I stay at the square for a bit, as my hippo’s have lunch. Fuzz is trying to roll us another joint. I offer to help him out, since he’s majorly screwing up. I hear some complaints along the lines of: “Noo please no Ravi-joint this time.” But I ignore them.

They are right. I always fuck them over on the amount. I have a perfectly good explanation for that at the ready. If they’re too wiped out by weed, they aren’t gonna meddle in nastier shit, and they won’t get themselves in trouble.

If only I had that pure a reason.

I don’t. While it’s true that I don’t like to see these people turn into junkies, I’m also just a sadist.

I cut back a little on the weed, but only because it would be a shitty thing to do to empty Fuzz out. Fuck knows where he gets the money to pay Ogon to buy weed. And I’m sure Ogon scrapes off the top too. Never trust this guy with anything.

I roll a perfect joint, and light it. This is always the privilege of the one who rolled it. I take a hit and let the smoke glide through my throat, slowly inhaling it into my lungs. The weed is good. Its taste is mellow and lingers. I make a mental note to myself that if the state lingers, so will the smell, so I need to take care of that before going home.

I pass it to Ogon next, as is custom, since he went to buy the stuff. He takes tediously long drags to screw with Fuzz, who, as the owner, is in line to go next.

“Give it, fucker.” Fuzz growls. But Ogon only smiles at him before he finally passes the thing on. Fuzz grabs onto it like a starving man. That kid has demons, I’m sure.  

Fuzz takes long drags, closing his eyes as he does so, clearly savouring the taste. He then lies back on his threadbare backpack, blowing smoke circles, while handing the thing to Yinthas.

It goes round all the way until I get it back. I take a light drag, but I don’t want to get overly fucked-up, since I have to go home to do my homework later.

“Wanna kiss?” I ask Fuzz. The stump seems about the right size. Not too short so that it’s get hot, but not too long to risk burning my throat.

“Fuck yeah.” The blonde boy breathes with a smile.

I blow the residue ash from the burning end, as I sit down on Fuzz’ lap. Fuzz is the only one who would allow me to do so. He thinks it’s easy to take the kiss of doom like this, because he’s already lying down and couldn’t care less about who sits on him. I like it because I get the chance to straddle a dude, which is totally hot, even if it’s Fuzz.

I put the stump in my mouth backwards, my teeth and lips slowly capturing the makeshift filter tip so that it sticks out only a little. I lean forward towards Fuzz’s mouth and close my hands on the side of our faces so they make a tunnel for the smoke. I inhale through my nose and blow from my mouth slowly. I go on longer than Fuzz can take on purpose.

“Fuuuuuck….” He breathes out a large column of smoke when I finally move away, feeling a little light-headed myself. I get up from his lap and give the leftover stump to Ogon, who chuckles.

Fuzz is still lying on the ground with his eyes closed, so I grin back at Ogon and call for a pile-up. Everyone jumps on top of dying Fuzz, except Ogon, who just sits there smoking the rest of the pot with a sadistic grin on his face. I join too, but only after Joshua does. Because that guy is large, and I don’t want him to divebomb on top of me. That was once, and never again.

Roughhousing like this always makes me a little happy. I guess I just like the touch. Sometimes I wish Josh and Fuzz were hot like my popular classmates, that would make it all so much more interesting. But it’s probably a good thing they aren’t.

We chat a bit about nothing interesting in particular, as I sober up before heading home. There’s never much to say with the hippo’s. Ivanka, Jasmine and Anna are into a whole bunch of celebrities and influencers I don’t care about, and the rest of them hardly make conversation. I think I’m just spending time with them, so I don’t feel so alone all the time.

I miss Abby.

Everyone told me that I’d get new friends once I entered highschool, but that turned out to be the biggest bullshit ever. And cool and spontaneous and bright and handsome as a lot of my classmates may be, they aren’t Abby.

