Chapter 17 

Talking about my gender for a third time is easier, even if it is with Ven. But just as Tavatta has assured, the Lord is relaxed and listens patiently as I explain myself. He simply nods along, his expression neutral in a way that I know isn’t a bad sign. It just means he’s thinking about everything that I’m saying.

“I see. This makes sense,” he agrees after I conclude my explanation. He strokes his beard thoughtfully before glancing over at me. “Perhaps you would like some pretty clothes? You have yet to go into the town, correct? I can show you around, and you can pick some clothes that you would maybe like to wear on your more feminine days?”

Despite my efforts not to let it happen, Ven has managed to shove his foot in the door to my heart. So when he says this, it makes me smile just a little, even if I try not to let it show.

“I’ll take that as a good sign,” Ven says gently, his own smile softly matching my own.

Fuck. 

Maybe it’s alright to be his friend. But I need to get ahold of myself. The hope at the thought of a perhaps loving relationship is always chased away by the fear, suspicion and memories. It’s alright. 

I won’t have feelings for Ven.

I won’t.

A little easier said than done when Ven is always gentle and kind with me.

—————

“Come on, Vic!” Lisette takes my hand and drags me towards the main throng of people exploring the market. Ven decided to bring us on a market day so that we can to see as much as possible, but now that Lisette and I know the way over (it involves crossing a minor ravine) it should be easy for us to come again. 

Tavatta wanted to come with us today, but they had to train some new recruits to the patrollers. Instead, Lisette uses her newfound knowledge of my understanding of feminine things to her complete advantage. 

“What about this one? Or no, I’m not sure the colour is quite right- doesn’t it make me look too pale? What about a nice blue?” Lisette rambles, but honestly I have no idea about fashion in this world. The kind of stuff I used to wear as Victoria would’ve shocked anyone from this world - I’m surprised that Ven never commented on it, actually. But then again he’s just polite like that. 

It’s not like I dressed badly or anything, but I liked to wear short skirts and pretty blouses, maybe with a waistcoat over the top or something. And this world probably considers it inappropriate to show your ankles or something stupid like that.

“That one is pretty,” I tell Lisette as she puts a skirt back, shaking her head. “Definitely not on me- although, you would look nice in it,” she contemplates, pulling it back out and handing to me. Gently taking the article from her, I stare at it. Do I want to wear a skirt? It’s odd to think about, after so long.

I’m not sure I have the confidence, currently, but…maybe just owning one is a good start? I don’t have to go out wearing it, if I’m not comfortable. 

“The green looks lovely with your silver hair,” Ven says gently from beside me, making my face feel a little hot. I look away from him, feeling embarrassed. 

“Why don’t we get it? You don’t have to ever even wear it, if you don’t want,” he assures me, and I slowly nod. “Alright. Thank you,” I say quietly, but Lisette just looks at me confusedly. “Why wouldn’t you wear it? Isn’t that the whole point of clothes?”

Grimacing slightly, I shake my head. “It’s just- it’s more complicated than that, for me. At least, right now it is. Hopefully with time, it’ll become clearer and easier for me.”

Ven gently squeezes my shoulder. “I’m sure it will. Now that you have admitted how you feel to both yourself and others, it will be easier.”

Smiling hopefully, I stare at the article of clothing for a little longer before nodding. “You’re right, it is pretty. Maybe I’ll…give it a go?” I say hesitantly, but it still comes out half as a question. Both Lisette and Ven smile warmly at me.

“That’s the spirit! Let’s get it,” Lisette exclaims excitedly as I let her lead me towards the shop owner.

And it does feel nice, doing this kind of thing. It reminds me of when Rachel and I would have our girlie days out, going shopping, trying on dresses and jeans and laughing when we picked out horrid outfits for each other to model.

It was so simple and so much fun.

But that time is so far away, already.

I don’t know how or if time works differently here, but let’s say it has been eleven years since my death…I wonder what would be happening in Rachel’s life now? Would she and her girlfriend still be together? Is she happy?

What about my family?

I’ve never felt that close to my family - they weren’t awful or anything, they were just…cold. But I still loved them, in the way that I loved everyone I knew.

I had an older brother, who I never saw. He joined the army when I was young, so I never saw him much since he was my father’s son from his first marriage anyway. I only saw the man a few times a year, until I moved out. And then I never saw any of them, really. My dad passed away, and my mother didn’t even cry. She was angry that I was being annoying and making a racket - she frequently told me not to ‘make a scene’, as she put it. 

She thought that showing emotion was attention-seeking.

She never praised me, never treated me like her child. She was cold and unfeeling and distant and always looked at me like I was a parasite, and yet…

And yet.

I still loved her.

But I don’t miss her. I don’t even really miss my dead father anymore, either. I miss Rachel, and I miss Hector’s parents. They treated me with more love than my own parents combined.

I never thought that all I wanted was love. In fact, I thought that it was pathetic that people made love their whole reason for living. Sure, I loved my friends, and I loved Jack. But I had my whole life ahead of me. More friends out there, more lovers in the future, more professions waiting for me to try my hand at a little bit of everything.

I didn’t think that I craved love and yet…

And yet.

I still stayed with Jack for so long because it was scary, being without his love. I tried to ignore all the blatant signs of his infidelity, I tried to crush my instincts and pretend that everything was fine.

I lied to myself and said that Jack loved me. Me. 

And yet.

How amusing.

I was such a fool.

I still am.

I will always be a fool, whilst I’m holding onto this desire. This want, this need for love. It’s like my heart, my brain is screaming at me that I’m worthless, if no one loves me.

Such bullshit.

I don’t need anyone other than myself.

I don’t need anyone.

I can’t trust anyone.

And yet.

I still want to be loved.

If only Victoria had gone to therapy. Maybe that would have helped her, but by now…now I’m too far gone. Not even therapy could save me, could relieve the many issues that I have now.

I don’t even know what I want, all I know is that I’m so scared. 

I want to be happy, truly happy, without fearing the end, without waiting for the other shoe to drop. I want to trust people, I want to not go to sleep and dream of my murder. I want to feel free from these memories. 

I want to feel like I’m flying, not drowning.

But I’m constantly, constantly gasping for air. 

Surely, at some point, this has to start getting easier? Will time alone help? Or do I need to be doing more? Should I be pushing my boundaries, or should I be trying to finally relax? 

I don’t know. 

I don’t know anything anymore.

And with Life having seemingly disappeared from my consciousness, I really do feel like I’m all alone in my thoughts again.

I have to figure this out for myself. 

I have to find my own way in life; I have to carve my own path.