Rufus carried me back up to my room, though he took the elevator rather than the stairs.  Once we got back up there, he put my now almost limp body on the bed.  “Can you shift for me Felix, so we can have a real conversation about what just happened?” His tone of voice was a lot calmer than I expected. The way he was acting around me is the same way you act around a wild animal you are afraid of spooking, which I guess at this point, that’s kind of what I am. 

I shifted back into my human form, and then immediately curled up in my fuzzy blanket.  I was so tired, and I didn’t really want to talk, but I was scared to fall asleep again.  Plus, I really did owe Rufus some sort of explanation for my actions.  Looking up at Rufus, our eyes met. He looked at me like he was trying to stare into my soul, like he could discover all my secrets simply through starting at me.  Overall, he looked sad and confused, and I didn’t like that look on him. 

“I ran away from you in order to try and protect you.” I whispered.  I looked back up at him, and saw that he was about to speak, so I cut him off. “I will tell you why and who Leo is, but please, let me tell it all the way before you start asking questions.” I hated saying that name so much, but I knew I would have to in order for Rufus to understand that he needed to let me go so that he and his pack can be safe.  Rufus gave me a small nod, so I continued.

“I grew up with a pride of lions.  My parents and I moved into the area shortly after I was born, so growing up, the lion pride was all I knew.  My dad and I were the only panthers, and my mom was a leopard shifter.  All throughout my childhood, I remember us being happy.  Normally panthers are more solitary creatures, but growing up in a pride like I did, I got used to all touches and cuddling that lions tend to do.  I guess my mom never really adjusted to that lifestyle, because when I was 12 she decided to leave my dad and I to be with another leopard.  That was hard, especially for my dad.  He threw himself into his work as a warrior for the pride. He would spend hours guarding the territory borders just to come home and sleep then get up the next morning and do it all over again.  By the time I started high school, I rarely saw him for more than five minutes.  I felt as if I had lost both my parents, and despite being surrounded by all the lions, I felt lonely.  That is when he came in and brought some light and comfort back to my life.”  I took a shuddering breath and pulled the blanket closer.  I quickly glanced up at Rufus to see how he was doing with my story so far.  His gaze was fixated to me when I looked up.  He looked sad, but I was glad that there was not pity in his eyes. 

“Take your time kitten, I will wait as long as you need.”  It was a simple reassurance that he gave me, but one that allowed me to take a deep breath and continue my story. 

“It was the end of my sophomore year of high school, I was getting more and more depressed and lonely.  I really missed seeing and getting to hang out with my dad.  We were always closer when I was growing up then I was with my mom, so having him almost abandon me was worse than my mom leaving.  One day, during a group project in class, I was paired with this big lion, Leo.  I hadn’t really interacted with him much before because he was a senior, but since we had this project together, we got to know each other a little better.  We had to schedule time outside of class to work on the project, so he suggested going over to his house.  I agreed and the first night we got together I think we talked more about ourselves and life then we did about the class project.  It was just so nice to actually talk with someone and have them give me attention, and I think he liked hanging out with me too since his parents were also warriors and gone a lot.  We kept meeting, under the excuse of needing to work on that project, but I had actually already done all the work for the project, since Leo was busy with other activities, being in his last year and all.  That probably should have been a small warning sign, but I was too wrapped up in getting real attention for the first time in years, that I didn’t even think twice about it when he asked if I could.

By the end of that school year Leo and I were officially dating, and during the summer, I spent almost every possible hour with him that I could.  I rarely went home because there was nothing there for me since my dad was almost never home.  I went weeks at a time without seeing my dad, but I did still treasured those few passing moments that I got with him.  Then one fateful night there was an attack.  The border of the territory was breached by a band of rouges, and they managed to kill most of the warriors on patrol.  My father and both of Leo’s parents were out that night, and none of them made it home. I was devastated, and that was a night that I saw a change in my sweet, loving boyfriend.” I can feel the tears at the corners of my eyes, but I don’t dare look at Rufus for fear of bursting into full on crying.  I can still remember that night. There were alarms going off warning about an attack.  Anyone without fighting experience was to seek shelter in the pack house.  Both Leo and I ran there was fast as we could.  I could hear the distant sounds of fighting.  I even thought I heard the distinctive yowl of my dad in his panther form, but I didn’t even think for one second that he might die fighting.  I was more scared for Leo and myself.  Later that night when the reports came back of the dead, I was so completely shocked when the pride leader read out my dad’s name.  I was stunned to silence for several minutes before the words completely set in.  When they did, I dropped to the ground in a sobbing mess.  I was completely heartbroken. 