Abby likes me for me. I don’t have to be someone else for her to want to spend time with me. She’s not ashamed of me, she’s got the same interests, she’s fun. And, in contrary to everyone else I know, including my pathetic self, she doesn’t give a crap what others think about her. I admire that in her so much.

I text her as I come home. It’s been ages ago we’ve seen each other and that needs to change. My last visit to Vlissingen was the first week of January. I spent three days at her house, making a comic, playing with the Wii, inventing weird dance moves, and generally chilling out together. It was the best start of the year. But that’s months ago now.

She couldn’t come over in the carnival break, because the covid restrictions just got lifted, and her parents didn’t want her to go celebrating with me and catch it. I thought the excuse was insanely stupid, because the regulations weren’t lifted for nothing, but the next week about the whole city had covid, including my mother and Jamie, so they probably did have a point.

Still, carnival could finally take place and still we couldn’t dress up like matching idiots to celebrate the tradition. Which meant I didn’t go at all, obviously. Carnival would’ve sucked without Abs. And apparently, I’d have gotten covid.

May-break is around the corner, but Abby’s parents are taking her to see distant relatives in the US, so that’s another no for us. I think that maybe we can go camping together this summer, if our parents allow it. But I’m not too confident about that. Abby’s mother clearly disapproves of me, and my parents still think I need to find new local friends, instead of being hung up on the classmate that moved away almost five years ago.

Well fuck them.

When I come home, I find the house empty, which means Jamie is probably out with friends, or girlfriends… I can hardly follow who he’s dating anymore. Last one I saw was a black-haired chick named Nina, with a ton of make-up and fake eyelashes stuck to her face. She seemed very kind and very fake. I didn’t get to know her. Knowing Jamie, it wouldn’t be his girlfriend for longer than two months anyway.

I run up to my room and text Abby.

[I miss you]

[I miss you too! ☹] she sends back instantly.

[Can we go camping together this summer?] I ask.

[I don’t know, still need permission. They’re all kinds of weird about it. But if I manage to graduate, they’ll probably be okay with it.]

[Where would you want to go?]

[To the black forest in Germany. I think it would be super exciting. If we can go.]

[☹ I hate the if. Maybe we should just elope or something. 😉]

[Haha, yeah.] she replies, but immediately starts typing again, so I wait while I think what life would be like if we just ran away from it all. Went on a backpacking trip round the world, just the two of us. That would be so awesome. Maybe we could do that after we graduate.

[Hey I was thinking. Since your birthday is in the weekend, maybe I could come over on Saturday, then go back home Sunday. Its short, but then at least we get to see eachother. And my parents are okay with it!]   

[YES!!! 😊] I smile widely at my phone. Normally, Abby’s parents won’t let her come over during weekends. They say she needs to do her schoolwork then, so we’re stuck seeing each other on breaks only. But I guess they changed their minds.

[Did you raise your grades?]  I ask.

[Yes! I studied super hard and I got a 5,2 for math! So if I keep doing better, I might even graduate!]

[That’s awesome!] I say. Feeling super petty that something in the back of my mind is grumbling that this means she’ll be graduating a year before me, which means there’s not going to be a joint gap year in which we can conquer the world.

It’s sucks that I feel this way, but part of me had been counting on it. Abby always had troubles with keeping her grades up, and I know her parents pulled a lot of strings, paid a lot of tutors, and kept playing the covid-card to keep her from being held back a year. We were both sure she wasn’t gonna make it for final graduation. Which would have meant another year HAVO 5 for her, while I do VWO 6, and then we’d graduate together.

I am sincerely happy for her when she does make it. But it just means she’ll go to some art college next year and all my dreams will turn to dust.

Maybe there’s still time for me to switch to HAVO and do my exam this year.

No. My parents will kill me, and so will my pride.

[So. What do you want for your birthday?]

[You coming over, obviously 😉]

[I mean, as a gift!]

[You are the gift. I’m really happy I get to see you before the school year is over.]

[Will you introduce me to your new friends?]

[What friends?]

[The one from the city hall square, of course.]

