Chapter 10:

Noster nostri

Luca knew he had fallen asleep. His fingers moved as he wished, wiggling freely in the strange, confusing dreamscape his fever had created. There was snow on the ground, surrounding Luca’s figure, however even in his thin t-shirt and jogging pants, Luca felt warm. He was so warm, he was dripping in sweat. Every so often, he would lift his hand and wipe the beads of sweat off of his forehead, grimacing. It felt as if his blood was boiling, and his skin was melting.

I just need to wait it out. I’ll wake up soon. Luca hummed, lifting his bare feet as he continued forward, walking in the snow as if he were donning a warm pair of boots. The ground was warm, and the snow collapsed under his feet, brushing against his feet like sand, sticking to the sweaty pads of his feet. The bizarre, unpleasant sensation made a shiver tingle down Luca’s spine.

Lifting his foot, he stepped up a small, steep hill, trailing through the strange substance with each step. The bottom of his jogging pants turned a shade of dark grey, damp with a strange wetness from the white “snow”. It was warm, like sweat, and Luca felt his disgust growing as he finally stopped at the top of the small hill, starting over it like a victorious climber, relieved to see the top.  

The more Luca slid, the heavier the snow became, dragging him down in waves, swallowing his shrinking figure like quicksand. As he attempted to lift himself out of the snow, his calves quickly became engulfed in the sandy snow. As he managed to slow himself down, Luca caught on something and fell forward, his face smacking the ground, quickly becoming drenched in the snow. The strange substance stuck to his cheeks where the sweat had been wiped away, refusing to move even after he wiped his hands on his cheek repeatedly.

The more he fought, the heavier the substance became until his chest became heavy, and it felt as if he could no longer breathe. Luca choked, feeling his lungs fill with the sensation of cotton. He gagged and clawed at his mouth, but the snow only stuck to his fingers and fingernails, weighing him down even more. His breathing grew weak, his muscles losing their strength as his body soon fell still, his eyes clouded in black spots. 

…

Luca’s eyes flew open as he became awake, his breathing erratic as he tried to move. The blurriness in his eyes made him frantic as he blinked, unaware of what was weighing him down as he tried to move out of the bed. As he turned his head to the left, still laying in his bed, he felt the prickly sensation of hair brushing against the soft skin of his chin. When he looked down, he saw Felix’s head nestled into the blanket in front of his chest. Felix’s arms were wrapped around his waist, separated by the blanket, and he was cocooned around Luca like a thick quilt, restricting his movements like an iron chain. 

Luca fought the sensation to kick Felix, angry at the man for scaring him so early in the morning, as he laid back in bed, sighing quietly as he stared at the ceiling. It was still dark, no doubt only a short time until dawn. After the frightening dream, however, Luca knew he would no longer be able to sleep, so he closed his eyes and allowed himself to drift into his thoughts for a moment, his breathing now at a dull calm. 

Those dreams won’t go away like this. Luca thought to himself, feeling the heaviness in his head. Mom doesn’t know I’m still having these night terrors. If she finds out, she’ll send me back to that psychologist. After the poor experiences he had talking to a therapist in childhood, he had no interest in talking to them now. His mom had tried to help the best she could, Luca knew it, however it was of no use, that he would just keep having them.  

As Luca thought to himself, he felt movement from his left, and when he opened his eyes, he was face to face with Felix, who was still bleary from sleep. “Good morning,” he murmured, lessening his heavy hold on Luca. He did not retract his arms just yet.

“Hey, Felix.” Luca’s face was bleak as he said, “You better take those arms back before I cough on you.” He was already full of sweat, uncomfortable from head to toe. With Felix’s weight on top of that, it was as if all the air in him was being squeezed out. It was a familiar embrace, but currently, even that embrace made him uncomfortable. 

