(Warning: Cringey Content, Implications of Self-Hate) 

[Previously:‘It’s ridiculous for him to care about a random stranger so much, I never would.’ I walk to my car and look back, he’s hanging onto the door like it’s the only thing holding him up, and watching me leave like I’m about to die. “That’s not concerning. I mumble checking the backseats before turning on the vehicle. 

I get to work insanely early.]

I clean up my work station for the first time in months, in the process finding my old work case. I place my hand on it struggling with guilt then snatching it up, go to the bathroom. Breathing heavier, I prepare the concoction.

‘It’s fine, nobody will notice,’ I tell myself, holding the razor to my skin. I take a deep breath and cut a path through my beard. Flicking the shaving cream into the sink I continue until I’m clean shaven. I wash out the little bowl and whisk I used to make the shaving cream and look at my clothes. Tucking, folding, and buttoning I wince at my image in the mirror. Professional yes, but I only ever did this to hide a night of drinking. I dressed like this every day at my old job. 

I finish cleaning up and go back into the main area. I still have a few hours. There are no animals in our care right now so I check voice mails and there are none. Paperwork I guess. After another hour I once again run out of work. Walking around tidying up everyone’s areas I pause when I reach the volunteer’s.

After moving a few important looking papers to the side I get a shock seeing hearts and…my name. I slam the papers back down and hesitate. He had left his personal journal here and opened under papers none-the-less.

‘It’s his fault for being reckless but perhaps I shouldn’t be cleaning up other peoples areas without asking.’

I turn and start sweeping. But now it’s all I can think of, ‘What’s a young man like him doing having a crush on a scruffy older man like me?’ I look up and around. 

I decide to sterilize and clean the surgery tools, ‘What is it, a ten year difference?’ I rub my face, shocking myself when my beard isn’t there. I take my glasses off looking at them, ‘is he blind?’

Putting them in my shirt pocket I put on the safety goggles before pouring chemicals.

‘Not only him but the mercreature too. He lunged at me and kissed me. Am I actually attractive? I guess they say people who look like me get more attractive the older they get’ I chuckle dismally at the thought.

When the tools are cleaned and put away I go to the break area checking the clock. Thirty minutes, finally. I brew a pot of coffee and let myself space out, waiting on my boss to get there. She comes in slowly, tense and then seeing me pulls a taser out.

“Can I help you?” She asks aggressively. 

“Uh,” I say, “Boss?” 

She gasps, putting away the taser, “Oh my goodness, Gordon?! I didn’t recognize you at all.” Then she just stares at me in shock, “You…” She gestures to her face. 

“Shaved?” I ask. 

“Yeah…” She says and then points, “And made coffee, are you..? Are you quitting and going back to your old job or something?” 

“No!” I exclaim in disgust, shaking my head. 

“Don’t tell me you accidentally committed fraud or something that could get us in trouble?” 

“No,” I move out of the way so she can get herself a cup, “I…I got drunk last night.” 

I look closely at her as she goes, “So?” 

“I haven’t touched alcohol since moving here.” I finish, a little exasperated that she wasn’t more ashamed of me. 

Instead she just laughs, “If this is what you look and act like after drinking, by all means keep doing it,” she puts her hands on her hips, “You used to look like a drunkard with how grumpy, quiet, and messy you were, to think you could clean up like this.”

She’s smiling.

I’m a little insulted. But she must not realize how bad it was. I brush it off by shaking my head.

She doesn’t let it go, “You really never drank the whole time you were here?”

I shake my head, no, confused.

She makes a face, ‘huh.” 

“I’m going to get to work.” I say gruffly. 

“Ah, there he is.” She says while pouring a cup.

The volunteer comes in, ten minutes to starting time, I freeze for a second. He looks past me upon seeing me and grabs a cup of coffee, then walks by slowly when he realizes I’m sitting at my desk.

He makes a noise and hurries to find the boss, “Did you hire somebody new?!” His panicked voice carries from the surgery room. Followed by my boss’s laughter, then hushed whispers. I lean back in my chair and then spin, they are peeking at me from behind the door.

I stand when they duck out of sight and call, “I’m going to check the beach!”

“Wait!” The volunteer scrambles after me, grabbing his stuff and trying to put his coat on, “I’ll go with you!” I pause and sigh as I realize now I’m stuck with him. 

We walk along the beach in silence. I carefully check for any injured animals.

“We can go out in the boat to check the small islands, after this.” The intern says hopefully, suddenly.

