***CONTENT WARNING: THIS EPISODE DEPICTS THE SUICIDE OF A MAJOR CHARACTER AND MAY BE TRIGGERING FOR SOME READERS. IT IS NOT MY INTENTION TO GLORIFY OR EXCUSE SUICIDE. 

IF YOU OR SOMEBODY YOU KNOW IS EXPERIENCING SUICIDAL THOUGHTS OR EXHIBITING SUICIDAL BEHAVIOUR SEEK HELP IMMEDIATELY. 

PLEASE.

THIS. REALLY. HAPPENED. THERE IS NO "UNDO" BUTTON HERE. DERRICK IS GONE AND IS NEVER COMING BACK.

IT WAS DIFFICULT TO LIVE THROUGH 22 YEARS AGO, IT WAS DIFFICULT TO WRITE ABOUT IT IN 2022, AND IT WAS EXTREMELY DIFFICULT TO ILLUSTRATE IT WHILE AT THE SAME TIME KEEPING IT TASTEFUL AND RESPECTFUL. HOWEVER, THIS WAS A PART OF MY LIFE, A MAJOR ONE, AND IT WOULD DO NOBODY ANY FAVOURS TO ERASE DERRICK FROM THE STORY OR LIE ABOUT HIS END.

WITH THAT SAID, PROCEED WITH CAUTION. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

When I got home I showed the newspaper article to Troy, and went to the computer to see if there was any news. As expected, James messaged me straight away asking if I'd heard anything. I said no, and then I opened a message from Quique.

Quique: I've been waiting all day for you to come online. I have to tell you something very important. You're the only one I trust enough to tell this to. Please don't say anything in open channel, and don't say anything to James or Mel. Or anyone, for that matter..

Asterixx: What's wrong?

Quique: Promise me. Not a word to anyone. People could get in big trouble.

Asterixx: Ok, I promise. Troy is here reading this, though. Is that OK?

Quique: Yes, Troy is OK.

Quique: Carmen, they are not going to find Derrick.

Asterixx: What? What do you mean?

Quique: He's dead, Carmen. Derrick killed himself.

Troy gasped. I choked down a sob.

Asterixx: What? How? How do you know this?

Quique: He jumped off the MacDonald Bridge on Saturday night.

I felt like somebody pulled all of my insides out. I didn't know what to say, but I had to say something.

Asterixx: Are you sure? How do you even know this?

Quique: Yes, I'm sure. Remember when I said that my father works for the bridge commission? He told me. The police came in requesting to see video footage of the sidewalks that night. Apparently it was clear as a bell: He ran along the sidewalk until he got to the middle, then climbed the barrier and jumped. It was over in the blink of an eye.

Asterixx: Oh my God. I can't believe this. Does James even know?

Quique: No, he doesn't know. And you can't tell him. My father wasn't even supposed to tell me, but he knew we had been dating. He could get fired for it.

Asterixx: I am just in shock. So did they find his body?

Quique: I doubt it. My father says that people jump all the time and they never find their bodies. There are strong currents in the harbour, and he would have been washed out at the first low tide, if he didn't get tangled up in a ship that was leaving.

Asterixx: That's fucked up. I mean, at least now we know, but still. I can't believe he's gone. And James...

Quique: You absolutely can not tell James any of this! The only reason I’m even telling you is that I know you’re sensible enough not to tell anyone. James would blab it all over the city. Derrick's parents will have been told, but that's it. It's up to them to let others know what happened.

Asterixx: Surely he'll find out when it's in the paper that police have closed the case

Quique: It'll never be in the paper. They don't report suicides out of fear of copycats. If you knew how many people throw themselves off that bridge in the run of a year you'd be shocked. Dad tells me about them all the time. Usually if you see in the paper that a body has been found but foul play is not suspected, or that a person has disappeared without a trace and hasn't touched their bank account but foul play isn't suspected, it's suicide. The police will have closed their case, but unless somebody finds a body we'll never see it in the paper, and even then, once it's identified a cause of death will never be made public. They do this out of respect for the victim and their family, which is why James can’t know.

Asterixx: But poor James! He deserves to know! I'm sure Derrick's parents will tell him.

