6 - Fiyaz/Little Boy/

RECAP:

I ignore it. I scroll to Mr. Britt´s number, labeled ¨Mr. Britty¨. He had only given the team his number for competition times and if our parents had to reach him.

I send a small paragraph of having told him that the crowd has been fully extinguished and how I hope he was doing all right. However, what I didn´t expect was an impatient response from the man.

¨None of that happened. You were lied to, Fiyaz¨

-

This can evolve into madness. That´s a plain fact.

In reality, anything in life can develop into madness if you let it. We just have a tighter grip on certain attributes, and people so they don’t become a pit of madness in our lives. But sometimes, if you grip too tightly, it starts to burn so harshly that you´re the source of madness. An unwilling source of friction, holding the other back, that´s you. You´ve heard of rope burn, haven't you?

I´m lost. I´ve always run and longed towards the rush and bustle of life. But I don´t think I´ve ever learned how bad it has gotten me in trouble. As, y´know, someone rational would. Because rationality is learning from your mistakes, isn't it? I´m only rational when I want to be. As most people are. Looking at society you can get that much.

Sometimes, I feel people lie too much. I am a victim of that. But what matters at the end of the day is the truth underneath. But how can one trust the truth in a world full of lies? How can I truly trust anyone? Should I trust anyone?

I don´t have any time for this.

I rake my hands through my wet hair. Instead of remaining in its messy, pitch-black, mess; it's dripping wet. As I´m taking a walk in the rain. I do this a lot. Typically when I walk in the rain I´d scream, run, cry, run some more and even laugh. All that hormonal shit. But, today was different. I love everything about the rain, don´t get me wrong. Here in West Texas, especially in the suburbs, rain isn´t common.

I love the rain. The whole package that comes with it too. The storms, lighting, thunder, warm raining, freezing rain. I don´t think I´ve ever felt more at home, and wild in the rain. That´s the special thing about the rain. It´s not a place. Not a person. Not a feeling. But it´s my home.

But right now is not the case. Typically, I wouldn’t mind how wet my hair is, how my jacket is now heavy, how the cold whips my skin the worst parts. Everything feels so tight. I typically don't feel tight in the rain. But today I do. I feel trapped in my own clothing. So trapped in my own skin. Imprisoned.

I feel like I am no longer invincible. I don´t think I ever was. But at least I felt like I could do something. At least I felt I had a voice. At least I had felt I could do this, at some point. But, I haven´t found him yet. I haven´t figured out what is wrong. No, I am just here. I´m not contributing to anyone or anything.

I look down at my hands. The same ones that I´ve had since birth. And the same ones that will rot against my bones someday after my death. They have those weird wrinkles on the tips of my fingers from the rain. Typically my hands would have small stars and doodles trailing from my wrist to the insides of my palm. And/or paired with smudged acrylic ash and stupid little stains that I don´t know where they came from. But, they´re not here right now. I wouldn´t consider my hands to be ¨clean¨. No. I don´t think I had ever considered my hands to be dirty.

God, what the hell would I know? When I am older, I´m going to look at this time in my life and spit on it. I´m going to think of how stupid I was. Or, I guess, am. Which I understand. But a bit of it hurts, because a bit of me can´t help but to want to be right. It´s in my nature. Although, it´s not a secret that I have a pretty shitty nature.

I hate this feeling. I hate how well I know this feeling by now. It´s this weird sickening gush in your stomach. You feel so angry, at the world, angry at yourself. But you also feel scared, sickened, and vulnerable. Making you want to slam yourself into the pavement, but also to crumble all at once. It´s one of the worst feelings in the whole world. Only because of how many occasions it does occur.

This is about Mr. Britt. I mean, what truly isn't when it comes to me? I wasn´t under the impression that James had lied to me, but it was a possibility. And, of course, I believe Mr. Britt over some random boy. Yet, for some reason, I can´t shake the look that he gave me. James, that is. He had this sort of innocent, sincerity that I couldn´t tear myself away from. But, the best liars know how to express a false truth. And, I fell for that. I don´t know why I had let myself do so.

Besides, I´ve only ever spoken to James for a couple of minutes. And, I´ve known Mr. Britt since 6th grade. For god’s sake, since I was a pubescent 11-year-old. And he told me I was lied to, so I´m going to listen. Typically I haven't been one to listen. But, this is bigger than me. I know that. So, if this is about Mr. Britt and his health, I´ll give listening to a shot. That says a lot.

Of course, this was a whole week ago. It´s Winter Break, so I haven´t been able to talk to Mr. Britt. However, I did text him back, asking what he meant. I could tell that he had read it. But he never did respond. So now I know something is wrong. Well, I´ve known that. But, I need to pick up the pace and figure this out. For Mr. Britt.

As I mentioned, it has been a week. Exact. I saw him last Tuesday. We have a Thursday meeting, of course. But he was absent, so he wasn't there to question. I couldn't even see him on the weekend because our weekend meeting was canceled due to the break knowing the kids would be traveling.

But, I´m not traveling. I´m still here. And I´m doing nothing with my life. Just then, a huge, juicy raindrop trails right down my bare neck, and I lose it. My fatigue, sanity, and reasoning. I just lose it all.

I grit my teeth and look down at my hands again. My dumb, numb, stupid hands. I´m going to make sure the next time I look at these things, I´ll know they´ve done something. There´s no point in standing around and moping. As my mother has taught me, I am going to get up and get it done. I was born to shake this world, not to watch as it revolves without me.

I am finding out what happened to Mr. Britt. I am finding the truth.