It wasn’t just performative anxiety, it was something about Emilio that bothered me. He was so serious and professional all the time. His living space looked like no one lived in it, constantly perfect and dust free. His bed looked never touched, and the only things actually touched was the kitchen. There was food and drinks, dishes in the sink when I leave in the morning. But the next day it was spotless, like a crime scene clean up crew came in. I just assumed he was a clean freak, the only ‘messy’ looking part of his life being him. A five o’clock shadow every day, bags under his unimpressed eyes, and hair either messily pulled up when he was out of his apartment or down and all over the place. How could such a ruffled looking man own such a speckless place? 

I don’t judge, really I don’t. But this was the first clue to the unsettling whisper crawling up my spine the more I thought about him. He always crept into my mind when I was trying to study or have any time to myself. The strange man was a parasite latched to my brain, his face so clear in my mind. Why was this man, who I’ve only known for less than a week, have me so messed up?

I never have had someone on my mind so much, ever. Who was he and why was his presence around me messing up my internal wiring? All these thoughts stopped when I finally got the courage to ask Holly one morning in class.

She laughed as quietly as her body would let her, glancing around us before stifling her giggling and whispered to me, “Well have you thought about maybe you have a crush?” I was flabbergasted. What? “What?” The new voice startled me, Holly’s partner in crime Hamasaki popping her head down from the row above us. “I heard the word crush and had to pop in, sorry!” She smiled apologetically after seeing my surprised face.

I shook my head and sighed, looking at the two girls and saying in what I hoped was confidence, “I don’t have a crush on him. We're working together on an important project he asked me to help him with. That's it.” I huffed after a moment of silence that I knew was them not believing me.

They glanced at each other before bursting into giggles. I rolled my eyes and plopped my head onto the row table, my arms cushioning my face’s landing. “You’ll never believe me, will you?” I asked rhetorically, glancing up at them to see them shaking their heads in unison. “Nothing wrong with crushing on someone.” Another voice chimed in, my head whirling around to Hamasaki’s girlfriend, Liang, who sits next to me in class. “Yes there is when you barely know the guy!” I groaned, my head back onto the table.

They didn’t drop it until near the end of lunch, Hamasaki and Liang both heading off to their dorm before their next classes. That left me and Holly sitting at the table, laptops open and silence drifting between us. “Are you sur–” She started before I quickly shut her down. “Yes, I’m sure. I don’t do crushes, ok? At least I usually don’t. How do you even know when you love someone more than a friend?” I sighed heavily, telling the truth about the whole crush thing being an anomaly to me.

While everyone was all over each other through my childhood and high school years, I focused on my interests and acing my classes year after year. I’ve never thought about things like relationships until Emilio, never showing enough interest for my friends around me to catch on and tease me until Emilio.

Emilio, Emilio Emilio. I wanted to scream and claw at my brain when he shows up in my head now. I’ve never been obsessed with someone so much that the thought of them hurts. How could I explain this to anyone, let alone Holly? She was my only hope though, so I gave it my best shot.

I looked her in the eye intensely, her eyes locking onto mine with a smile. I opened my mouth and blurted all my thoughts onto her, my words hitting her a mile a minute. She nodded with each sentence, understanding flashing through her. After I finished I felt out of breath, putting my face in my hands in defeat. That made Holly chuckle, giving me a minute to catch up with my own words.

“I get your worries. Hmm..this is definitely gonna be tough for you since you really only have kindergarten level knowledge of love. But it’s ok! I’ve helped a lot of my friends through school with their love troubles. I’m basically your personal Cupid!” She grinned in more of a mischievous way than a reassuring way. I nodded and took a deep breath. 

“So is it normal to fall for someone in less than a week of knowing them?” Was the first coherent question I could muster. My cheeks burned hot with embarrassment, feeling silly for asking such simple questions. She took a moment to think about it before nodding. “I would say so. I mean, the cliche ‘love at first sight’ is a cliche for a reason, right?” Holly made everything make sense. Like an understanding guardian angel coming to make you feel validated.

“How would I even approach him about something like this? Should I approach him? What if he doesn’t ‘do’ relationships? Especially after only knowing me, let me say again, a week!” I rapid fired a bunch of questions at her, feeling sorry for my freak out being dumped on her. She took everything in strides, answering the questions in bunches.

“Let’s worry about telling him later and focusing on getting to know him better. Maybe after you know more you will have a better understanding of how to approach him if you want to and if it feels right to you.” She was definitely a godsend. The bell tower rang with the signal of noon, my alarm going off on my untouched computer in front of me. I quickly packed my things and gave Holly a well deserved hug, flinging a bunch of compliments and thank yous before rushing off.

I had the rest of the day booked with Emilio, getting closer to the night of the heist. We were drilling the plan and practicing everything before the weekend, my body feeling drained just thinking about it. I stopped by the cafe we had our first encounter at, grabbing us both our drinks and some energy food before rushing to catch the subway train to his district.

Everything felt amazing back then. If only it stayed that way.