February 2, 2023

Emily Lynn Lushbaugh (Hayes)

This Rollercoaster with You

In the beginning, it’s all smiles and laughter

We talk for hours, make love before and after

It feels so exciting to learn more about you 

I like it here, no matter what it is we do

We make plans for our future together

And pretty quickly, you become my treasure

I think of you all day long, every day of the week

When you’re not beside me, I find it hard to sleep

And when your mood shifts for the worst

I get reminded instantly that I’m cursed

Because my mind will just keep going

In loops and spirals, the thoughts keep flowing

When they do, they envelop me in a cloud of worry

My eyes water until my vision gets blurry

My heart pounds so hard that it hurts

I just know that, eventually, it’ll burst

And the hardest part for me to handle

Is when you shut down, I feel so dismantled

Because what else can I do?

Other than assume? 

And my assumptions are always dark

I wonder did you lose the spark?

I wonder if you hate me now?

I wonder when this happened, I ponder how.

It’s probably me, the signs all say that

I’m looking forward, but I’m also always looking back

What took place in the last few days?

Constantly wondering “what did I say?”

Constantly wondering “what did I do?”

All I know is that I want to be with you.

I have always loved heights, I find them thrilling

The rise and fall of a rollercoaster is so fulfilling

But this rollercoaster I am on with you

It’s not fun, it makes me feel blue

I need to know clearly what’s on your mind

If I don’t, I just end up getting lost in time

Lost in space and lost in my thoughts

Just trying to collect and put together the dots

It needs to make sense to me and it needs to be clear

So that I don’t need to live in constant fear