The pages made a soft sound when Rin flipped through them carefully. It was a very strange experience as he had never held a real plastic book in his hands before. He didn’t even look at words and just enjoyed the sensations of his fingertips on the smooth surface. 

Haasan and he were sitting in a small room at the end of the row of rooms. There were three desks with personal lights and several rows of shelves, but instead of digital storage nodes they contained plastic books; it was quieter here and colder because of that. Rin didn’t mind, his pilot jacket was warm enough. Haasan, however, put on a woollen cardigan and together with his glasses and a button-up underneath he now looked like a character from a period drama. It added to the unreal sensation that they were not on a spaceship anymore.

Haasan was calmly explaining to Rin the different printing styles. How for smaller brochures you could just print four pages, stack them and staple in the middle. How for bigger books, you could do the same and then glue several stacks together. A more common way was to just attach the pages to the spine of the book, which on one hand made them look slicker, but on the other brought a complication into the actual reading process. He demonstrated it by showing how the book didn’t open wide enough to read the innermost words and then cracking it open properly with a loud pop that made Rin cry out in terror. This clearly amused Haasan.

Rin liked those tiny moments of emotion on Haasan’s face that were not the default polite neutrality. They’ve known each other for less than three weeks, but he felt like it would take years to learn what this man was really like under this strange defensive layer. It had to be defensive, it appeared on his face each time something annoying or infuriating happened. Like mention of Mikey or Andrade, discussion of the Earth’s education system, or mention of mainstream modern philosophers. Haasan really hated the “new humanity” movement, Rin could almost feel the disgust in the air; but his face remained calm and neutral and his voice was even despite the venom in his words.

The library visits became more frequent. Rin would take less books just so he could visit not twice a week but every other day, even if the open hours ran dangerously close to his own shift. He was obsessed with this place and he didn’t know why. He didn’t want to know why.

The safety and cosiness of it was probably why he was here tonight. He didn’t even bring his library interface because he was in such a hurry to leave the cockpit he forgot it in his station’s storage box. His feet brought him down to this deck where he found the library door closed. Haasan saw him on the service camera and let him in nevertheless. He didn’t pry about what was going on and instead asked him about his recent reading. When this also didn’t bring much results, he brought him to this backroom.

Rin felt better already. Maybe it was the change of the light shade, or Haasan’s low and steady voice, or the grounding sensation of holding a book in his hands. He felt like he could breathe again. He felt no dread anymore.

Haasan brought two cups of herbal brew for them (ceramic, not plastic) and made Rin close his book and put it back on the shelf before he was allowed to drink from one. The drink was made using actual plant fibre instead of more common powder and smelled sharper than anything he was used to. But it was nice.

“Would you like to share what has happened?” Haasan asked after a moment of just sitting opposite of him with his cup an inch above the desk. He had a neutral expression on his face, not the defensive kind but inviting. He was ready to accept a bad reaction as an answer.

Rin stared at the golden liquid in his cup. He felt kind of silly for reacting so poorly earlier, and he didn’t want to annoy Haasan or cause him to laugh at this. “It’s really nothing… I am just not doing my best at work.”

The neutral was definitely defensive now. “Because Andrade says so?”

Rin sighed and leaned back in his soft chair. He didn’t want to badmouth the Chief Pilot behind his back, especially not with his main nemesis. But he also couldn’t stop himself. “Well, none of it is undeserved. I still forget things and it will soon be a month since I started here.”

Haasan’s eyebrow rose and a tiny smile appeared on his lips. “And you never ever have to do something because Andrade forgot it on his shift? Does he get an earful from you afterwards?”

Rin blinked and pondered this for a moment. Well, of course not. It would be inappropriate. Rin would just fix the issue and log it in the internal journal if it was something critical. But then Andrade was the chief and he had to make sure the crew was at its top. If everyone got lazy with their duties, the whole ship would be in danger.

“You are doing this thing again where you are making excuses on his behalf.” Haasan said calmly and took a sip of his brew. “Doing exactly what he hopes you would be doing.”

This made Rin blush and he put his cup down on the desk. “I know you are not fond of him but this is unfair.”

“I am not ‘not fond’ of him, Mr Richard. I despise the thing he is becoming. The worst thing that ever happened to him was being given authority. He is not fit to wield it.”

The strange thing, Haasan sounded genuinely concerned. This wasn’t a snarky remark but an analysis made from knowledge Rin lacked. Or maybe it only sounded like a thoughtful insight and was Haasan’s way of trying to turn him against Andrade. That seemed unlikely.

“He seems strict but fair to everyone else.”