Taking a breath, I knew I needed to continue if I was ever going to get through this story.  “After that attack, I noticed a change in Leo’s behavior.  I attributed it to grief, because I knew that I had been changed from the death of my dad.  Leo asked if I would move in with him, and I agreed because I had practically been living at his house anyways, and I didn’t want to go back to that house with so many memories of my dad.  After a few months, Leo’s behavior felt as if it was a little more controlling.  He had gotten a job and I was back at school and working part-time after classes.  Leo wanted to always know where I was and who I was with.  The first few weeks I thought it was kind of cute, because I thought he cared, but this same controlling behavior continued through the last two years of high school.  As I became less consistent about texting him where I was going, he got angrier with me.  He was constantly reminding me to update him on my location, even to the extent of what class I was in at the time.  I didn’t know until later that he also put a tracking app on my phone. 

After high school, I was planning on getting a job full time at the restaurant that I was working evenings at after school, but Leo had a different plan.  As soon as I graduated high school, Leo wanted me to quite me job and just stay at home.  He insisted that he was making enough money and that I didn’t need to do anything but cook him meals and make sure that the house stayed clean.  At the time, I was still in love with him and could not notice the manipulative behaviors, so I complied. I stayed home, only going out to get groceries or see the few friends that I had made throughout high school.  Then one day, I was getting back from getting the groceries and Leo was home before me.  I had forgotten to text him that I was going out, since I figured I would be back before he was, but I was wrong.  Leo was so pissed at me that I had left without telling him that he slapped me.  That was the first time he has ever laid a finger on me, so I was absolutely shocked.  He immediately apologized profusely saying that he was just so scared that something had happened to me that he let his emotions get the best of him.  And like the fool that I was, forgave him and told him that it was my fault because I forgot to text him. 

Despite my assurances that I would not forget to text him again, Leo decided that he would get the groceries from now on and said that he didn’t want to me leave the house, not even to go out into the lawn.  I though he was just trying to be caring a keep me close.  On those few occasions when I asked to go outside, Leo would usually hit me.  One night I made the mistake of asking to go out when Leo was drunk.  That beating left me coughing up blood and Leo storming out of the house and not returning until the next night.  When he came back, he didn’t even apologize just stating that it was for the best.  After that I gave up on asking.  I would occasionally sneak out when Leo was at work.  I didn’t do anything when I went out; I just walked around in the warm sun getting some fresh air.” 

I then told Rufus about the memory that I had in my dream.  About the day that Leo caught me going for a walk outside and decided to chain me up.  I told him about the eight months that I spent chained to that bed, only being unchained to clean the house and make meals for Leo and I.  Then I told him about the night that I tried to escape, and Leo shot me.  When I mentioned getting shot, Rufus let out a loud growl and I looked up in shock.  When I looked up at him, his eyes were fixed on the spot on my chest where the scar from that bullet wound was.  I gently rubbed that spot under my shirt.  I don’t really remember what happened after the gun went off, but the neighbor who found me, told me after the fact that when he rushed into the house, he found Leo dragging my bleeding body back to the bedroom, trying to chain me up again.  Luckily for me, the neighbor called backup, and soon there were several lions there to take Leo down and subdue him enough to get me out of there and into the hospital.  I had to have emergency surgery because the wound was so bad and so close to my heart. 

Keeping my eye on Rufus, I decided that I need to tell him the last part of my story, because he deserved to know, even though he had already experienced my violent nightmares firsthand.  “After the gunshot wound, I had to stay in the hospital for 2 months.  During that time, I had a therapist that helped me try and deal with trauma that I had experienced.  Also in that time, Leo was arrested and sentenced to prison, where I thought he still was.  I can’t imagine that his sentence is up, but since he is free, then it must be.  After I got out, since I didn’t have someplace to live, I moved in with the pride leader and his family.  He has been so apologetic about allowing something so terrible to happen to me under his nose that he was all too happy to have me in his home, at least at first.  My first few nights there couldn’t sleep, and soon I become like a walking zombie.  Finally, I fell asleep out of exhaustion, but then the nigh mares plagued me.  I went through this cycle several times.  I knew it wasn’t healthy, but it was the only thing that seemed to work.  One time, when I finally passed out, I must have cried out in my sleep, because the leader came in to check on me, but similar to last night when I attacked you, I freaked out at seeing someone in my room and attacked.  Luckily it wasn’t too bad, I just scratched his arms a few times, but it was enough to do damage.  The next day the pride leader asked me to leave.  He had young children, and with my unpredictable behavior and violent tendencies while I slept, he decided that he didn’t want me around his children.  That day I walked off that pride’s territory and never looked back.  I haven’t even once attempted to reach out to anyone there. There were just too many memories that I can’t face.”    

By the end of my story, I was so exhausted that I fell asleep without realizing it.  I guess I'll have to answer any of Rufus' questions when I wake up.