"Hugging," Samuel whispered. "My ma used to hug me."

James knew not to ask about his ma.

"My mother says it's a burden. I don't really know what that means."

a short pause. "...yeah, we can hug, I guess."

Samuel awkwardly placed his arms around James's waist. James pat Sammy on the head, feeling his hair between his fingers. He breathed in. Sammy's hair was unkempt and oily. James had always tried to help Sammy maintain his health and wellness, though, lately, Samuel had been more and more distant. He wasn't showering at James's anymore. James didn't pester him for an answer. He knew arguing made his friend exhausted. 

"I think, a while ago, when Kevin and Bella were together, I think they kissed," Sammy mumbled into James's arms. "Maybe we could do that."

James frowned, thinking. "but we're both guys. Kevin, and mother, and Ron, they always say it's wrong for guys to like each other."

"Well, maybe Kevin doesn't have to know. Maybe this could be a secret. You haven't told him about our spot?"

a spot on the edge of the woods, densely covered in foliage with a comfortable moss carpet. when they were smaller, they had started a garden together. They grew roses, raspberries, and Sammy’s favorite, lamb’s ears.

“No, of course not. This is our spot.”

The berry scented air wafted with a breeze over the two, a calming smell that always soothed the boys. james plucked a rose from the bush behind his friend's head. "you always liked the white ones, didn't you," james said.

"like the sea foam on an untouched beach," sammy replied. "pure and soft, a delicate smell."

it was a chant the two had made up when they were younger. it was sammy's dream to see the beach, to travel there with his own funds and just be alone with his thoughts. 

it would never be that simple. ronald and kevin would come along, as well as whoever kevin decides was his new best friend. none of them lasted long, being quick to distance themselves from the arrogant blond boy. 

but, oh, to be alone with waves crashing against the sand and seagulls drifting above, it would remain a fantasy.

and james had always loved flowers. he hadn't a green thumb, not in the slightest, but that didn't stop him from trying. the pride he felt wearing a flower behind his ear that he himself had grown was monumental. he remembered the first time it had worked.

"mother, look! i did it! i finally grew one," he had beamed, holding out an inadequate pot of soil with a limp daisy barely sprouting.

he chose to remember the next part differently. his mother hadn't hit him. his mother hadn't scolded him on how silly flowers could never help him with his studies. his mother hadn't snatched the pot away and smashed it on his wall. she was proud that he had made something without her permission. she was glad that he found another interest to pursue. she loved him.

he knew it was a lie.

"Can we?" Sammy whispered into James's ear. "Are you okay if we..?"

James, slightly startled from the noise, jolted back. "no thanks," he said quietly. "Um, Sammy, I don’t really want Mother to get mad at me. I like you, but..."

Samuel slouched back, taking a big breath in and out. "oh. I get it. It's okay. I get it. No, haha, it's fine, I wouldn't want-"

James hugged Sammy tightly, all of a sudden leaning in and planting his lips on Sammy’s. Please don't find out, Mother, he thought, a tear finding its way down his cheek. He closed his eyes. 

Satisfied, the two parted. And in turn, they wiped their mouths with their sleeves. Samuel chuckled. "Huh," he said, almost breathless. "Wow. I didn’t think you were actually gonna...wow."

"Hey. Don't mention it. You're the nicest guy I've ever met." James sighed.

The boys sat for a minute longer before James's flip phone rang out. "Mother's calling," he said wearily. "I...uh, I gotta go."

As James stood, brushing the leaves from his shorts, he smiled at Sammy. "I love you," he mouthed.

"I love you." Sammy replied, hesitating at first. "I love you, Jamie." The words felt warm and comfortable.