Nicolas couldn’t tell if he wanted to hug James or strangle him. He had barely taken his eyes off him, panicking when he had lost sight of him for a while. Only when James had come back around the side of the house with Cait had Nicolas’ heart settled.

Damn, he thought, I guess 25 really isn’t that different from 15.

He still half expected to open his eyes and find himself still in the motel room. The only thought worse than the fear that it was all just a dream was the worry that he had just made it up, that out of his sheer desperation for proof that James was alive and okay, he had hallucinated the figure floating around the edges of his party joking with his family and drinking lemonade.

The only thing that convinced Nicolas he wasn’t looking at a ghost (aside from how horrible it was to consider) was that James looked different from the last time Nicolas saw him. He had shaved his hair, he had a few more tattoos, and, most importantly of all, he looked healthier. He still had dark circles under his eyes, but they were less pronounced. He had put on some weight, just enough to go from dangerously skinny to thin and angular. His skin had a slight tan like he had started spending more time outside, and his scars had started to fade.

“Are you just gonna stare at him all night?” Donna teased. She had apparently snuck up on him while he was lost in thought.

Nicolas rolled his eyes. “I just…” He wasn’t sure how to finish that. I just missed him so much? I just can’t take my eyes off him? I just can’t believe he’s here. “It’s been so long,” he finished.

Donna nodded. She knew. After all, she had been there last year and every day since.

Nicolas suddenly wondered if she had spoken to James during that time. What about Juliana, Adam, and Cait? Did James ignore everyone or was it just me?

There was so much Nicolas wanted to know about the last year, and if they weren’t surrounded by people he would have already taken James back to his room and dragged as much information out of him as possible. However, he couldn’t just disappear from his own birthday party, so all he could do was stare.

“He looks much better,” Donna offered.

“Yes,” Nicolas agreed. “He does.”

Donna looked up at him. “It’s not your fault you know?”

“Which part?” Nicolas snapped. “His getting addicted to multiple substances, his dropping out of college, my not noticing, or his breaking up with me and then ignoring me for a year?”

A few of the people near them turned to look at Nicolas, and he knew he should feel bad for yelling at his sister, but he couldn’t quite bring himself to. It was as if the damn was breaking and now that the shock of seeing James again had worn off, all the other negative emotions were flooding back through.

Donna didn’t flinch, though. Her ability to come out of any situation completely unphased had always annoyed Nicolas growing up.

“All of it,” she said.

“I’m pretty sure the fact that I didn’t notice any of what was happening was my own fault,” Nicolas replied.

Donna shrugged. “You were at schools four hours apart by plane, and he didn’t want you to find out.”

“You don’t have to make excuses for me!”

Donna studied him closer. “Is that what this is about? Are you just mad at yourself?”

“It’s not just that,” Nicolas replied because he was a bad liar.

Donna sighed. “You should talk to him.”

“I will,” Nicolas said. “Just not at this party.”

“I don’t mean a serious conversation,” Donna said. “I mean, you obviously need to have a serious conversation at some point, but for now you should just go and hang out with him and Juliana, Adam, and Cait. It can be the five of you, just like old times.”

Nicolas looked across the patio to where James, Juliana, Adam, and Cait were standing around talking. Despite how different they all looked, it was easy to peel back the years and see them eating ice cream cake on that same patio for his birthdays back in middle school.

Against Nicolas’ better judgment, the corner of his lips twitched up into a smile, and he said, “okay.”