“Everyone else doesn’t pose a danger to him.”

Rin frowned and looked at him. He didn’t understand. Haasan also put his cup down and leaned forward with palms pressed together. “Do you know who was the previous target of his scrutiny? Yaya Ndaw, the previous Second Pilot. She had one thing in common with you. She was a licensed pilot.”

“And she left…”

“She left because she found a better opportunity on a mixed colony. But something tells me getting away from Andrade was part of it.”

This made Rin feel miserable and he knew he wasn’t able to keep it off his face. Haasan shifted in his seat and his right hand twitched ever so slightly. “What I am trying to say is that there is nothing wrong with you or your performance, Mr Richard. The one person who needs to get his shit together is Andrade and Andrade alone.” 

He sighed and got up to walk over to one of the shelves. Rin stared at his cup. He didn’t feel reassured. If his immediate higher-up was behaving unfairly, he had no influence over it. He could, however, adjust his own behaviour to minimise the risk of being picked at. That’s what everyone in the cockpit has done so far, probably. Haasan returned and put down a book with a plain black cover next to Rin’s elbow.

“Take it. Don’t read it all at once. A poem a day. But don’t do it mindlessly.” Rin looked up at Haasan and noticed the intensity in his stare and an unusual frown on his face. “Imagine you are back in the Academy and you have to write an essay on each of them. Write them in your mind. For yourself.”

Rin took it carefully. The title was in Far-Galactic: “Searching For Meaning” by E.S. Dow. He has never heard of this book or its author. “You think this will help me deal with Andrade?”

Haasan snorts as he sits back down and picks up his cup. “Absolutely not. But hopefully, it will help you deal with yourself.”

So he had to return to his cabin with a book pressed to his side hoping no one would pay attention to it. No one did, hardly anyone cared about books. Perhaps, they didn’t even know that this was how real books looked like. Mikey was awake but still in bed, checking the feed on his interface. Rin managed to angle himself to not let him see the book as he shoved it into the storage space. Mikey sat up, yawned and asked. “Where’ve you been?”

Rin landed on his own bunk and kicked off his boots to pull the knees up to his chest. He may not have been completely honest with Mikey about the frequency of his library visits. He tried timing them so they happened during the second shift when the second pilot was in the cockpit. 

“Needed some… alone time.” Rin said vaguely and rested his chin on his knees. Something in his eyes helped Mikey immediately understand the issue.

“Shit, did Andrade dig into you again? That’s like the third time this hop.”

Rin nodded and sighed. This was never not awkward discussing Andrade with Mikey. But at the same time, he was the person closest to understanding it. Because despite his one-sided crush, Mikey also constantly got flack from the chief pilot. Only he, seemingly, took it lighter than Rin.

Mikey dropped his feet down to the floor and rubbed his face in an attempt to clear his brain. “Eugh… Maybe… Maybe I can try talking to him? As we are changing shifts?”

“No.” Rin shook his head and grimaced. “You know it won’t help. It will only get you in trouble, and I definitely don’t want that. I am fine. I will be fine.”

He smiled at Mikey, then added. “First job experience, right? Sometimes people will be dicks to you, and you have to learn to deal with it.”

Mikey snorted. “That doesn’t sound like the perfect first job to me.”

“What was yours like?”

“Ehhh.” Mikey dropped down sideways on his pillow again. “Dad’s friend ran a logistical company and agreed to keep me at a sorting line without employing me. Most others just ignored me so when I failed at everything no one would yell at me. They probably feared to breathe the same air as me or whatever else idiots believe about how ‘deviancy’ spreads.”

Rin smiled sadly. “That sounds worse though.”

“I don’t know. At least I didn’t have an existential crisis over not being qualified for what I’ve spent 5 years studying for, right?” Mikey shrugged. “I could just accept everybody was a bigot and a moron and not wonder if I was doing something wrong.”

This made Rin groan and fall on his pillow too. He mumbled into it: “Please, don’t psychoanalyse me. I’ll figure it out. Eventually. I’ve signed a contract to Tiktik with a promise to sign another one afterwards.”

After Mikey took a shower, dressed up and left to get breakfast and prepare for the upcoming shift, Rin pulled the book out of the storage space and slowly flipped through the pages. Each page contained a poem: some were long and barely fit, others had three lines and hovered in the middle of the page framed by empty borders. The spine was cracked in several places, clearly on most-read pages, but Rin made sure not to immediately check those out. Haasan told him to go through them one by one. And so he will. He tried opening the first one, but the binding was really tight there. 

He hesitated for a moment, took a deep breath and cracked it open with a loud snap.