Sam-Jae Lee

West Kinsley was the fishbowl that tried and failed to hold the shark that was me. Although shoving a shark into a fishbowl would have been so much easier than acclimating myself back into the dreary, slow paced town, that was West Kinsley. Not even the memories in my pocket and yearning barely present at the edges of my skin could have convinced me to step foot in this place again. 

Yet, here I was, back where it all started. West Kinsley, my home since I finished high school. The only other place I felt normal despite the looks my marred skin still drew.

West Kinsley had barely been a home to me three years ago but the town had grown on me and it had its perks. Unfortunately, those perks included my best friend grilling me at the ass crack of dawn. 

Teddy's crisp white shirt strained under his open cardigan as he rolled his eyes. One would think I was the one inconveniencing him, "Are you actually going to tell me what happened?" His neat little bowtie flicked up from the tension he created when he crossed his arms across his chest. 

Disappointed Teddy. What else was new.

I eyed the contents of his... our fridge, warily. For a guy who lived on the straight and narrow his fridge... our fridge, right. Our fridge was embarrassingly empty. To be fair I thought moving back in with Teddy would have been roses n steaks. Or at the very least an endless supply of free food but i was wrong, again. Just like I was wrong when I thought my life beyond West Kinsley would be a walk in the park.

I closed the fridge and shrugged. Pulling the rickety, white machine open again I stuck my head inside and lowered myself to the height of the lowest shelf, "No, I don't think I am."

"Sam, come on, man. Talk to me." Teddy's brogues clicked against the white ceramic floors with every step. 

He dragged out a chair from the small four seater table in the centre of the room and sat down with a soft thud, "What happened? I am not searching for much man. Just tell me what happened and I can get out of your hair?" 

Not searching for much?! Ha! 

What happened was the definition of much. In fact, it was so much I hadn't even figured out what exactly happened. Just thinking about ... 'it' made my stomach coil. I pushed the beers in the fridge around looking for something to say. Something honest and worthwhile that would convince him to drop it. 

Straightening my back I peered over the fridge door, Teddy's familiar brown eyes trapped mine in what seemed to be a challenge instead of the reprimand he meant it to be. I regretted standing despite the few centimetres I had on him. I squared my shoulders feeling dwarfed by the intensity of his scrutinising bushy eyebrows.  

"Look, Teddy." I began fumbling through my thoughts for an excuse. 

"Sit down, Sam." 

I slinked over to the chair opposite him and sank into the painful piece of furniture. The chair creaked under my weight and for a second I prayed it would crack under my weight giving me an escape from the awkwardness of the situation.

"Teddy..."

He flinched and his eyes flickered past me for a brief second, "Don't call me that. You don't have the right to call me that, not until you explain what you did."

My face scrunched up, "What makes you think I did something?" 

"You showed up on my doorstep dripping wet with nothing but a fucking book and your Harley, Sam. Which I am assuming you didn't ride all the from France because that's fucking impossible!" 

"I didn't. I actually..." 

"Not to mention, you don't call! You don't text! The only reason I knew you were in France was because HE was there and I happened to notice you in the background of one of his photo-ops. I don't know about you Sam! But I actually considered you my best friend." 

"Teddy, come on."

"I said don't call me that!" Teddy's fingers clenched together and his voice dropped to a whisper, "You of all people should know what that means to me. Friendships are all I have Sam and ours is significant to me as well... not be dramatic but the very breath i breathe. but clearly that means nothing to you!"  

I flinched trying to ignore the sharp sting that pierced my the centre of my heart. Of course Teddy was important to me he was but talking about what happened just wasn't on the cards for me not when the echoes of my regret woke me up before the sun rose. 

"I am sorry..."

"For ditching me or for proving to me that regardless of how much effort i put in my friendships will never be equal?"

"Teddy..."

"No," His voice broke, and he forced out a cough before continuing, "I didn't choose to be like this Sam. This is how Iam and I have accepted that all I asked from you was for you to meet me halfway."

"I am... I will. I can do better I promise."

Teddy's shoulders slumped.

 "I promise I will tell you but you need to understand, Ted..." I grimaced trying to get my bearing again, "Teddy, I am going to tell you what happened. I swear I will. Just... Not now. I can't do it right now." Not when the nightmares grapple for attention at the edges of my mind and the screams still haunt me when i am awake.

Teddy stared at me for a couple of minutes and with a resigned sigh he raised his palms in the air and scowled, "Fine. It doesn't matter, anyway. It's not my life." 

"Come on. Man. Don't be like that."

"Don't be like what? The stranger you ghosted for three years? Three fucking years Sam! And now that you fucked something up you are back with no warning, no call, no text, nothing. Just a can do attitude and what a copy of what even is this Fabio's next big adventure?" Teddy pushed lifted the novel and frowned in contempt. The book hit the table with a soft thud and he scowled, again.

As if to spite me my phone pinged from somewhere in the house and Teddy corked an eyebrow, "Oh great your phone works. Guess that means you were just too good for me, huh?" 

Teddy had every right to be angry with me, the last time Teddy he saw me was the night before I left. My adventure into the world had been unplanned whirlwind toor that had ended as abruptly as it started and of course that life came choke full of consequences of my own actions.

I ended up doing a lot more than I thought I was capable of. I partied in places I probably shouldn't have and kissed men I probably shouldn't have kissed. IT was fun, every new experience left my skin tingling, live currents pulsed through my skin every time I did something ‘reckless’. Just thinking about it made my heart race again but of course after what felt like the end of everything I was back where I started.  

"I am sorry Teddy. I swear I didn't mean to ghost you. Life outside of West Kinsley moves at a different pace and I was doing so much to catch up with the world out there. And by the time I realised I hadn't spoken to you it was too far into the year. I didn't want to mess up your new life with all your new friends."  

It wasnt a lie, I had seen his instagram. Most of his posts gave the impression of a moden dark academia book cover: poetry readings on the campus lawn, drinks in a dim bar filled with famous paintings on wall, he even had the classic sleeping under the canopy of a yellowing leaves with his head in some girls lap and an open book covering his face. His life was perfect without me and the thought of ruining all that seemed selfish at the time. 

Teddy's lips flattened and he leaned over the table pushing his face into my space, "Just answer this for me..." 

"Anything." I croaked.

"Whatever you did it's serious, right?' That wasnt his question more like an exclamation of sorts. His question came a few seconds later, "Did you..." 

He let his unanswered question hang in the air and I pretended I didn't know what he was asking me. 

"Did you kill someone?"

"You of all people can not stereotype me like that, Ted." I frowned, forcing myself to stare at his unwavering gaze, "What, I got a few more tattoos and piercings and now you think I am capable of anything?" 

Teddy frowned. His voice was a whisper in the silent kitchen, "And yet you still haven't denied it,"

"Teddy..."