Chapter 9:

Alterius non sit qui suus esse potest

Following Felix, Luca walked through the empty side hall, passing by the children’s jackets and boots that had already been laid out to dry. The children had already walked back to their respective hallway, back towards the classrooms situated to the front of the building. Walking through the hall to the dormitories, they were greeted only by the sounds of the children’s voices down the other halls, and the sounds of their feet tapping against the tile flooring. 

“I’m going to grab that thing I wanted to show you. Why don’t you change out of your wet clothes while you wait?” Felix suggested, opening the door to his room as Luca stepped inside, shivering. “Just put your wet bags in that bag over there. I’ll take care of them after.” He motioned to an empty clothes bag hanging on the side of the bunk, most likely prepared by Felix as he played outside with the children. 

“Sounds great. I’ll be here, then.” Luca nodded in response, reaching down into his dufflebag to retrieve new clothes, digging through the bag in a messy fashion until he retrieved a pair of his black long johns and a clean pair of jeans. As Felix walked away from the room, he shut the door, allowing Luca some privacy as he retrieved a clean pair of underwear and began to change, stripping off his wet clothes quickly before he began to change into his dry clothes.  

It’s cold in here. Luca thought as he rubbed his bare arms, covered only with his new pair of briefs. Still shivering, he slid his legs into the long johns, sliding them up his legs as he tugged up the waistband, feeling warmer as the material rested on his skin. Sighing, Felix quickly retrieved his hoodie and slipped it over his head, covering his bare chest and warming his cool skin. Carefully, he bent down to grab his jeans, and as his hand tugged onto the leg of the jeans, the door opened. 

“Ah, sorry.” Felix said, surprised. He stopped at the doorway, almost reluctant to enter as Luca straightened his back, holding the jeans in his hand as he responded, 

“No, you’re alright.” Luca shook out his jeans and stuck his leg in the left pant leg, “It’s not like we haven’t seen each other naked.” It had been well over ten years, but they had indeed seen each other naked as children. 

Stepping through the doorway, Felix swiftly closed the door with a laugh as he said, “That’s true.” Under his arm was a thick, old album. The pages inside had long since yellowed, but the pages themselves were neatly organised and filed away with colored tabs with years handwritten on them. As Luca buttoned his jeans, Felix pulled up two chairs in the middle of the room, sitting down softly as he held the album in his lap.

“Wow, this is so old!” Luca could not help but exclaim as he joined Felix and sat down on the open chair next to him, his eyes bright as he looked at the album cover in his hands. 

Felix smiled and opened the album slowly, moving it so it rested in his and Luca’s laps like a table, resting steadily on their knees. The pictures inside were dull and faded with age, some still encased in their white paper frames as they stuck to the pages, tucked inside the plastic pockets were delicacy and care. The album had the year scribbled onto the inner page, the first year that Felix had entered the orphanage. The numbers were written in fine cursive, no doubt Ms. Lowell’s. Such meticulous bookkeeping could only be hers, after all. 

The first photo in the photo album was the first recorded group at the orphanage. The year 199X was scribbled just underneath the photo, and there was a picture of the younger Ms. Lowell and the other staff at the time. Many of them were dressed in the same, matching blue t-shirts, their faces full of bright smiles. Only some of the faces on the page were familiar to Luca, the rest felt like a blur, a rush from the past. 

Flipping through the pages, Luca would occasionally stop and talk about the photos, often finding ones of he and Felix together, sometimes accompanied by the young Margo. Luca had always been very sociable and he found himself in many of the photos the staff had taken. Some of the photos were used in advertisements for adoption, such as the ones shared with Luca’s family. The other photos were informally taken, very casual and warm, like a home video. 

Seeing another bunch of photos, Luca asked in an excited voice, “Can I take a photo of these?” He pointed to a candid photo of he and Felix, arm in arm, running around the playground in the middle of summer. It was taken during their sports festival, the festival that had been sponsored by a local manufacturing company. It was also Felix’s first sports festival.

“Go ahead.” Felix nodded, holding up the page as Luca retrieved his phone and took a photo of it, saving it away in his photo album. 

Saving the photo, Luca put his phone in his pocket as he said, “My mom doesn’t have many pictures of me as a child, since most of them got moved or accidentally destroyed when he first moved. I’m hoping to send these to her. I’m sure she’d like to see them.” There were few photos of the children, and the photos they did have were treasured, carefully stowed away by the director herself for the children to later take copies of to remember their childhoods. 

For children like Felix, who had stayed in the orphanage until they were grown, these were irreplaceable pieces of history. They had no parents to catalogue their lives, only sparse photos taken over the years, and their documentation that had followed them like ghosts, leaving trails of rejections and attempts of building a more secure future. 

The pair spoke as they flipped through the photos, passing through a variety of pages before they came to the end of the album, stopping just as Luca’s hand hit the end of the album cover. Staring at the worn back of the cover, Luca could see some notes scribbled inside by Ms. Lowell, but unfortunately the writing was so small and written in cursive, it was too difficult for him to read it properly. 

“Thanks for sharing this, Felix. It was nice to see all these old photos again.” Luca held up his phone, now full of a variety of pictures from the past. Many of them he could only faintly remember, while others he could only recall as Felix talked about them. Felix had the better memory between the two, he always had, and was able to remember most of the photos tucked inside. 

