(TW: NSFW// Panic Attack)

“Why do you have to give me anything other than your heart to be together? I don’t know how to make you understand that all I want in my life is to be happy and loved. You’ve given me so much in such a short time Kai. You made my dream come true. You gave me a place to belong with you, Juni, and Connor. If I hadn’t found you three I’d be alone, going day to day with nothing to look forward to,” I sighed softly.

“But… but I don’t get how I’m worth anything to you,” Kai whispered, still rubbing my back with his fingertips.

“You’re worth so much more than you give yourself credit for. I wouldn’t have stayed at your side this entire time, been here as you came back to yourself if I didn’t give a shit or thought you didn’t want to feel whole as well. I know that you’re still not 100 percent and you’re trying to decide what to do with the cafe. But I want to be there for whatever you decide. You’re my best friend Kai, and I care deeply for you. Why can’t you care for me too?”

“Is that what you think? That I don’t care for you?”

“Yes,” I whispered, a tear rolling down my cheek.

“You’re blind then,” he rolled me on my back, pushing my legs apart so that he could climb between them and hover above me, “of course I care for you. I started the day you walked into the cafe, so beautiful but nervous. You made my hands shake, my palms were sweating so badly. I had never seen someone who glows before. The way your eyes glitter in the light, the crooked smile you get when you don’t want people to think you’re laughing. You’re so intelligent, caring, gentle. The best baker on this planet. I’m scared that if I make the choice to sell the cafe and move, it means I’ll lose you. I can’t handle that. So I’m feeling stuck again. Between what I have now, a beautiful business partner and best friend, and what my choice can lead to.”

“Ask…”

“Huh?” He looked at me confused.

“All you have to do is ask me to go wherever you go and I will,” I reached up and cupped his cheek, “you just have to ask.”

“We’ve… we’ve known each other for 4 months. You can’t mean that,” he was taking shallow breaths, clearly panicked and I closed my eyes.

“Calm yourself. You’re panicking. Emotions have no timeline, Kai. Feelings bloom out of our control. When I nearly lost you, my heart went cold. I have never felt that in my life. I want to be at your side, whatever you choose. Even if it’s just being best friends who own a business together. I don’t expect you to choose to be with me. You can do better than a guy with one leg who panics over everything and has no concept of true relationships. You can find someone else who will give you the world. I’m no different than you. All I can give you is me and a beautiful home in Idaho. That’s all I have. I’m not a catch, Kai. So if our life together is simply a deep beautiful friendship, I’m okay with that. I will follow where you go. Whatever you choose. You just have to ask me with that beautiful, lilted tone of yours,” I opened my eyes and smiled, another tear rolling down my cheek and Kai leaned down, kissing it away.

“Stop crying. I’m not going to leave you behind,” he whispered against my skin, moving the kisses down until he was at the corner of my mouth, “I will never leave you. Come with me. Let’s make a plan. Leave the house to Juni and Connor. I’ll sell the cafe and… and we can go back to Idaho together. Live in your house there. Open a new cafe. Or whatever we want to do. It’ll be okay.”

“Come home with me then. Start a brand new life where you’re allowed to be Kai. Not Juniper’s brother, not a cafe owner. Just Kai. We talked about finding you and we have found so much about you. I adore you. For every little piece of you that you are. So come with me. Let’s go home.”

“This is my home.”

“I’m your home,” I cupped his cheek carefully, rubbing small circles into his skin, “and you’re mine.”

“You’re testing my ability to stop myself. I don’t want to hurt you, Shiloh.”

“What if I like the pain?” I whispered softly.

“What if I break your heart and leave?”

“Then I’ll bring you back and you can fix what’s broken. You’re not allowed to leave me, Kai. We can't work without each other. Both of our lives have gotten better by being around each other. Why are you so scared?”

“If… if we get together and then… something happens I will lose my best friend in the entire world. I can't handle that,” he sniffled.

“What could possibly happen that would pull us apart? I won’t cheat on you. I will give you my heart. I trust you to protect it. I’ve been cheated on, I would never want to put you through that either. I know you won’t hurt me by straying. I know your pain, I was here for so much of it. It doesn’t scare me. Just give me a chance to show you how much I care. Let me… let me love you, Kai.”

“I will do my best to keep your heart protected and safe. I will guard it for as long as you’ll have me. Whatever you want in the world I will do my best to give it to you.”

“All I want is you. Give me you,” I whispered, pulling him down until our lips were inches apart.

“Okay. I was already yours, baby. I surrender. You win,” he laughed softly.

