“Hey,” Alyxi said and snuck over to my bed. “I brought the stuff. It’s been boiled, so don’t worry.”

Hyperventilating, I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready!

“I was watching some GIFs,” I said.

“Show me,” she said, opening her laptop. “Aww, how cute.”

My heart beat through my chest. I think I am dying. Someone help me. I am going to pass out.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“I am just nervous,” I said.

She gave me a look.

“Do you not want to do this?” she asked.

“L-let’s just look at one of the pornos. I am sure I’ll get used to it,” I said.

“I’m really glad you’re doing this with me. I wanted to do it for a long time,” she said.

“Really?” I said. I had no idea she wanted to share her first sexual experience with me, too. Was she also nervous?

“Yeah,” she smiled.

She typed in a porn site and I was flabbergasted by what I saw. This wasn’t romantic porn. This was porn porn. Alyxi was filthy. I had no idea! She watched this stuff!? By herself!? Clicking on the sixth video down, I braced myself, lowering the volume to the lowest it could be. I minimized the screen. Again, maybe if the window was small..?

“Raise up the volume,” she said.

“My Dad,” I said as an excuse.

“Oh, right. I have earbuds,” she said and searched her backpack.

“Uuhhh, can we have the sound on low? I am sensitive.”

“We won’t hear the orgasming,” she said.

“That’s okay,” I said. She became confused. “I get overstimulated.”

“Oooh,” she nodded.

“Let’s watch it once muted and then once without it,” I said, biting my shirt. I could squirm out of my outfit.

The first one of the compilation sat a girl, who I didn’t relate to at all, posing for the camera massaging a giant dick in front of her face. The dick reminded me of shiny sausage. The thing erected itself very close to her mouth, and I couldn’t understand why the woman could handle it so close. Dicks were so ugly.

The second one had a man’s penis in a woman’s butt. Semen oozed everywhere – all over her skin, all over the bed–everywhere. At this point, I stopped being grossed out, and I realized I just didn’t care that much. Who are they? What’s their story? Why are they having sex? This was so impersonal.

I paused the video.

“That’s it? That’s porn?” I said.

She saw my disinterest and went to another one. This one was of a girl being screwed by different guys from all angles.

“I don’t want to watch this,” I said sadly. “This is sex? I just thought sex was more…pretty. Or something.”

“Okay, well, what do you like?” she asked.

“I don’t know…” I said and crossed my arms.

“Show me. It’s fine,” she said.

Together we browsed through several more galleries, but nothing intrigued me. Everything kind of looked the same with no oomf or romance. I could tell the porn stars didn’t know each and that it was all business. Disappointed, I guess I thought this would end up differently. I assumed that once I watched porn, I’d be fixed and rearing to go for sex.

The opposite happened.

“Aw. I’m sorry you don’t like these. Sex is great in real life,” she said.

“You’ve had sex before?” I asked.

Alyxi froze.

“Uhm…yeah?” she said.

“What!? You didn’t tell me!”

“You didn’t ask.”

“How was it? With who?”

“It was very fiery and passionate. We were kissing and making out. It was great,” she said.

“Have I met him?”

Her expression faded. For a moment she was silent, trying to figure out how to explain.

“No. He’s uhm–” she bit her lip nervously. “He goes to a different school.”

“Oh! Okay. Can I see a photo of him?” I asked sheepishly.

“So, do you want to have sex?” she asked.

What?

“Oh….we’re having sex?” I asked.

She playfully hit me.

“That’s why you invited me over,” she said.

“Oh, i thought…” I said. I thought we were just doing mutual masturbation. Like practicing together. Not legitimate sex. If I had to have sex with anybody, I guess I wouldn’t mind Alyxi. I just never thought about it. “Uhm, well, let's do it individually first?”

She nodded and took out a giant dildo. My face went white. What!? My vagina is the size of a penny. How does anyone fit that inside their body!?

“That’s huge!” I said.

“It’s not that big. It’s like average,” she said. “Just be gentle with yourself.”

“Okay…” I held it in my hands. You could really hurt someone with this thing. “Maybe we should uhm….do it under the covers?”

“No, I want to see it!”

“I don’t want you to see my vagina,” I said.

“Why?”

“Because it’s fat and gross,” I said. “And I didn’t shave.”

“I’m sure you have a beautiful vagina.”

“Uhm….let’s do covers first and then above covers?”

