FP - (11/28/22)

I´m driven by my death. Although it hasn’t come yet. In fact, I taunt death. I look death right in the face and laugh. Ignorance? Idiocy? Hypococracy? I don´t know what to call it.

All my life. Death could have taken me. I could have taken it. But we never did reach an agreement, did we? No, between death and I, it´s more of a remorseful dance. When I want death, he will never deliver. This is a story I know you´ve heard more than once, a boy not scared of death. But it´s a bit more than that. When death tries to take me, I don´t think I could ever let him in.

There´s only one way that death can get to me. I don´t give a damn about what death can do to me. I give a whole lot of shits about what death does to the ones I love. Maybe it´s a weakness, maybe even a curse. But at the end of the day, death can only taunt me if it knocks on my loved one´s door.

Essentially, death is not my burden. I am death´s burden. May hell be damned if it ever tries to take me, again. I´d like to see him try. I just hope that one thing is clear to the heavens. They need to stay away from him, and her, and them. They need to stop killing innocent people. Bring death to me, someone who deserves it. Don't take life from the ones that deserve nothing close to death. I need this to be clear. Because neither hell nor heaven can take me. In the end, I may have to end up taking them.

-

Imagine a little girl, the age of 6, turning 7. Her birthday is tomorrow. His family from Guyana and some in Virginia are coming in this year to share some cake with her. So of course, it’s all he can think of. She could barely sleep last night.

She´s on a small little blue scooter with flames and sparkles painted on the sides. She uses the sole of her sneakers to slow her down when taking sharp turns and going at such a speed that it made her feel like she was the next big thing.

My father stands in the back. On his phone. Of course, the little girl assumes that he is taking a video of her. That´s why she´s showing off, going fast on her scooter, doing stupid little turns. The fact she thought her father was taking a video of her made her feel special. That´s the worst bit, really.

He wasn´t taking a video of his daughter. He was texting. Texting both his girlfriend and his mother, back to back. His mind was full of clutter. He hated the life he was in. He hated how he was treated. He hated how he was stuck in such a marriage. He keeps talking to his girlfriend, nonetheless. Treating her like she was the best thing in the world. Although, he already had the best thing in the world.

Only his friends know he is cheating on his wife of 10 years with some random girl he met at the pub. They kept his secrets. He just never knew how much guilt they had when doing so. Because they all loved his wife. As he once did, but he changed.

His wife, the little girl´s mother, was a wonderful woman. She carried their household. She was resilient, earned more than her husband, strong, and powerful. And yet, she was the sweetest, most down-to-earth woman you could've ever met. She was kind, mellow, and just optimistic. She loved anything that was a deep mauve, flowers, and Star Wars movies.

The daughter was given her mother's looks and outlook on life. It´s not till she´s in her teen years that she feels like her father´s sidekick. To which she resists. As her mother would've.

Yet, after her husband saw she had gained weight, he became so much more distant. Looking back, she should kick him into the street by now. But as she always did, she persevered, and she pushed and pushed, tried and tried.

But she did it all for nothing. Just because the father was texting one of his side chicks, and his mother; the little girl plummets into a tree. As she is still under the impression that her father is taking a video of her, she tries to scoot around the tree. She keeps scooting and gets so dizzy that she just closes her eyes. Accordingly, she crashes.

She screams, cries, and wails. But her father doesn't even look up. No, he doesn't even know. It takes an elderly woman, dressed in a rugged jacket in the middle of summer, to alert him. He springs to his feet and riches his daughter home. Only for the mother to hold her tight and rushes the family to the Emergency room.

She had suffered from a concussion and broken her leg. Her father had comforted her. Rubbed her back and told her not to be scared. But she had learned later on that anything that had ever come from his mouth would always be half-assed. But the mother sings and hugs the girl. Something that the father is too scared to do for fear of getting embarrassed.

But, we´re going to cut this story short. Because this is only a story of a lifelong curse. She spends her 7th birthday with a cast, in the hospital. But still, all of her relatives, from both Guyana AND Virginia celebrated it with her.

Her mom tickles her sides, ¨Oh c´mon, babes. You´ve got to make a wish first.¨

The little girl frowns. ¨But I wanna eat the cake.¨

Auntie Sabrina speaks up, ¨Tiziano! Let dat´ girl have her cake!¨

The child whines, ¨Noooo, but Auntie, I wanna make a wish.¨

Sabrina widens her eyes, ¨Wait I thought-¨

The mother, Tiziano, shushes her sister. ¨Alright, make a wish before your brother eats the cake.¨

The girl glares at her little brother, then returns back to the candle. She stares down the singular flame and wishes for two things.¨ummm…..to never get hurt again. Oh! And a pet unicorn!¨.

She has the best day she could've ever asked for. Even though she had her birthday in a hospital room. She liked it that way. Her family, nagging at each other, stealing bites of each other's cake, singing, dancing, all crammed in one small room. She was content.

That happiness lived in her for the whole day. Happiness like that is strong. But not indistinguishable. Her father comes to check on her that night to wish her goodnight. But she was already asleep. He didn't get to say goodnight to her. He felt bad. Maybe there truly was a bit of good still left in there, right? Not like he ever had a choice to show this to the world, did he? When the little girl wakes up that morning, she is told that her father was dead.

That her father was driving on the road last night, and never drove his way back. It wasn't due to a drunk driver, or an accident. He had driven himself to another woman's house. She put him on drugs and slipped something into his drink. Because of how he had climbed on top of her. The rest is history.

The worst part, the father did have a last goodbye to the world. But of course, it was saved for some random woman, not for his family. Not to his little girl, his own fucking daughter.

The little girl was no longer little after that.