I'm not exactly in the best of mindset at the moment, so I will have to make this brief. 

Over the last few months, I've been working my ass off to finally finish my degree. Using my fulltime job to finally clear away all of my financial debts to my school and pay the graduation fee, I was given the all clear from the Department of English that I was ready to graduate and could have my degree conferred to me on the 17th. 

I was so happy, but because of the timing, I have yet to see or talk to my school concerning obtaining it. Fast-forward now, and it all seems meaningless, because of one thing.

This past Wednesday, my maternal grandmother went into cardiac arrest and was hospitalized. There was no notice, no warning; it was so sudden that my family no idea how to process what was happening. 3 days before Christmas, and the one person who was the driving force for our annual tradition is...

...

I'm honestly unable to process or deal with anything right now, between moments of shock and small fits of crying, I'm holding in a lot of my grief because I still need to work and right now, my mother and my sister need me. But I'm just as lost as them. Many family members have given prayers and words of comfort, but even with their faces, I'm finding it hard to take any of them seriously. I was practically bedridden with fatigue, either crying or tired and trying to distract myself with games and books, doing what I do best to keep my mind from overly wandering. 

My grandmother was... Is... one of the main reasons why I enjoyed books, stories, and writing in general, because she was a writer herself, so she understood the nuances of grammar and language. 

I'm... I...

I don't want to be alone with others right now, but I don't want to be cut off. I find it condescending and disconcerting to approach others, and I almost broke down at work. I have a stone face and quiet mannerisms, and many of my work friends are starting to notice that I'm not as amicable as I used to be. I've told only a few people, because I want to open up, not for points of sympathy, but because it's natural to say. I've always known she was going to leave, I've always been prepared.

I didn't even get to say goodbye.

Just like my dad...

...

In any event, I'm dealing with this the best way I know how, so for this moment, the silence and lack of awareness because of my focus on moving forward in life just stopped abruptly. Perhaps I'll return to post more content. but for right now, I can't even look at my computer screen, let alone deal with others. 

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and Happy New Year, I pray you all are kept in perfect peace, and take care of your loved ones.

XOXO.