‘What’s his name again? Why do I have to babysit him, first the merman and now,’

“Ugh,” I start and then cough, “I mean, yeah…did you eat breakfast?” I didn’t know what to say and I said it before I realized, whilst thinking about the merman. I refuse to look him directly in the face but I still see it light up in the corner of my vision.

“Yes, I had breakfast on toast. S, sorry I didn’t recognize you earlier.” He starts.

“No problem it’s not like we’re friends or anything,” I say coldly without looking at him. He flinches and makes a face, ‘of despair? Good, need to shut this shit down.’

“I guess that’s my fault as much as yours,” he says boldly, stopping in front of me, sticking out his hand, “I’m Andreas.” I look at the hand. Then walk around him, shocking the volunteer.

“I’ll just keep referring to you as the volunteer.” I say emotionlessly.

“That’s!” He exclaims, “There’s no way you’ve been calling me that this whole time…” He hurries to catch up. “Are you mad at me for something?” He suddenly worries.

“I don’t have friends, and I don’t make them.” I say simply putting on a blank expression. He stays silent, thinking hard, as we prepare the boat to go out on the water. I keep a close eye on the water, getting annoyed that my heartbeat was picking up.

“Aren’t you going to get in?” Andreas asks me from in the boat looking up at me standing zoned out on the dock, I tilt my head.

‘Is he not attractive? He’s got an okay face, a good smile and nice eyes. I suppose so but he’s annoying. Why isn’t he hitting on people his own age? Though there’s a large and ever growing age gap on this small island with everyone leaving as soon as they turn eighteen. If he’s had a crush on me this long he should have said something. I need a partner that will be straight-forward with me, and reliable.’

I get in the boat and place my face on my knuckles looking over the side I’m closer to. Apparently my far away gaze caught Andreas’s attention while he was steering the motorboat. I look up to catch him staring with a slightly flushed face. I look away again pretending not to notice it but the little shit is more observant than I give him credit for. The island approaches.

“Just go around it slowly, it’s small enough to see if there’s anything wrong with the seals.” A few of the seals bark but they’re used to being observed.

“Doesn’t look like there’s any caught in nets,” the volunteer says, just trying to make conversation at this point. I grunt acknowledgment. He makes a harumph noise back. I hide a smirk. The rest of the small islands are clear as well. 

Which leaves…we secure the boat on the largest island. Then start walking around it. I made sure to keep the boat in sight at all times.

“Why are you so jumpy?” The volunteer asked, making me turn quickly towards him in such a way that I couldn’t deny being jumpy.

“Just let me know if you notice anything weird.” I dismiss remembering the siren’s threat about going near water. He goes quiet again thinking.

“Why were you at work so early today?” He calls as I turn the corner swiftly, some seals look up lazily.

“I used to go to work early everyday, it’s called professionalism.”

“Our boss said something about you being guilty about drinking?”

The yelling is making my head pound, and without thinking I bark back, “Yeah I used to be an alcoholic and I started drinking again yesterday after being three years sober.” I can’t believe the honesty coming out of my mouth and I look back around the corner almost running into the volunteer, Andreas. “Don’t tell anyone I told you that,” I say quickly, softer. 

His eyes are wide and full of understanding, like suddenly everything clicked.

“Are you okay?” He asks after a long moment. ‘Nope, I’m not opening up anymore to this kid.’

“Of course, I’m a full grown adult,” I give a little smile to brush it off but he narrows his eyes,

“If you were okay you wouldn’t be freaking out so bad.”

“What do you know?” I sigh, “You’re barely, what? Nineteen?” I sigh resting on the rocky cliff. 

“Actually I’m twenty-two.” Andrew says a little insulted. 

“A baby.” I confirm. 

“Come on, I’m only like five years younger than you.” He complains stepping forward. 

“Try 14 years.” I correct.

His eyes widened in surprise, “You don’t look like you’re in your thirties!” I smirk satisfied for a moment that I turned him off to me but then he goes, “You age really well.” I open and close my mouth trying to think of something harsh to say.

“Do you normally compliment the looks of men?” That makes him freeze. I see fear flash through his eyes and he laughs it off as a joke. He goes really quiet and we get back to work.

“Did you…clean my desk by any chance?” He asks out of the blue. Making me stop, stand up taller and turn to look down at him. He clenches his jaw, “Did you see my notebook?” I have two options: tell the truth or play it off.

I ruffle my hair, “Notebook? No, was there something important in it?”

“Yes.” He breathes out, losing a little of that confidence. “It’s just you’re acting so weird today when you’re normally nice to me so, I was wondering if-” He steels himself and steps forward, eyes becoming harder.

“You’d tell me the truth or lie to my face.”