TW// Panic attack

The setting sun was so warm. There was only the sound of crashing waves into the dock and the seagulls in the sky, circling above the harbour. With Elias standing there, Tivon only wished for the moment to last forever. But they never would. He knew that soon enough he’d have to say goodbye again and over again.

Elias wrapped his arms around his waist. “Everything okay? You’ve been staring at my face for a long time now.”

Tivon smiled. “It’s just...” He sighed. “I hate this. Saying goodbye every time. It’s hard.”

“I know.” He pressed his forehead to his and closed his eyes. “I hate them too. I want to take you with me, but...”

He looked to his left where Cornelis, Rea and Ivan were standing. Cornelis was staring at them, her eyes, like eagles, fixed on Elias. “She would murder me.”

Tivon looked at The Rose Sparrow docked behind them. “I want to go with you. I would love to go but I need to help her.”

“I know.” Elias brushed his lips on Tivon's cheek. Tivon reached for his lips and kissed them.

“Promise me you won’t take long.”

“Don’t worry, it’ll only be a few days, two weeks at full.” He hugged him tighter. “Then I’ll riot to Dorea.”

Tivon laughed. “I don’t doubt you will.”

“Just stay close to the shore.”

Tivon nodded and kissed him. He hated this. He hated these goodbyes so much. The feeling that stuck with him. He hated it. But it would pass, he knew that much. He would see him again.

When they parted, Tivon looked into his eyes. “I love you.” He whispered.

Elias stroked his face. “I love you too.”

He looked back at the group. His look suddenly looked puzzled. Worried. Tivon followed his gaze, but he couldn’t see anything out of the ordinary.

“What is it?”

Elias stayed silent for a moment and as he turned back to Tivon his troubled expression gone. “Nothing. Just...” he smiled. “Be careful.”

Tivon held his hand, which was still resting on his face. “You too.”

Elias kissed him again and then turned to the ship to board it. Tivon smiled at Nick, already positioned by the helm, waving at him. When Elias boarded, he turned around and shouted.

“If you need me, tell Dorea. I’ll come.”

Tivon smiled and nodded as the ship set sail into the open sea. Tivon stood there watching it sail until it was just a mare dot on the horizon. He sighed and put his hands in his pocket. He felt something small between his fingers. He pulled out a small seashell from earlier, when Elias and he were picking them up from the sea. Elias must’ve put it in when they were saying goodbye.

He smiled and held it firmly in the palm of his hand. Rea joined him. “Are you okay?”

Tivon looked at the sea. “I’ll manage.”

Rea took his hand and smiled. She looked at the horizon. “Will you stay for dinner?”

Tivon looked over his shoulder at Cornelis. “I think Cornelis is in a hurry.”

“Of course, she is.” Sighed Rea. She looked at Tivon and smiled. “You can always visit me, whenever you want.”

Tivon squeezed her hand. “I know. If I’ll manage I will.”

They went back to regroup with Ivan and Cornelis. They said their goodbyes and Tivon and Cornelis went their own way. As they were walking Tivon looked at the horizon, the sun already swallowed by the sea, the stars reflecting on the smooth surface of the sea.

It’ll only be a few days. He’ll come back in no time. Elias was never gone for more than two weeks, and Tivon knew that he wouldn’t allow himself to be gone for any more days. Only a few days. I could manage that. If I’ve managed it for a year, so I can do it now.

But Elias never came back.

Weeks passed and he hadn’t returned. Then a month passed and there was no sign of him or even The Rose Sparrow. It was like he vanished. Tivon stayed close to the shores, refusing to go further in land, for he might miss Elias. They looked for him on every island, everywhere they could think of. Yet a year passed, and he was still nowhere to be seen.

He wouldn’t take his eyes off the horizon. He might miss a ship, a sign, a breeze. Anything. The cold of the coming winter crept over his back. He pushed the shivers away. Tivon hugged his knees tighter to his chest, smoothing the black ring on his finger.

Cornelis put a jacket over his shoulders. “You should come inside. You’ll get sick if you stay out here.”

Tivon didn’t say anything. Cornelis sat beside him. Despite that Tivon wanted to be alone, he didn’t push her away. He thought that she would order him to go inside, but she just stared silently at the sea.

In barely a whisper, Tivon asked. “Did the sea say anything?”

Cornelis shook her head. “He is either too far away or he’s de-”

“Don’t!” He didn’t want to hear it. He had said it so many times in his head, but he refused to believe that. He couldn’t be. If he was, Tivon would know. “He’s not. He couldn’t be.”

Cornelis didn’t say anything. She only looked at the sea with a piteous expression. Tivon didn’t want pity from her. He opened his mouth to say something when Cornelis said. “We need to start looking for them. I gave you time, but I’m running out of my own.” She looked at him. “We need to resume the work.”

