Indu was lying on her bed, too tired to work. Her mind refused to shut down, and she did not want to sit with her mother, because she knew that her mom would somehow get the dilemma out of her. She wanted to talk to someone, anyone, but the only person she had become close enough to was Sameera.
'No, you've got other people as well,' she thought, and got up, resolute. She took her phone and clicked on Swara's number, not giving herself the time to doubt her decision. The ring tone kept dialling, but with no luck. Swara seemed to be busy. She got a text message a second later, apologizing and telling that she was out with her family. Indu sighed, but sent a thumbs up as her reply. She tried texting Mirzab, but the guy seemed to have kept his phone far away from himself, since he was not reading the message she sent. She decided against texting Siddhu, not wanting to trouble him at this point.
So it was Sameera. She looked up at the ceiling, cursing her luck. "Why do you have to pull this on me right now, God?!" she let out, exasperated. She rolled back on to her bed, when she heard a knock on her door. Her mother let herself in, and looked around.
"Aren't you studying, putta? Oh well, then again - tomorrow is the competition, right?" She walked over and sat on the bed.
"Nervous?" she asked, patting Indu's head.
"Yeah, somewhat... I don't expect we'll win, though. Ma'am chose us only because she had no one else."
"Don't say that. That may very well be the case, but you've put in effort, Indu. You'll get what you deserve. But... is there anything else?"
Indu looked at her mother, eyes filled with guilt.
"Amma, do you think I'm a bad friend?" she asked, hesitantly
"Well... You're not my friend, you're my daughter. So I don't really know how you are as a friend"
"I think I'm being a bad friend," Indu pulled her blanket over her shoulders, going into a foetal position.
"Mhmm? Go on"
"I want to be her friend, but then when I actually do try and make her my friend, the actual prospect of it all seems so scary", she said, diverting her eyes away from her mother.
"And does that mean you're oscillating between being her friend, and completely ignoring her?" her mother asked her, one eyebrow raised.
Indu nodded, guilt smeared all across her face.
"Well, the first step is complete already then. You know you're doing something wrong"
Indu sniffled, "What if I can't change this? I don't want to hurt her Amma. Do I just distance myself from her fully? It'll be better for both of us, right? She won't have to deal with my issues, and I've anyways been alone for a while now," she looked at her mother in the eyes, finally, convinced that she had hit upon the right solution.
"Putta, putta, what are you saying?! Ayyo rama. Always so dramatic," she gave a little smile. "You can't let one person define your life like that Indu. And you're giving Keerti too much control over your current life - she doesn't deserve any part of that control, you know that. What happened, happened. And you've become this to protect yourself, that's all. But you can't protect yourself in the long term if you're alone. You need people around you. Talk to her, maybe. Give this new friend an assurance that you're like this because of some bad experiences, and that you want to improve. If it does not work out, then fine. But try to form a healthy friendship, at least. It'll be good for both of you."
"But can I do that? Improve, form a healthy friendship, all of that?" Indu sounded almost fearful, hesitant.
"Oh please, you're a teenager! A seventy year old tree continues growing, who's to say that you won't? You've barely started life, your brain is a good nine years away from reaching full development, and that's just physically! You'll be able to do it - only if you put in the effort of course," her mother pointed an index finger at her, with almost mock seriousness. Indu couldn't help but smile at her mother, making the latter smile along with her.
"You should teach me how you do this sometime," she said, sitting up in her bed.
"Do what?" her mother asked
"Be such an awesome person," Indu smiled widely. Indu's mother patted her daughter's hand and walked away, breathing a sigh of relief.
Indu had spent the rest of the evening pacing up and down, contemplating her mother's words. She didn't believe them, not fully yet. She knew that her mother was probably right, but it would take a lot more to convince her that she was good. But her mother might have been right about one thing. She should try. At the same time, however, this wasn't just a friendship thing, as much as Indu wanted it to be that. She didn't know if she wanted it to be a relationship, as much as the idea tickled a part of her heart. She was too unsure, too quick to run and too much to handle right now. Sameera did not deserve that to be her first relationship, even if she liked her back.
But Indu could make amends. Maybe she would never date Sameera, but she could at least be a decent friend. And making amends meant apologizing. She opened her phone, and clicked on Sameera's number. The repetitive ringing calmed her mind, as she consciously breathed slower and deeper. A 'click' was heard, and Sameera's voice was heard.
"Hi, Indu?" The voice was hesitant, cautious even, and it stung Indu to think that that was because of her actions.
"Hey... What's up?" Indu asked awkwardly, not knowing how to take the conversation where she wanted it to go.
"Nothing much... Why the call, though? Something happened?"
"Aah... Umm - I..."
