"How are we feeling today?" My therapist asked, sitting on a white couch in a simple, yet comfortable room hinted with yellow. The walls were decorated with watercolor flowers in white picture frames.

"Not great," I said with tired eyes.

"Why? What's going on?" she said. In the background, a white noise machine went off creating a sound of a fan. I explained to her the situation with Jacob, Andrew, and Alyxi. She listened intently with fixated eyes. "Wow. So a lot went on in the past week."

"Yeah," I said.

"You look tired," she said.

"That's because I am."

"How much sleep did you get?"

"I don't know. Maybe an hour."

"You have a lot of anxiety about this?"

"Yeah, I'm freaking out."

"Why? What do you think Andrew or Jacob are going to do to you?"

"Have sex with me."

"You've made it very clear that you don't want to."

"Yeah, but they keep asking."

"Okay...so they're not taking no for an answer," she said. "Why do you like Andrew and Jacob?"

"Andrew is really nice to me, and I don't know. I have a crush on Jacob."

"Yes, but why?"

"I think he's cute."

"Oh, okay, so you're attracted to him. Is he a nice guy like Andrew? Because he sounds like he isn't."

"Not really. He bullies me at school."

"Are you okay with that?"

"No, not really."

"Okay..." she said. "I see why you have anxiety."

"I wrote him a note telling him I liked him today. Andrew is going to give it to him."

"And Andrew is okay with that?"

"He said he was okay with it. He's poly."

"Oh, okay. Are you poly?"

"I guess so. I haven't really thought about it before. I always thought I'd just be monogamous because that's what other people do."

She nodded. "Tell me about last night. Why did you get so little sleep?"

"Because I kept imagining myself having sex with Andrew."

"So, the thought of having sex scares you?"

"Yes!"

"Why? What thoughts come to mind?"

"That he's going to rape me."

"Where do you get that idea from? Does he seem like he's going to rape you?"

"I don't know. That's what Dad says."

She nods. "Your Dad thinks men are going to rape you?"

"I guess so."

"There are men–people–out there that want to hurt you. There are rapists, but not all men and women are rapists. Most people are like you and just want a loving partner and have no desire to do such a thing.."

"I highly doubt that."

"Do you want to assault people?"

"No."

"Do you think I want to?"

"No."

"Then people out there exist like us. Do you think Andrew and Jacob are like that, too?"

I squinted. "I don't know."

"Can you think of a man who doesn't want to rape you?" she asked. Thinking really hard, I couldn't. I legitimately assumed that's what all men really wanted. She continued. "Any at all?"

"No..."

"Rape is common, so I understand your fear. It's important to be prepared if such a thing happens. It's important to talk about it when it does. However, it's not that common." she said. "I would just explain very carefully to Jacob and Andrew that sex is not on the table, and if they persist, then maybe there is another boy or girl that works better with you."

"But I don't want to even kiss them."

"Then don't kiss them. You don't have to."

"But then they'll dump me," I said.

The therapist shrugged. "So, they do? They weren't worth your time, to begin with."

"I'm eighteen."

"You wouldn't have to kiss them even if you were thirty-five. What makes you think age equates to guaranteed consent?"

I thought about it. Maybe she had a point. I just didn't believe Andrew and Jacob would take this well. They didn't seem like the type.

"Everyone else is having sex. I am going to be a thirty-year-old virgin."

"Nothing wrong with that," she said. "Has your father done other things that made you feel this way?"

"Yeah, Dad does a lot of things, but I don't want to talk about it."

"Why?"

"Because it makes me feel uncomfortable."

"You don't have to talk about anything uncomfortable, but sometimes it's okay to feel discomfort."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Has anything ever happened to you that made you feel anxiety towards sex?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Do you feel a lot of shame about this discussion?"

"Yes."

"Can we talk about why? What does shame mean to you?"

"I just don't like talking about it."

"It's okay to feel shame, but talking about it gives it less artillery. Shame breeds on secrecy and silence."

I nodded. "That's cool."

"It's not cool. It's extremely harmful, and hurts a lot of people," she said. "Are you seeing Jacob or Andrew today?"

"I am seeing Jacob second period, and I don't know. I might hang out with Andrew after school?"

"Are you going on a date?"

"I don't know."

"What are you going to say to Jacob?"

"I am going to give him back his hat," I said raising his beanie which I totally wasn't obsessed with.

"That's nice. Are you going to say anything else?"

"No?" I said, unsure.

"Okay, that might be good," she smiled. "Alright, well, that is time. I hope things go well with your new boyfriend. Tell me all about it through text."

We both stood, and she led me out of the office. My dad sat in front of the office building in his red car. He usually took me to most of my appointments.

"How was it?" he asked, with a stubborn expression.

"Good."

"What did you talk about?"

"Nothing really. Just school."

"You should have told her about that boy."

I nodded uncomfortably. At the time, I couldn't put my finger on how inappropriate this was, but I never liked being around Dad for a long time. He pulled out of the parking lot and we drove to the school, which took about thirty minutes. His car dropped me off at the front.