“Ah, I don’t like the way you said that. You don’t want me?” I pouted.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” He laughed, sliding his hand to my thigh, “oh you’re all I think about anymore. You’ve invaded my dreams, my thoughts. I can’t go more than a few hours apart. It drives me crazy. I want to be at your side always. Even when we’re sitting in the back of the cafe together as I do orders and you figure out financial shit I don’t understand, I’m happy because you’re there. But I have to ask you to stop eating lollipops in front of me. The way your tongue swirls around the candy just… puts incredibly dirty thoughts in my head. I know you’ve never been intimate with anyone, I won’t push you for it either. You set the pace. I promise.”

“I’m going to keep eating them because I love the idea of making you flustered,” I laughed, “I’ve seen you watching me, chewing on your lip as you cross your legs, trying to hide how turned on you are. Something so simple…”

“Shiloh… stop,” he closed his eyes, pressing his forehead to mine.

“No. What is it you imagine exactly? My tongue swirling around your tip? How warm my mouth will be? I’ve never done it before, you’ll get to teach me all kinds of new things. Teach me exactly what you like.”

“Baby,” he panted softly, burying his face into the crook of my neck before resting his full weight on top of me, “why are you doing this?”

“Because I’ve been wondering if I can turn you on for over 3 months now,” I ran my fingers down his spine and he shivered, “and apparently I can.”

“Of course you can! All you have to do is smile and my pants get tight. You’re too fucking attractive you’re going to kill me.”

“Hey, Kai?”

“Yes.”

“Kiss me.”

“No. That’s the only reason I’m able to hold back right now. If I do… I’ll have to teach you something new…”

“Kiss me, Kai. If you want to be my boyfriend, you have to kiss me right now.”

“Shiloh… that’s no way to ask,” he laughed softly.

“Ugh,” throwing my hands in the air, I started to pout, “do you need some romance?”

“Yes.”

“Fine. Get off me.”

Kai climbed off of me, adjusting himself and I put my leg back on before leading him from the tent. He laced his fingers with mine and I pulled him along a trail that ran next to the river. We reached a small clearing and I stopped, taking both of his hands in mine.

“Kai,” I smiled, “the day we met I never realized you’d be so important to me. I knew I was attracted to you, I loved the way the light hit you from the cafe window, making your eyes glitter. As I’ve gotten to know you, I realized you’re so sweet, loving, and caring. Incredibly self-sacrificing in order to make sure the rest of us are happy. I never dreamed there’d be a day you could return any sort of affection or feelings to me. So… as awkward and inexperienced as I am, I’d like to ask you to be my partner. Share your life with me more than you already do.”

He smiled brightly and rubbed the back of my hands with his thumbs, “I already considered you my boyfriend. I’ve had to turn people down for dates because I’ve been waiting for this day. I just tell them that my beautiful, wonderful, incredible boyfriend is the baker for our cafe and you always manage to pop up just after I say that and smile brightly, warming my heart. I would love nothing more than to make it official. We’ve been practically dating for 3 months now. Or at least, I considered all of our little outings dates. I care for you deeply, Shiloh. Let’s start a life together, one we agree to fight for. Don’t walk away and I won’t either. We can fix everything together, build together. I just want you by my side.”

I sniffled a few times before tossing my arms around his neck and he picked me up, wrapping my legs around his waist and spinning me in a circle.

We stayed in this embrace for a long time, both of us giggling.

“Was this your plan for the camping trip?” He wiggled his eyebrows and I snorted.

“No, I had perfectly pure intentions. I didn’t plan to leave the trip with a boyfriend.”

“That feels so good to hear,” he laughed loudly, “woo!” He cheered, spinning me in another circle, “god I’m so happy.”

“You’re a dork is what you are.”

“Shut up, you love it.”

“You know I do,” smiling, I cradled his face, “and now I’m going to kiss my boyfriend.”

“Baby wait.”

“Why!”

“Just…” he set me down carefully and gripped my hips, pushing me until my back hit a tree. Bending down, he kissed me carefully, gauging my reaction and I wrapped his braid around my hand, deepening the kiss, “fuck,” he whispered, pressing flush against me, “fuck it’s so much better than I hoped.”

I whimpered softly, the tone of his voice slamming through me and I covered myself, trying to hide how turned on I was from a simple kiss.

“Don’t hide,” Kai whispered against my lips, “we can handle it without going too far."

“H… how?”

“Well. We have two options I suppose. We can touch ourselves while the other watches, or, I can show you how to grind against me without our skin touching until you’re ready.”

“Both sound good I…”

“Come here, baby.”

Kai pulled me back to the tent and after zipping it up, he pushed our sleeping bags together, laying on his back.

“I don’t know what to do,” I whispered.