Quique: No, Carmen, they won't. They didn't know that he and James had been a couple. They didn't even know that Derrick was gay. They knew James, and they knew that James is gay, but they thought he was just an old friend. Derrick and James grew up in the same town and had been friends since they were children. And they didn't like James, because they knew that he was gay and they didn't approve.

Asterixx: How could they not know Derrick was gay? You could see it from space, for God's sake. I thought he was out and proud?

Quique: Well, you know what they say about Denial not being a river in Egypt. Parents sometimes see what they want to see, or, more accurately, they don't see what they don't want to see. Derrick was always telling me how strict and religious his parents are. They never would have accepted him as being gay. They probably would have blamed James for 'turning' him. I think that's got a lot to do with why he drank so much. He hated himself for being the way he was and was terrified that his parents would find out. That's why he moved to the city to begin with, less chance of him being caught being himself. Here in the city he was out and proud, but at home in New Glasgow he was a confirmed bachelor. He just couldn't deal with any of this while sober.

Troy and I were both crying as we were reading all of this.

Asterixx: That is just so wrong. And so unfair. To him, and to James. So what is James supposed to do now?

Quique: That's not up to us. I know it sucks to let James suffer like this, but we can't tell him. We aren't even supposed to know about it ourselves.

Asterixx: Ok, I won't tell him. Maybe he'll figure it out himself.

Quique: Maybe, but don't hold out hope. James never was the sharpest tool in the shed.

Asterixx: Yeah, I guess so.

Quique: Ok, I'm gonna sign off now. You probably won't see me online anymore, I'm gonna stay away from IRC for a while. You guys take care of yourselves.

Asterixx: Ok, you too. And if you ever need to talk, you know where to find me.

Quique: Will do.

Server message: Quique has left IRC

I turned off the computer and looked at Troy. He was looking back at me with tears running down his cheeks. I couldn't think of anything to say, so I stood up and pulled him into a hug. We just stood there hugging each other and crying.

Derrick was gone. Forever. And, unless his body was found some day, nobody but us would even know what had happened to him. The fact that Derrick's parents probably wouldn't tell James was really bothering me as well. They had been together for years, and as flawed as their relationship was, they loved each other.

Derrick would never come back, and James would be left wondering, never knowing whether he was dead or alive. I held Troy tight and couldn't imagine the pain that would cause, if he disappeared and I never knew why. I made the decision that I had to help James. I wouldn't come out and tell him, but maybe I could help him get there on his own. I said this to Troy.

"But how?", he asked. "What are you going to do?"

"I don't know yet. I just have to do something. I can’t actually tell him, but maybe I can lead him to figure it out on his own. It's so damned unfair."

Later on that evening I logged into IRC again, and as I expected, James messaged me right away and asked me if I had heard anything. My heart fell as I noticed the channel topic, still pleading for help. Troy was sitting beside me again. I needed him here for this.

^James: Hey Carmen, have you guys heard anything?

Asterixx: No, I haven't. Sorry.

^James: OMG, I'm so worried about him. When I get my hands on him I'm gonna kill him.

My heart wrenched in my chest. I had no idea how I was going to do this, but I had to do it. I looked at Troy and said "Time to plant the seed. Here goes..."

Asterixx: James, I hate to say this, I know that you're worried, but do you think that maybe he did something to himself?

^James: What? No! Why would you even say something like that?

Asterixx: I don't know. I mean, he's been gone for a few days, and nobody has seen any sign of him. His bank account hasn't been touched or anything. That's just odd. Did you see the newspaper article?

^James: No, I didn't. I'm in Los Angeles now.

Asterixx: Ok, just give me a second. I'll scan it and DCC it to you.

Troy ran and grabbed the newspaper. I tore the article out, placed it on the scanner, scanned it, and sent the image to James. After a few minutes he messaged again.

^James: OK, I've read it. So what? It doesn't say anything we didn't already know.

Asterixx: Yes it does, James. We all knew that he was seen leaving Club NRG crying, but according to that article he was last seen running North on Gottingen street two hours later. People outside of The Marquis saw him.

^James: So?

Asterixx: Think about it, James. Where would you end up if you went North on Gottingen Street from downtown? Where could Derrick have been going?

^James: He was probably going home. He lives in Dartmouth, remember? He used to do that all the time. He would drink his cab fare and walk home across the bridge.