“Come on. Just let me see it,” she said.

“Alright, fine,” I said. “Let me go to the bathroom first.”

I got up and went to the bathroom. Okay, you can do this. It’s only Alyxi. It’s only your vagina. She’s seen you in your underwear before. I pulled down my panties and smelt my underwear. Does my underwear smell bad? No, just smells like vagina. Okay, here I go. Walking out of my bathroom — AHHH!

I screamed. “I can’t do it! Turn your head!”

‘Thank you for doing this. I really appreciate it. You know, I liked you for a long time I just–”

“Oh my god. Are you naked!?” I said.

“Yes? Well, my pants are off.”

Looking between her legs, I gasped. “You’re transgender?’

“Yeah, don’t make a big deal out of it.”

“I didn’t know you were trans. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You never asked. Nice vagina by the way,” she said and looked down at my vulnerable cooch. I covered it.

“You don’t look trans,” I said.

She rolled her eyes. “What does that mean?”

“Nothing. I just–never mind.” I got under the covers and held out my hand. “Give me the dildo.”I grip the silicone in my hand – firm yet squishy. “Does it hurt?”

“No, not if you do it correctly,” she said.

“Okay, I am just going to shove it in,” I said.

“Put lube on it. Here,” she said and threw me a little bottle. I squirted a little on my hand – a bit made a string from my skin to the lid. “Ew! Blark–” I almost threw up. Making a face, I gave the dildo a hand job so it was all slippery. “Okay, now do I shove it in?”

“No, ease it in. Here I’ll do it for you,” she said.

“No! No, I can do it! I can do it…”

I put the tip on my vagina hole and squirmed. Oh god. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t do it – don’t think about it too hard, Amber. You put in tampons, right? It’s not putting in a tampon. Okay, just shove it in. Shove it in!

Pushing it in, it hurts like crazy hell.

“Ow!” I said. “It hurts like a bitch.”

“Let me do it.”

“No–AGH! No,” I said, shaking my head.

“You know, I can touch your clitoris and make this easier.”

“Ew, no. Just shove it in,” I said.

I braced myself. Okay, maybe if someone else did it, it wouldn’t be so bad. I gritted my teeth so hard they could break. She lay in bed with me and gave me a hug.

“It’s okay. It’s okay. Just calm down…” she said. Digging my head into her shoulder, I smelt the smell of her perfume and felt the warmth of her body. This was the first time Alyxi hugged me like this. It didn’t calm me down, though, and my heart beat faster. I knew her privates were out in the open just ready to graze my leg. “Let me hold you in my big beefy arms.’

Was she going to have sex with me now? Is it happening? What do I do? Do I put it in?

“Do you have a condom?” I asked.

“Oh, yeah,” she got up and looked through her backpack. I got a wide shot of her smooth ass. Blinking, I tried not to stare. She took out a condom, sat down, and put it on her erect penis. Oh my god. This was happening. This was happening right now, but it was okay. It’s okay. You’re conquering your fears! She got back in bed and hugged me again. “Do you want to put on some music?”

“Uhm–sure. I always wanted to have sex to Silent Hill music,” I said.

“Silent Hill music?” she asked, propping herself up. “Why Silent Hill music?”

“I don’t know. It’s one of my favorite video games,” I said.

“Which song?”

“Promise,” I said.

She turned on Promise and hugged me again. Stroking my back, we both lay there for a moment listening to the somber music. Outside of The Minis, horror games were my special interest as well. I played all of them, and in a way, they felt like home – someplace familiar.

“Can I try and put it in, she asked?”

Teeth chattering, I thought about it. I was as ready as I’d ever been. Like with the dildo, she placed it in the outside of my vagina hole, and that was when things started to go wrong. At first, I slightly felt it – the feeling of being distant –like someone hijacked my brain and tried to take control. Like reality was a slippery slope, my mind started to grow sterile.

My hands went numb and then cold. I wanted to tell Alyxi to stop, but no words came out. Eyes open, they wouldn’t blink. Just stared at her in plea. My body went limp. My mind, though quiet, scrambled. Trying to put pieces together, it didn’t know what was happening; However, Alyxi seemed to.

Alyxi got her earbuds and put them in my ears. She let me listen to the music, which now terrified me with its ambient sound. Rubbing my back, she didn’t continue. She just waited, tears streaming down her face as I desperately tried to reach her through my mind. Trying to move my hand, I couldn’t. I couldn’t budge my body.