They’re nothing compared to Abby, but if she wants to meet them… [Sure, but I warn you. They’re weird.]

[You’re weird.]

[They’re weirder]

[Impossible :-p]

I’m laughing out loud when my mom comes in to tell me dinner’s ready. I shoot Abby a quick message to explain breaking off the conversation and head downstairs.

“So, Abby's coming over for my birthday.” I say matter-of-factly during family dinner.

My mother lets out a humming sound that indicates something is difficult. Then adds: "We can't get the attic ready before that. Sorry love.”

“So?” I have no idea why the attic renovation over would be an impediment for Abby to come over.

“It means the guest room is still filled with isolation material and tools, and we can’t let Abby stay in your room.”

“Why not?”

“Because mum thinks you’re gonna be fucking!” Jamie laughs.

“Jamie, language!” she interjects.

“Mom, we’re just friends, nothing is going to happen.” I try to reassure her.

My dad starts laughing. “Friends? Oh, right… ‘friends’…” the quotation marks were audible. “Who are you kidding son? Men don’t have female friends. We only befriend women when we want to sleep with them, ain’t that right Jamie?”

“Duh.” Jamie says, to my horror.

“Well, I’m sure men and women can be friends, but you see why Abby can’t stay over?” My mom pleads.

But she is lost as my dad joins in the laughter. “Oh sweetie, they’ve been a couple for ages. Of course they’re fucking. Did you really think your sons are still virgins? Now don’t be a prude and let our daughter-in-law stay over. If you want to help them not do anything stupid, you should buy our son a box of condoms, so he doesn’t knock her up.”

I choke on my food.

As I’m gasping for air, I see my father looking at me with a proud grin that says: ‘there you go son’. My mother looks at me, completely bewildered. Jamie positions his hand in the air. Guess he’s waiting to be high-fived.

My dad overruled my mother and Abby can stay over. That is what I wanted, but this was all wrong. Reluctantly I high-five Jamie and smile at my dad. I throw my mother an apologetic glance, but it doesn’t quench her anger. She looks at me as if I have just broken a promise: heavy disappointment visible in her dark brown eyes.

Oh well… can’t have only dad disappointed all the time.

After dinner, I’m sitting in my room drawing depressing shit, and my mom comes in. I glare at her for not knocking, but she doesn’t give a flying fuck and closes the door behind her, then perches on my bed.

“You should clean up in here. Your room smells. Wait. Are you smoking?”

“No.” I instantly lie. “But everyone at the restaurant smokes, and some of my friends too, so that’s probably stained my clothes.”

My mom picks up a sweatshirt from the floor and smells it. I cringe.

“Yeah it does.” She agrees. “You should tell them to quit smoking around you. Second hand smoke is just as dangerous as smoking yourself.”

“Oh really?” I smirk. I don’t add: ‘then you won’t mind if I indulge.’

“Yes. Also… Did you talk to your father?” I wonder where she’s going with this.

“About what?”

“About having sex.”

“Now why would I go and do that?”

“And your brother?”

“No. Again, why would I?”

She sighs heavily. “Okay. Well, I know you best of all, and I’m convinced you’re not having intercourse yet. But now Abby is going to stay over and well… I’d appreciate it if you waited with sex. Not just because I don’t like my children engaging in these behaviours under my roof, but also because I think you’re too young for that kind of thing.”

“Okay. Good talk. Thanks.” I tell her, because what the fuck else do I say to this?

As I turn back to my drawing, she grabs my arm.

“Ravi. Don’t shut me out. You know I’m there for you if you ever want to discuss these matters.”

“Oh, I know mom.” I say. Like hell. If I ever tell her anything about what’s going on with me, she’ll just tell me to cheer up. Make new friends. Everything will be better. It’s just puberty.

Or worse. She’ll send me back to the shrink, and I’ll be ridiculed as crazy Ravi again. No thank you.

Luckily my mother is dense as fuck, because she smiles at me and leaves the room. I flip her off after she closes the door because fuck her.