Siddhu felt heavy. They had been smiling the whole day, but now their face felt too heavy to sit in its usual smile. The same smile that felt so normal to have, regardless of how they felt inside. They walked to their bus, knowing that they had made everyone around them worried sick. They had hurt all of their friends. They walked up their bus, feeling the teary eyes of Swara on their back. The load on their heart felt heavier than ever.
'Thank god the bus is emptier than usual,' they sighed. Slumping themselves on to the seat, thy tried in vain to find words, coherent thoughts in their mind. Anything to distract them. 'I hope none of them calls'. They made a mental note to keep their phone near them. God forbid they find either a boy or a girl calling. Siddhu left out a chuckle, one filled with regret and sadness. 'I wish they had never found out,' they wished, as they felt the tears forming again.
At home, the dark grey clouds had filled the sky and had begun their downpour, and the lights had to be turned on early. Siddhu had the history books in front of them, their favourite subject. Siddhu looked out the window. They hated the rain. This day was doing nothing to make itself better. They glanced outside the door, left wide open. Out from the hall, they could hear the familiar tone of the phone ringing.
Then it stopped. "Hello? Who is this?" they heard their mother say.
"Mhmm, mhmm. Alright, I'll give it to him, give me a second," she said as she walked into the room and handed the phone over, whispering, "Not more than 15 minutes."
Siddhu nodded.
"Hey!!"
"Hey Siddhu, just wanted to check up on you... I told your mom its about the skit, is that okay?" Mirzab said
"No no, I'll be fine, don't worry too much!" Siddhu said in their best chipper voice.
"Hey Siddhu, I'm here too by the way. And... umm... You can tell us what's up. I know you're not alright, and talking could help." Swara chipped in.
Siddhu let out a deep sigh, thoughts running miles per second. They hoped these people were different. They felt different, and it felt safe enough to take that leap of faith
"Tomorrow. I'll tell you guys tomorrow," they said, breath shaky and uncertain, hoping with all their might that it would all be okay. They hung up, quickly wiped away the moistness in their eyes and got up. They kept the phone in the living room, and without making any eye contact with their mother, went back speedily into their room.
The next day came speedily. A night of sleep had given Siddhu enough energy to smile again, and they got through till short break. The now established circle of Swara, Mirzab, Indu, Sameera and themselves was oddly quiet. All were looking at them with concern, as if they might burst into tears again. Swara and Mirzab seemed to have told Indu and Sameera the short conversation they had had the previous evening, and they had also seen messages from both that morning, with profuse apologies. In that moment, the silence was broken by Sameera. "Siddhu, me and Indu are really sorry... We didn't mean to startle you like that," she looked over at Indu, asking for back up.
"Yeah Siddhu. We'll resolve it privately, okay? Won't do that ever again, we promise," Indu said, and nodded at Sameera. Sameera rolled her eyes, but a part of her hoped that Indu was being sincere.
"It's okay guys, don't worry about me," Siddhu responded, smiling as widely as they could. Swara looked at them pointedly. "So... What had happened? Do you want to tell us?"
Siddhu felt a lump in their throat. So this was it. The first people. "Umm... I've had a bunch of issues over the years with people. I mean, look at me - I'm prime target for bullies, really. And well, people shouting tends to trigger me. Its embarrassing, honestly," they started, eyes firmly on the on their food. They could feel everybody's eyes on them.
Swara got up, sat down beside them, and put a hand over their shoulder. "Not embarrassing, don't worry. I've done way worse," she consoled him.
"Only cuz you think it was embarrassing, but that's besides the point now," Mirzab responded, and looked at Siddhu, prompting them to continue.
"Mirzab's right Swara, but yeah. I mean, shouting has been common for me for a long time. When I get bullied, it was kinda considered my fault, I suppose? If I were man enough, this wouldn't happen at all. Or at least that's what everybody around me kept telling me. And well..." This was it.
"I could never be man enough... because I'm not a man at all..."
They looked at the floor, unable to bring themselves to face their friends, if they would stay friends at all. But they saw Swara's other arm come up to their shoulder, and felt her hugging them tightly. "Stupid people, never listen to them, okay?" they heard her mumble, and that let the dams burst.