Felix, now awake, chuckled as he slowly got up, retracting his arms. “It seems like some habits haven’t changed.” He sat up in the small bed, making room for Luca to sit up as he rubbed his face with his hand, his voice heavy with sleep. “I ended up falling asleep, sorry, Luca.” The tips of his eyes were dark, as if he had been up for some time last night before he had finally fallen asleep. He had most likely watched over Luca for most of the night before he had unconsciously fallen asleep. 

It was Saturday, the weekend. Luca was unsure when Felix would have a day off, but he knew if Felix were to go and play with the children in his current state, Ms. Lowell would scold him and send him back to his room to rest without question. With his own fever, Ms. Lowell would be just as upset with him as well. Unsure of what to do, Luca prepared to sit up and move around Felix to get off the bed, but Felix stopped him with a light pat of his shoulder. 

“You rest here for a while longer. I’m going to let Ms. Lowell know you’re running a fever.” Felix smiled tiredly, rubbing his face with his hand as he said in a sleepy tone, “She’d be more worried if neither of us showed up for breakfast.”

As Felix stood up to go, Luca looked up at Felix with a frown. “Trust me, my fever’s already gone down. I’ll be fine.” Luca wanted to stand up and go, but Felix kept his free hand on Luca’s shoulder, as if holding him back. Luca was surprised by the strength of Felix’s hand, his gentle push managing to push him back down. Luca credited it to his fever, but he still found himself uncomfortable, “It shouldn’t be a problem to go eat breakfast at least.”

“You know your health isn’t great.” Felix frowned, persisting as he said, “Your fever could get worse. Why don’t you rest a little longer?”

Luca sighed, feeling a little annoyed as he hardened his tone, “Felix, like I said, I’m fine.” His eyes narrowed as he added, “While I appreciate your concern, I don’t need it.” Luca sat up, brushing away Felix’s hand with his own as he walked to the door, his cheeks still lightly flushed with a fever as he opened the door, turning his back to Felix as he stepped out of the door frame without another word. His footsteps were heavy, full of frustration.

I guess some things haven’t changed at all. At times like this, Luca could only feel frustrated. Felix could be overbearing at times, often roping Luca into things he did not want to do when they were children. But now, Luca and Felix were adults, and he would not tolerate Felix.

As Luca left the room, Felix stood next to the bed, looking down at the wrinkled bedding where Luca had just slept. 

Is it wrong that I want to protect you, Luca? To keep you close to my heart and never let you go? Felix’s eyes darkened as he slowly sat on the side of the bed, his palm resting where Luca’s body warmth still lingered on the quilt. If you would just listen to me, you wouldn’t become ill, you wouldn’t suffer anymore. I’ll apologise for now. You’ll soon understand I only am doing what’s best for you.

Felix did not move from his spot on the bed, as if he were waiting patiently for Luca’s return and for the other man’s ardent apology, as if he would burst through the door and suddenly understand he had only misunderstood Felix’s goodwill, and that Felix only wanted what was best for him. 

That was only a wish. It would never happen, as much as Felix had rehearsed the idea in his head. 

There was some time before Luca returned to the room, his stomach now full and his mind less drowsy after a full meal. He was not the first to apologise, but Felix made an effort to tell him he was wrong and bossy, and Luca did agree, apologising for his own attitude. 

“I’m sorry, Luca. I overstepped. I just worry about you, that’s all.” Felix explained as he stood up from the bed, his expression downcast like a saddened puppy.

Seeing his friend in such a way, Luca’s heart softened and he walked forward, wrapping his arms around his childhood friend in a tight hug just as he had as a child. “At least you know now, right? I’m sorry if I upset you.” He reached up and patted Felix’s head with one hand, just as he did as a child, though it was different now that he was slightly shorter than Felix, making him seem as if he were petting an oversized dog.

Feeling Luca’s warm palm patting his head, Felix rested his chin on Felix’s shoulder, his eyes staring at the side of Luca’s delicate face, a manipulative smile trailing along his lips. 

While the two did reconcile, there were still some lingering feelings of bitterness that neither of the two could ignore. They could only pass with time.

…