Closing the album and holding it on his lap, Felix said, “I’m going to go back and drop this off. Are you planning to walk around some more?” 

Luca shook his head, “Actually, I’m feeling a little tired. I might lay down for a bit to be honest.” 

Standing up from his chair, Felix held the album under his arm, standing tall as he looked to Luca with a mindful gaze and said, “You do look a little pale.” He patted the album and said, “You go rest, and I’ll drop this off. You’re not familiar with the records room anyway. We weren’t allowed in there as kids, after all.”

It was true. The records room was attached to the main office and full of cabinets and cabinets of information. Many documents had been placed away in boxes and placed in storage, while some had yet to be moved, making a mess of things in the cramped room. Knowing Luca, even if he were able to navigate through the records room, he would not be able to find where to place the album. 

“I can go with you if you want.” Luca suggested, standing up from the chair.

“It’s no trouble. You lay down and I’ll take care of it.” Felix responded, stepping towards the door as he opened it and said, “Rest up.”

The door was closed behind his friend’s retreating figure, and Luca could only stare at the door and sigh, quietly shaking his head as he climbed the bunk to the side of the room and said to himself, “He’s a good friend.” 

Felix stepped down the quiet hall, smiling to himself once again with a satisfied expression.

… 

Hours had passed since they had opened the photo album. After viewing the pictures, Luca said he felt tired and opted to take a nap as Felix returned to work, sitting at his desk with his desk lamp on as he quietly reviewed documents, occasionally typing on his laptop. He had returned after Luca had already fallen asleep, breathing quietly as he was tucked into his blankets, appearing soft and warm as he slept comfortably. Knowing he was deep asleep, Felix continued to work quietly, dimming his lamp at his desk.

After some time had passed, it was already beginning to become dark. The children had already passed their shower time, and Felix and Luca had accidentally missed dinner as well. Thinking Luca must still be tired, Felix stepped away from his desk and walked out of the room, walking to the cafeteria to grab what was left of dinner before the rest was put away for the night.

It was not long before Felix returned to his room. “Luca, are you going to take a shower?” Felix asked as he walked into the room, holding a tray of food in his hands. There was no response from Luca on his bunk. The young man was circled in his blankets like a messy cocoon housing a beautiful butterfly. 

Sighing with a doting expression, Felix placed the tray of food on the table and walked to the side of the bunk and stepped onto the wooden frame, lifting his tall frame so he was face to face with the back of Luca’s head, the blanket only partially covering his full head of black hair. Seeing this, Felix slowly reached up to move the blanket down away from the other man’s face, as he did, he could feel Luca’s hot breath warm his hand.

Felix hummed to himself in thought as he moved the blanket around Luca’s chin, moving his other hand to push back the young man’s long bangs that had fallen into his eyes. Brushing his long fingers against his hair, he could feel a burning heat coming from the surface of Luca’s skin. Placing his cool palm against Luca’s head, Felix lightly shook his head, brushing back the stray hairs in his face with a gentle expression.

“You got sick from playing outside.” Felix sighed, “You have to be more careful.” Stepping down from the bed, Felix lowered himself back onto the ground and turned to his desk, propping open one of the drawers as he retrieved a bottle of fever medicine and a thermometer from his first aid kit. “I didn’t forget how sick you used to get when you would play in the snow, so I prepared these. When I heard you were coming back, I almost couldn’t wait to prepare this.” Felix laughed mockingly at himself before he continued, popping out the gel-like pill from its tray as he set the items down on the table, “I’ve missed taking care of you, Luca.”

Luca did not respond. He could only continue sleeping quietly, his forehead dotted in sweat as his cheeks flushed red with the heat of his fever. Felix retrieved the pill and placed it on the tray before he walked back to Luca’s bed and gently shook him by the shoulder, attempting to wake him up.

Feeling the hand shaking him, it took a moment for Luca to wake up. He slowly opened his eyes, blinking once, then twice, appearing sleepy as he laid back with a blurry gaze. Murmuring, Luca turned to the side to face Felix, who had a relieved look on his face. “What’s wrong, Felix?” Luca asked, his voice hoarse with sleep.

“You’ve got a fever. I brought some food for you to eat, so eat first. Once you’re finished I’ll give you some medicine.” Felix said, nudging to the tray on the table. There was a bowl of fresh vegetable soup and crackers, all light foods. “I’ll help you down so you can eat. Come on.”

Luca sighed, brushing his hand over his face as he moved to the front of the bed, towards the bed ladder. His head was still blurry, feeling tired and feverish, but he still listened to Felix, knowing he would feel even worse if he skipped dinner. Felix stood by the ladder, his hands open behind Luca as Luca stepped down the ladder, feeling like a child.

“I can get down myself, Felix.” Luca sighed, frowning.

Felix smiled in response, “If you fall, you’ll get hurt.” 

With both of his feet on the solid ground, Luca shot Felix a “See, I’m fine, aren’t I?” look, but this look went ignored as Felix gently nudged him to his desk chair, making Luca stumble slightly with his unsteady feet, feeling dizzy from his growing fever. Seeing this, he sat him down, putting his hands on his shoulders in a casual fashion as he said, “Eat up.”

Luca turned back to Felix and asked, “What about you?”