuffling under the covers, he turned his back to the window – but now, his face was only inches from Katsuyuki's.

Katsuyuki had already closed his eyes and settled into his pillow. Yuanfei tried to follow suit, but jitters of nervous energy shivered through him. His eyes flicked open again. Katsuyuki was so close to that his breath could be felt on Yuanfei's skin; rhythmic, cool and gentle. His silvery fringe fell over his eyes, the tips just long enough to lightly brush against Yuanfei's cheek. Yuanfei gazed up at him, for a rare moment, fully taking in the view.

He was so beautiful. Even when sleeping, he held that familiar stoic elegance that was so distinctly his. And, even now, his expression was haunted with a delicate melancholy, as if permanently etched into his solemn face.

The faint rumble of thunder was impossible to shut out entirely – but, despite his reflexive flinching, being here with Katsuyuki still felt oddly safe. It took the edge off, just a little. Yuanfei narrowed his eyes with a slight, confused frown. He was grateful for the comforting distraction for sure, although why Katsuyuki would humor him with concessions so clearly outside of his usual comfort zone was beyond him.

Best not to ask; and he sure as hell wasn't complaining.

Butterflies fluttered and his heavy heartbeat thrummed in his chest. They were so close, bodies mere inches apart. How was he supposed to sleep under these conditions? The adrenaline pumping through his veins aroused a familiar, tingling excitement throughout his body – one that was difficult to rein in. The thought gave Yuanfei pause. Excitement at what? He felt some sort of way for Katsuyuki – that much was obvious – but to what extent, he still wasn't sure. Could he really be... well, gay?

Sure, he conceded, it was possible; he'd never given it any thought until these last few months, but now that he found himself staring down this loaded question like the barrel of a shotgun, it was hard to skirt around the answer. And as much as he'd like Katsuyuki to believe it was no big deal, he couldn't say with complete honesty that the thought didn't feel at least a little daunting. But, whether he wanted to accept it or not, it certainly was possible.

So, was he? He was telling the truth when he said he didn't know. How could he know at this stage? Then again, there must be some explanation for what he currently felt.

Perhaps he was attracted to both men and women?

Or was this just an exception to the rule?

Or maybe, he determined, it didn't really matter. What mattered was... Well, it was undeniable. He'd clearly thought as much already. It was never about liking men, but of liking... One man. No point obscuring it anymore.

His body eased a tension he hadn't realized he'd been bearing. It felt good to admit to himself, in a way; still scary, still confusing, but no longer shrouded in that tumultuous cloud of denial. In spite of his gender, because of his gender, it didn't matter – it was all the same: he liked Katsuyuki.

He released a sigh – long, drawn out, but hushed. What now? Tell him? God, absolutely not. Besides, it wasn't serious. There was no need to make a big deal out of it. A little secret crush never hurt anyone.