Hugging me as hard as she could, Alyxi started to sob. Her chest shook against mine, and I wanted so badly to make her feel better. Using all my strength, I put my hand on her shoulder trying to tell her that I’d be fine, even if I wasn’t.

She waited with patience for feeling to come to my feet and legs. Once the movement was possible, I felt a heave of anxiety and then felt like I was going to vomit. Sitting up, I was in a daze.

“I don’t feel good,” I said.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“No, I want to stop.”

“It was like this for me too when I started.”

“What? Is this supposed to happen?”

“When you’re around someone you really care about, it doesn’t.”

“I care about you. I just…” I started to cry. “There’s something wrong with me.”

“No, there’s nothing wrong with you. I think a lot of people go through it.”

Defeated, I wanted to wrap myself in a ball. I couldn’t have felt more like a child in my life. Here I was at the age of eighteen and I couldn’t even get a dick in me. Everyone thought I was a prude, and they were right.

“Do you want to eat something?” I asked.

Looking outside, she saw my Dad pull up. Hurrying, she gathered all her things and stuffed them into her backpack. She put back on her pants.

“Your Dad is home. Act natural.”

“Okay, I am going to text my therapist,” I said and got my phone.

“It’ll be okay. It’ll be okay…”

I walked to the bathroom and put my clothes back on. Soon, my mother would serve dinner and I’d have to sit around the table with all of them. Walking out, I already heard my mom calling.

“Amber, Alyxi! Dinner!”

“Don’t say anything to your family, okay?” she breathed.

We both walked out and I sat at my place at the table. Even though none of the seats were labeled, everyone always had the chair they sat on. Especially Dad. His was closest to the T.V. so he could watch the game as we ate. Mom walked over and gave me a plate of meatloaf. I smiled as it hit the table.

“Thanks, Mrs. Underwood,” Alyxi said as she was given a plate.

“So, what have you girls been into today?” my Dad asked as he sat down next to me.

“Nothing really.”

“Nothing really? That’s it? Nothing else happened?”

“Uh…we played video games,” I said.

“You used to talk to me a lot more when you were a kid, you know?”

Homicidal imagery crossed my mind as I didn’t want to deal with this. My brother crawled out of his cave and collectively as a family we started to eat. I didn’t feel like eating and played with my food a bit.

“This is really good, Mrs. Underwood,” Alyxi said.

“Yeah, it’s really good, Mom,” I said.

“Then why aren’t you eating it?” my Dad asked.

“I’m not hungry.”

“If you don’t eat now you’re going to munch on crap later. Eat your food.”

Tears swelled in my eyes. Feeling light-headed again, I tried to focus on my hands. Just eat the food, Amber. Eat the food. Slicing a piece of meatloaf off, I slid it into my mouth and thought I’d throw up.

“I don’t feel well,” I said. “My stomach hurts.”

“Oh, no,” my mom said. “You’re sick?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“We’ll package your food up later then. Why don’t you lie down?”

Mom picked up my plate and retreated to the kitchen to wrap it up. Looking to Alyxi, I didn’t want to leave her alone.

“She can eat at your desk, but only at your desk. I want no crumbs on the ground, you hear me?”

Getting up, I walked to my room and lay on my bed facing the wall. Alyxi walked into the room, and I knew that, as my guest, I should entertain her. But, I wasn’t in the headspace. My head went to dark places.

“It’s okay, Amber. You’ll feel better,” Alyxi tried to comfort me.

I shouldn’t have tried to have sex. Of course, I wouldn’t be able to do it. A deep, scary presence filled the room as I was reminded of deep-rooted memories. The only thought that came to my mind was that I wanted to disappear forever. Focusing on the texture of the wall, I also felt numb. My mind didn’t feel anything. Just thoughts.

“Your Dad seems angry,” she said.

“I don’t feel well. Can you leave early?” I asked. “Sorry. I know you just came.”

“Okay, sure,” Alyxi said, picking up her plate. She didn’t bother finishing. “I hope you feel better.”

“Thanks.”

She brought her plate to the kitchen and closed the door. For the next couple hours, I didn’t move. Just laid there spiraling. Remembering what my therapist said, I knew I couldn’t just dwell in my misery. I had to get up and do something, but what? I had no energy.