Bingo. We were getting there now.

Asterixx: Yeah. The bridge. Do you think he may have fallen off? Or maybe even jumped?

^James: NO! Derrick would never have jumped off that bridge! I Can't believe you'd even say that!

Ok, we might be getting there, but James was not gonna make it a smooth trip. Telling him without actually telling him was not going to be easy. Time for some tact.

Asterixx: Ok, maybe he wouldn't have jumped. He was extremely drunk, though. Witnesses said that. He was always drunk. Don't you think that maybe he might have tripped over his own feet while staggering across and maybe fallen off?

^James: I suppose so, but even if he did that, somebody would know, wouldn't they? Somebody would have found him.

Asterixx: Not necessarily. If he'd fallen into the water he might have been washed away with the tide. If he landed on a cargo ship they might not even have found him until they got to China. The only way they would have found him for sure would be if he had fallen off just at the start of the bridge and landed on Barrington Street or the Shipyard below.

^James: But somebody would have had to have seen him

Asterixx: Mid-span on the bridge at 3:30 in the morning? Maybe a passing car might have seen him, but it's doubtful.

^James: I suppose. But what about cameras? I know they have cameras. The cops could have looked at those.

Asterixx: They probably did. But we wouldn't know about it.

^James: They'd have told me. I'm his boyfriend.

Asterixx: You mean you’re his ex-boyfriend. You're in LA now, remember? It doesn't matter anyway. They would have told his next of kin and nobody else.

^James: His parents. His fucking parents.

Finally, we had arrived.

Asterixx: Have you talked to them?

^James: What? No! They can't stand me! And I can't stand them!

Asterixx: Well, maybe you should. It surely couldn't hurt.

^James: Ok, I will. But wait, why are you saying all of this? Do you know something?

Now it was time to rip the band-aid off. I knew this was gonna hurt, but I had to drive the thought into James's head, one way or the other.

Asterixx: No, I don't know any more than you do. But I have been thinking about it, and that's the only solution I can see. He's almost certainly not OK, because we'd have heard from him, or at the very least he'd have used his bank account or cell phone if he was. We have to start considering the darker possibilities. I don't think he was murdered because nobody found any bodies or any signs of a crime. He may have been kidnapped, I suppose, but that's doubtful. I'm going to be blunt with you, James. I think Derrick is dead, and I think it was his own doing, whether intentionally or not. That bridge just stands out to me as the most likely place he went.

^James: That is a terrible fucking thing to say. I can't believe you. I thought you were decent. Why would you even say things like this to me?

Asterixx: I can't say whether I'm decent or not, but I'm just trying to be realistic here, James. You are simply going to have to accept the fact that Derrick might be gone. You've got to talk to his parents. Holding out false hope isn't going to do you any favours.

^James: How can you even call it false hope? Of course I'm gonna hope he's alive!

Of course I couldn't tell him how I knew it was false hope. I knew I was hurting him, but at least I had planted the seed.

Asterixx: I guess false hope wasn't the right thing to say. We're all hoping he's Ok. But James, you really do have to start thinking about the worst.

^James: You know what? You can fuck off. I don't need you telling me this shit. You're a fucking lunatic. You're probably just pissed off that you missed your chance to have him. Well it's too late, fuckhead. When he comes back I'm gonna tell him the things you've said about him.

Asterixx: Believe me, James, nothing would make me happier than you being able to tell him those things. I know you didn't want to hear this stuff, but I had to tell it to you anyway. You have to be prepared for the worst. Just talk to his parents.

^James: Fuck off. Don't ever talk to me again.

Server Message: ^James has left IRC.

I clicked the little X to close the window, sat back, and sighed.

"Well, that went well", Troy said.

"It went about as well as it could have. I couldn't come right out and tell him, so I had to lead him there on his own. He doesn't accept it, but at least the thought is in his head now. Whether he believes it or not, he'll be thinking about it. Hopefully he'll talk to Derrick's parents."

"Yeah", Troy said. "Hopefully. So what about your friendship?"

"I don't know. But it is what it is. If he comes around and forgives me I'll accept that. If he doesn't... well, Derrick is gone and he's in LA, so it won't be much of a loss anyway."

I made the decision to never log into IRC again. That life was now behind me. I didn't need it anymore.