“I know what I want to do but I won’t push you,” he sat up on his elbows.

“What is it?”

“I’d like to taste you… all of you.”

“Don’t say stuff like that,” I climbed on top of him, straddling his waist, “I’ve never felt that before… I’m curious.”

“I know but it’s your choice what we do. It’s been so long since I’ve been with someone else.”

“Let me just,” I rocked my hips, groaning when I felt him pressed against me, “oh that feels nice.”

“It really does…”

I climbed off of him and pulled my leg off as well as my pants and he swallowed thickly.

“What are you doing?” He whispered.

“You want to taste me right? You can’t if I have pants on.”

“That’s a massive step from touching each other. Are you sure?”

“I…”

“Shiloh,” he scooted closer, kissing me softly, “we have all the time in the world. I’m yours as long as you’ll have me. Let’s build to that. How about I touch you instead?”

“But what about you?”

“I’ll be fine. You can touch me if you feel comfortable or I can take care of myself. I want to teach you these things without rushing them. If we spend the first year of our relationship only touching each other like this, I’m fine with that. It’ll still make me happy.”

“Okay,” I whispered.

“Are you scared?”

“A little…”

“Tell me if I should stop. But first. Take off your shirt. We don’t want to ruin it.”

I did as he asked and he inhaled sharply before undressing to his boxers as well. I couldn’t stop myself from staring, following the curves of his body with my eyes.

“Like what you see?” He laughed.

“I love it.”

“Good,” he kissed me softly and slowly started rubbing my chest, thumbing at my nipple and I panted softly, his hands soft against my skin, “ah these are perfect,” he bent down and licked my chest softly, tracing a circle around my nipple and I arched my back, “so sensitive.”

“Of course I am! No one has touched me like this before.”

“So sassy. We’ll get rid of that right now.”

Kai began to massage me from the outside of my boxers and I squeezed my eyes shut, gripping the sleeping bag as I began to moan quietly.

“K… Kai,” I panted, “god baby yes.”

“You’re already so close,” he whispered against my neck, “I wonder what kind of noises you’ll make for me.”

I whimpered again and stopped his hand, looking into his eyes, “I want to touch you too.”

“Alright,” he nodded, rolling onto his side and I copied, taking a shaky breath before I slipped my hand into his boxers, wrapping it around him, “now just do it like you do yourself. I can tell you if I need it differently.”

Kai went back to touching me and I copied what he did, panting and moaning softly.

“Fuck… fuck Shi I…”

“Kai… Kai, I’m about to…”

“Me too. Me too baby it’s okay. Come for me… only for me.”

I nodded quickly and captured his lips in a hungry kiss before I let out a cry, spilling over. Kai panted softly and suddenly coated my hand, his chest heaving as he whispered my name.

We sat there for a moment before my eyes grew wide and I pushed him away from me.

“Shiloh?” he looked at me confused, sitting up quickly, “hey… hey what’s going on?”

“Did we… did we just…”

“Yes?”

“I… alright. Okay,” nodding quickly, I cleaned my hand on my boxers and grabbed my clothes and leg, dressing quickly as Kai watched me before I bolted from the tent, my chest heaving.

That was fast.

That was so fast.

5 years with William and… nothing.

10 minutes with Kai and…

Oh, God.

Is he using me?

Is… is this all just so he can get into my pants?

He’s going to dump me as soon as he gets it, isn’t he?

Falling to the ground, I sat on my rear, gasping, doing my best to breathe but I couldn’t.

“Shiloh!” Kai came running up and I hung my head, my vision blurring as I gasped, “oh honey no,” he sat behind me, his legs on either of me, and pulled until my back was against his chest, “cross your arms across your chest, tilt your head back and close your eyes. Think of 5 things you can see. Tap my hand when you’re done.”

Trees.

Kai’s hands.

Water.

My shoes.

Flowers.

I tapped him and he pressed his lips to the back of my head.

“Now, four things you can physically feel.”

The grass.

Dirt.

Kai.

Prosthetic.

“Three things you can hear,” he whispered.

His voice.

The wind.

The sound of the river.

“Two things you can smell.”

The flowers.

Trees.

“Finally, something you can taste.”

Blood.

Wait…

Blood.

Opening my eyes, I reached up and realized that at some point I had bitten through my bottom lip, “well. Fuck,” I laughed softly, taking deep breaths.

“Honey? You’re bleeding,” he pulled his tank top off and pressed the bottom of it to my lip.

“I know. I think I bit through it when I started panicking.”

“It’s okay,” he whispered, running his fingers through my hair, “I’m here.”

“For how long?"

“What do you mean?”

“How long will you be here?”