"It's alright, tell me,"
"Can... we meet at the ice-cream shop again? I wanted to apologize." There, she'd said it. There was silence at the other end, and Indu's heart beat only went faster by the second.
"Okay. Be there in 5 minutes." Indu could hear Sameera trying to hide her exasperation. She thought it was just another 'hot' period that would be immediately followed by her coldness. The fact that she even agreed was surprising. She would use the chance the best she could. She threw on a hoodie, brushed away the flyways on her hair, and grabbed her wallet before waving bye to her mom as she sped out the door. Her mom stood at the door, hands on her hips, shaking her head. She sighed and turned back, whispering, "Well, if only she was this eager to listen to the other things I say," with a small smile on her face.
At the ice cream shop, Indu had reached first and she stood outside, waiting for Sameera. She saw her silhouette from afar, a lavender sweater on, with her short hair flowing in the wind. She gave Indu a small wave from afar, and Indu returned it, and walked to her. The darkening sky above them rumbled, and they looked up at it, a bit scared. Neither of them had brought an umbrella. They swiftly made their way into the shop, where Indu offered to order. Sameera raised an eyebrow, wondering why Indu seemed to be overcompensating so much. It was very unlike her.
"What do you want to order?"
"Maybe I'll go for chocolate this time, they make it nicely here..."
Indu walked back to their table with the two chocolate ice-creams, and slid one to Sameera. She was fidgety with her own ice-cream, until Sameera could take it no longer.
"What happened?"
"I wanted to apologize for how I've been acting the past couple of weeks, almost... I'm really sorry." Indu looked down at her knees, fidgeting with her thumb and her pants.
"Could you maybe be a bit more specific?"
"I'm sorry I've been ignoring you, and being all confusing. I shouldn't have done that, especially not after you confided in me about your sexuality. I was an absolute asshole, and I hope you'll forgive me for that..."
Sameera sighed. "How am I supposed to know that you won't just do it all again? Make me feel like I have a friend in you, make me feel like I could trust you, and then go ahead and break it. You were becoming a person I would have been the closest to, in my life. Do you know how much it hurt?"
Indu hung her head low, guilt washing over her.
"I... know I haven't given you much reason to really like me. But I promise I'm trying. And I'll continue doing that. It's a lot to overcome, sometimes, especially when your whole mind has sort of tried to rewire itself to never trust."
"Why?"
"It's a long story..."
"And my parents are outside - I have time."
Indu took a bit of her ice-cream in her mouth, and looked up at Sameera.
"Sameera, do you remember the Kriti incident?"
"I mean... yeah. But I don't think I believe that story anymore. It doesn't fit, now that I somewhat know you"
"That's cuz it wasn't true," Indu gripped the wooden spoon tightly.
"Kriti had been my best friend for as long as I can remember. Even back then, I was never a people person, I liked to have only friend, but a very very good one. And for a long time, she was the best friend. Then ninth grade rolled around. The previous summer holiday, I'd discovered that I was attracted to girls. It was a weird period, but I wasn't extremely phased by it. More like, I always knew a bit, but I had come to the proper realisation. I told her, obviously. She... well, her reaction was complicated."
Sameera frowned. There was a lot more to this than she had thought.
"She stopped being very affectionate, even though she had been the physically clingier person before. She never said yes for one-on-one hangouts, and she even told me directly once, that it was because she thought I might take it as a sign of sorts. It wasn't like she was openly homophobic, but she'd always change the topic, act physically uncomfortable and ask weird questions about it. It was hard, but I put up with it. She'd been my friend for so long, and I didn't have anyone else."
"The point where things drastically went downhill was when I got a boyfriend. He was from a different class, and we'd been getting somewhat closer for a couple months. Turns out we both were crushing on one another, so we started dating. It was pretty nice for a bit. But I hadn't come out to him, and I was not planning to. Meanwhile, Kriti started acting even weirder. She started saying things like, 'you always are with him now, have you forgotten me?' and not in a joking manner. And what she was telling was absolutely not true. She seemed somewhat jealous, no idea why. But that was also when she had started hanging out a bit more with you guys."
Sameera nodded. She remembered Kriti in the middle of the year, randomly hanging out with her and her group of friends, and tagging along even when they ignored her.
"But then, one evening, we had like this huge fight. We were just having little tensions, and it all merged into one burning mess of a fight. She said some really hurtful things, and even said I was being a liar by not telling my boyfriend that I was bisexual. She said I was doing it so it would be easier to cover up when I cheat on him." Indu's voice cracked, and her hands balled up into fists. She closed her eyes and began to try and control her breathing. Sameera immediately reached her hand out and held Indu's hands tightly.
"The little bitch..." she hissed in anger. She was holding back the urge to simply take Indu into her arms and hug her, and to hold her till she felt alright.
"And then the next day happened."
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