How an alien horde managed to get their dating app onto every phone everywhere, no one knows. But somehow, they did, and seemingly overnight, "Starcrossed" became the newest piece of bloatware on everyone's phones. Literally. It showed up on every smartphone in the world, even the deactivated ones that hadn't been powered on in years. 

There was massive backlash against the major manufacturers, as so many married people, especially in traditionalist countries, were incensed that they not only received the app without consenting, but also couldn't uninstall it. 

And believe me; people tried. But jailbreaking, factory resetting, etc., had no effect. The app would just appear again. Even after deleting everything from hardware, reinstalling the OS, and booting into Safe Mode, the app would just "plip" back onto the phone. 

Some other people just decided to go ahead and use the app for fun. It seemed to be interesting, as somehow there were zero fake profiles. That was another thing that made headlines; bot creators were exposed immediately, and the bots were immediately deleted before they could even send their first messages. 

The odd part was that no humans ever saw other humans to match with. Instead, people only saw otherworldly beings. I myself happened to match with a rather cute looking thing that somehow looked like a cross between a rabbit and a steam traction engine. (Imagine Lola Bunny meets Transformers.)

Whoever or whatever created this app was a master-level linguist. Everyone was able to communicate in their native language, and their match would also communicate to them in return. My bunny-loco girl was an expert in English, seemingly even moreso than I. Multiple times I had to consult with my dictionary to understand some of the more eloquent words she used. 

But, I didn't mind doing that; I love learning. And in the last six months I've learned more than I ever thought possible. When I matched with Haenlilty (which I'm assured is a translation) she started telling me things that broadened my horizons in ways I've never experienced before. 

Of course, at first I thought the whole thing was a bunch of nonsense and fantasy. I mean, how could my dating app match **really** be a ranking general in an alien version of Starfleet? But then she started sending me pictures. And they were too close to other planets to be photos from Hubble or any of Earth's other telescopes/satellites. Even Voyager was only just outside our solar system by a few years. 

And then we had our first video chat. That's what really cemented things in my mind that this went beyond just some random girl living out a fantasy. She actually showed me her ship, in real time. Even the best computers on Earth couldn't generate such realism in real time. And, just to go the extra mile, my bunny-loco girl went down to her homeworld...in real time...while on a video chat...with me. I'm just an F-list celebrity who got a few minutes of fame on a reality TV show over 10 years ago. I'm nobody special. Yet, Haenlilty did all this just to prove herself to me. 

I was absolutely, jaw-on-the-floor, in a word, stunned. 

From that point on, I had a million questions. And she had just as many. So we spent the next six months chatting with each other and having a myriad of video and audio calls. I kept myself busy doing small time stage shows. Meanwhile, she was out there, putting down rebellions and negotiating treaties with those who actually wanted to talk. 

Then, one day, she revealed to me an interesting thing about her particular race. In similar fashion to certain other species around the universe, females of her race would go into a heat cycle every so often. She told me to make myself ready and go on an all-protein diet for a bit. 

I decided it was time to go on a vacation. It was at the end of my apartment's lease anyway, so I decided to just go elsewhere for a while. But, on the last day of the lease, just as I finished emptying out my refrigerator, the Men In Burgundy descended upon my empty abode. 

There's something I failed to mention earlier; the Starcrossed app is 100% secure. That's one of the reasons why there was such backlash. All the big brother governments, and even all the "secretly" big brother governments weren't able to monitor anything sent or done through the app. They all shouted about how secrecy/encryption could be used for evil. But that changed when pretty much everyone realized that no one could talk to anyone else on Earth through the app. 

So, it was an utter surprise for the UN council when they suddenly received a message from Haenlilty, saying she was on course to Earth to pick me up. (The heat makes her do crazy stuff like this; I found out later.) And, after I was taken from my empty apartment, I had a LOT of explaining to do.