"Thank you for telling us, Siddhu," Indu said, and Siddhu got finally got the courage to look up and see three smiling faces, and one mildly confused, belonging to Sameera.
"I don't want to sound bad or anything..." she started.
"- You care about that now?!" Mirzab playfully responded, as Swara pulled herself away from Siddhu and gave him an, "Oi!"
"No, I was saying, I'm a bit confused... Are you trans?"
"Mhmm, I guess so... More specifically, right now, I think I'm... some form of non-binary. I don't think I'm a girl..." Siddhu said, still a bit shaken.
"So wait, what pronouns do you use?" Mirzab asked
"Umm... They/them is good... I guess..." they nodded, trying to realise that they had, for the first time, come out to people. And that it had gone good. Their family was wrong. It was not impossible to live a life, or have friends. Slivers of hope had begun the journey to their heart.
"Alright everyone! Give let's give them the biggest hug ever!" Swara squealed, pulling everyone, including a mildly reluctant Indu in. Siddhu wiped aside their tears as the joy of hearing someone actually use their pronouns made them feel giddy enough to fly.
The ringing bell brought them all back to their senses, and their still empty stomachs lamented as they dragged themselves back to class hungry, but happy. Siddhu, for the very first time was smiling, but it was not the smile they put on for others. It was for their own self. All those years of misery would not go, but perhaps, there was chance for joy to mingle with that now. Maybe even a sense of belonging, who knew? Their mind saw a chance of a positive future for the first time in what could be years. The kind of dreams you had at 5. They could conquer the world if they wanted to. Giggling to themselves they walked on, and walked into their classroom with Mirzab.
Mirzab sat next to them, held their hand with both of his own, shook it, and said, "I'm proud of you Siddhu. It had to be very hard..." Siddhu pulled Mirzab towards themselves and hugged them.
"Y'all are the first people I've told, so yeah. I mean, I should be thanking you guys, you took it a hundred times better than I thought you would" they mumbled as they refused to let go of Mirzab. Mirzab's eyes widened.
"We are?!"
Siddhu let go and laughed softly, nodding the affirmative.
"But, you shouldn't thank us or anything. We're literally just fulfilling the bare minimum," Mirzab said, his tone more serious.
The corners of Siddhu's lips turned upwards, but their eyes became sadder. "You wouldn't know how many people don't even do that much," they said, matter-of-factly.
"Still doesn't mean you should thank us for it. Thank you for trusting us," Mirzab said.
Both turned around and saw their teacher enter the classroom. Hastily, they brought their books out, as a comfortable silence fell between them. Siddhu sighed, exhaling out their worries and miseries.
In the science classroom, Indu sat beside Sameera, a little more used to the company now, though it was still too awkward to make any conversation. She thought about how more than half of their group had turned out to be queer. Now all that was left was for Swara to come out, and then Mirzab could be the token straight. She giggled at the thought. Sameera turned at that sound, the same dolphin sound that had flustered her just a few weeks ago. It felt like a lifetime away, but the same red was creeping up to her cheeks. She turned away as soon as she felt it. Her anger had not subsided, and she wanted Indu to take responsibility. She would not be made to go through that hot and cold again and again.
Practice that day thankfully went better. In fact, they were doing the best they had done in a while. Sameera only forgot a few lines, and Indu had become decent at emoting now. As Archana ma'am saw them, she felt pride at how much they had all improved. Especially her leads.
"Alright guys, I suppose that's a wrap for practice? All ready for day after tomorrow?"
"Yes ma'am!" a chorus was heard from the five of them. They all went about packing up and getting ready to leave.
Indu had had a decent day, but her fight with Sameera had been gnawing at her mind more than she would have liked to admit. She had realised that what she was doing to Sameera may not be the healthiest thing. Heck, it was outright toxic. But making amends would mean letting Sameera in. And for that... Well, the fortress walls would have to open up. The same fortress walls she had been building up meticulously ever since Kriti. And to think that this time, her heart might... She quickly pushed her thoughts aside, and picked her bag up and practically ran to the buses. She would deal with this later.
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