A little late for art class, I stepped in and found my seat as students played on their phones. I took a breath and dropped off my stuff. All I had to do was give him his hat. I don't need to actually talk to Jacob. Gripping the grey wool in my hand, I walked up to him. He made eye contact with me and seemed solemn.

Handing him the hat, I spoke with a small voice.

"You forgot this at my house," I said.

"Thanks," he said and smiled at me. Aw. I've never seen Jacob give a genuine smile before. Overwhelmed, I ran back to my desk. I waited for a few minutes to pass before I took out my drawing of Jacob and started working on it. Looking around, no one else worked on their portraits. I guess it would be weird for me to, but I wanted to finish it.

"That's really good," Ethan said behind my shoulder. Oh yes, I forgot he was in this class. He unfolds a sheet of paper doodled with a ballpoint pen. It's a flat drawing of someone's face. "This is mine." He said and pointed to the most goth girl I had ever seen. "I got M. You got Jacob?"

"Yeah," I said.

"That sucks. I'm sorry," he said. "You should sit next to us."

There had always been a free spot at their collection of desks, but I never took it. His group intimidated me.

"Uh...yeah," I said, too scared to say no.

"Cool," he said and walked back over to his desk. I scooted one of the stools over and sat next to him. He said, "This is Amber."

"Hi," I said.

"Aren't you that autistic girl?" M said.

"Yeah...I guess," I said.

Was that supposed to be an insult? A curly brown-haired girl, high out of her mind, sat in front of me. She didn't say a greeting. That morning I wore one of my "nice" outfits to try and impress Jacob and Andrew. It was a babydoll crinkle gauze-smocked top, and I even combed my hair, despite it still being frizzy. My look didn't match theirs, and I felt significantly less cool and "hip."

"Is she coming to the party tonight?" the brown curly-haired girl asked Ethan, I think her name was Bailey, avoiding eye contact with me.

"Do you want to come? We're meeting at my place," Ethan said.

"We're having a hentai party," she said staring at me as though I'd jump out of my chair. For confirmation of my prude nature, she turned to Ethan.

"She and I can do something different downstairs."

"Like what?"

"Like watch a scary movie. I don't know. Do you like scary movies?" Ethan asked.

Her face distorted. Wow. I'm sorry I exist.

"No, not really," I said.

"Do you like hentai?" she asked, bitterly.

"No..." I said. What did I ever do to this girl? She acted like I killed her cat.

"She doesn't have to, Bailey," M said. M turned her phone to show Ethan an image of a girl wearing a revealing outfit. She laughed. "She sent that to me last night." Ethan gave a thumbs-up and kept drawing. M and my eyes met. "She's my girlfriend."

"Cool. She's pretty."

"Thanks," she said, confidently.

"I have a boyfriend. Can he come?" I asked.

Like lightning struck, Ethan became extremely alert and uncomfortable. His eyes darted at me and his brow furrowed. Once he noticed he did this, he brought his attention to his paper.

"Who is he?"

"Andrew."

The two girl's mouths fell open.

"What?" M said.

"You want to invite Andrew?" Bailey said like I came from Mars.

"You guys aren't dating," M said.

"Yeah, we are. He asked me yesterday."

"Honey, he's joking."

This stung. As much as that didn't make sense, it got under my skin. Was she right? Her reaction was so strong it made me think it had to be true.

"Stop being a bitch, M," Ethan said snarkily.

"Don't call me a bitch, bitch," M snapped back.

Ethan ignored her. "I don't think Andrew would come to this kind of thing."

"I can ask him," I said, pulling out my phone. I started typing. "I just got invited to this hentai party, do you want to come?"

"Let me see," M said, holding out her hand. She wanted to prove I actually was texting Andrew and not some random guy.

Without giving it to her, I showed her the text. She read it and reacted like she saw an alien. Not responding, she didn't comment further.

"Ha ha ha ha ha," Andrew said.

Surprised he responded so quickly, I texted back, "No, I'm serious. It's at Ethan's."

"Alright, I'll bring my own."

Oh no. He was going to bring his own hentai? I hoped he'd just sit downstairs with Ethan and me. How was I going to tell him I didn't want to watch? I mean, I invited him, so shouldn't I watch with?

"Can I invite Alyxi, too? I said. She's my friend. She's cool." I asked. Maybe if Alyxi came with me, she'd save me?

"Oh, Alyxi. Sure. She's nice," Ethan said.

I waited to text Alyxi since I knew she sat in class. Andrew did, too, but I thought he'd answer later.

"Cool. Where is this happening?"

Jacob, with his hands in his pockets, overheard our conversation and walked up behind Bailey.

"At my place," Ethan said.

"Cool, send me the address," Jacob said, patting my back.

Ethan gave everyone his home information, including Jacob. Great, now that Jacob was coming, this party was going to be even worse. At lunch, I told Alyxi all about it. I thought she would be on my side and be repulsed by the idea of watching Hentai, which is Japanese animated porn. However, she got on board! Excited to go to a party, she wouldn't stop talking about it.