Tivon knew that eventually they would need to go, and he would need to stop drowning his sorrow and sadness in silence, waiting by the shore. He looked back at the sea and nodded.

“There’s one place I need to go and it’s also the only place we haven’t looked for him yet.”

Tivon already knew what Cornelis had in mind, he pushed that place deep into his mind, refusing to revisit any memories from that place. He wasn’t ready to hear it.

“We can look in Bradfordshire.”

At the sound of the name, Tivon’s whole body shivered. He hated that town. He wanted nothing less, but to just forget it. But he knew that Elias might be there. He hated the thought of it, but eventually he’d have to look there.

“I know that you don’t want to go there-”

“We can go.” He stood up and started walking towards the house. “We can go today.”

There were about ten days of sailing to Bradfordshire. They have found a merchant ship that accepted them in the crew. Tivon couldn’t sleep any of those nights. It was like he could feel the presence of the town getting closer to him with every day. At night he couldn’t get the image of Alieana out of his head. Most of the time he held himself away from everyone, even Cornelis. Well, she wasn’t even seen on deck, which Tivon could understand. It was a miracle that the Captain even allowed a woman to be on board.

Last night on the ship, Tivon managed to fall asleep. It wasn’t a pleasant sleep. The same dream crept into his head. It was the same dream he always had. Him trapped under Alieana’s body, her blood spilling from her mouth on his face. But this night she wasn’t the one whispering words into his ear. It was Pit. His mouth so close to his ear, that he could feel his lips brush against him as he spoke. His words shivering through his body, through his bones.

Tivon jerked awake, covered in sweat, pushing the non-existent body off him. He could feel their touches on him. He could feel their words quivering through his bones. Tivon scratched ferociously at his skin, just to get rid of the feeling. The air below deck was suffocating him. He needed air. He grabbed his jacket and ran outside.

When on deck he breathed in the night air. The sun was about to rise. It was still cold, but it was much warmer than in Naydawin. He grabbed the railing of the ship and only then had he realized that his whole body was shaking uncontrollably, his lungs still trying to catch fresh air.

Calm down Tivon. He grabbed the railing firmly and breathed in. They’re not real. They are dead. His knees were shaking, and he knew if he wouldn’t sit down that they would give in. They are dead. He repeated and sat down. You killed them. He leaned his head on the railing. You killed them both.

Tivon pushed the tears, gathering in his eyes, away. He shouldn’t feel bad for them. He knew they were awful people. He knew that he made the right choice. So why did he still felt guilty? If he could go back in time, he would do it again.

Would he?

If that meant that he wouldn’t have those dreams, that he wouldn’t be haunted by them for the rest of his life, would he still do it?

He found out that he didn’t have the answer to that question.

“Can’t sleep?”

Tivon turned to see Cornelis standing behind him. Why is she asking that? She knows that I haven’t slept in months. Tivon looked back at the sea and just nodded.

“You know I can give you something to help you sleep.”

He knew that. Some nights he wanted to ask her to give something, anything to him. But that meant he would just keep running away from his problems. A coward running away from his past mistakes.

Tivon didn’t answer her. She sat beside him. He didn’t want to look at her. He knew he would only find pity in her face. He didn’t want that. He didn’t want it because he knew that Cornelis was just like him. Lounging, searching for someone she didn’t even know if they were still alive. But Cornelis was bearing more pain than Tivon. She had already lost someone she loved.

Tivon hadn’t thought about Sabur in years. Partially because he didn’t want to remember him. He wasn’t the most likeable person in his life. But he was someone to Cornelis.

“Did he ever visit you?” Tivon didn’t even know why he spoke out loud. Cornelis looked at him confused. “Sabur. Did he ever visited you when he cursed himself?”

For a second, he thought she might just stand up and walk away, but she just looked at the rising sun and said. “He did. Only once.” Tivon looked at her. Her golden eyes were fixed on the sun. “He came only once, to trick me. He came with those eyes, those beautiful eyes. With the smile that would brighten up the world.” A shadow of anger crossed her face. “He came to apologize, and I blinded by his tricks, believed him. In truth, he came to kill me. Fortunately, he didn’t succeed.”

Tivon looked down at his feet, dangling above the water. He tried to understand Sabur’s actions, but they just never seem to make any sense. “Do you miss him?”

Tivon thought she was going to say no. He wasn't expecting her to say what she did. The answer made him look up at her.

“I don’t know.”

Tivon had nothing to say to that. In the corner of his eyes, he caught a glimpse of a town, trapped behind the fog. He stood up and went to the other side of the ship. As it got closer, the fog slowly disappearing, Tivon could see the familiar dark and gloomy town. A tremble spread over his body as the memories of the town flooded in.

Cornelis held his hand. “If you don’t want to, I can go alone.”

“N-no.” He breathed in and tried to steady his voice. “I can do it.”

“I’ll be there with you. You won’t be alone.”

Tivon managed a nod as the ship anchored in the harbour.