For the first five days of their subspace hop to Antio, Andrade avoided Rin as much as possible. Which meant, he had the most peaceful five shifts in a row since the moment he set foot on this ship. No one gave him grief for misfiling reports, no one criticised his shift exchange routine, no one mentioned him forgetting to launch a log collection application. Despite having to be up and in the cockpit at least three times a day outside of his normal shift (the fast subspace corridor to Antio required over a dozen of course correction and he was the only pilot with a licence and experience (in a simulator) to perform them), Rin finally felt calm and confident in his abilities.

He also didn’t go to the library even once in these five days. He finished his reading but the return time was not due for another two weeks. He continued reading a poem a day and ruminated on each of them. But he couldn’t make himself go down to the lowest deck. 

It had to do with the fight near the gate back on the Kashi-Sulak station. 

(It started out unpleasant but wasn’t unexpected. Andrade was drunk and acted like a drunk person.

“And since when are you allowed to commandeer pilots to do your job?” And after Haasan didn’t answer right away, “Why not just keep hiding in your book hole and pretend like you have the most important job for ‘the wider community’ out of anyone else on the ship?”

This got him. Rin felt Haasan tense and looked up at his face to see an unfamiliar scowl. The kind of scowl Mikey was probably afraid of. The kind of glare he didn’t want to be at the receiving end of. But Haasan’s voice was calm. “I see you haven’t learned to not project your insecurities on others yet. What has it been, a couple of years?”

Andrade stepped forward, a bit unsteady. He was now close enough for the sharp smell of his breath to reach them. “I see you haven’t learned a single useful skill except to order around the crew who are not even your subordinates!”

“Stop treating everyone as your property!” Haasan spat out.

Rin felt his stomach drop. This didn’t feel like he was being protected from unfair accusations. Instead, he felt like a prop, a mcgaffin that two media characters chose to fight about. They shouted at each other more (well, Andrade was shouting. Haasan’s voice was even and full of acid), and Rin wanted to be anywhere but here. Until Andrade made another step forward and hissed: “Stop lecturing me, you Otstian filth!”

Rin wasn’t sure how, but he knew this came too far. He still didn’t understand what made him step in between them as he heard Haasan dropping the handle of the hovercarts. Rin shouted up into Andrade’s face. “Enough! Stop!” Then he turned around to find Haasan’s fist an inch from his temple.

He knew this wasn’t meant for him. He looked up into Haasan’s face and saw shock. A moment later, two stewards rushed over to pull Andrade away and others joined in. Haasan looked cold and neutral and picked the hovercarts again. Rin gave him his bags back and they didn’t talk about it.)

Now, Rin lay on his bunk, having woken up in the middle of the night for another course correction, and pondered the event. He heard “Otstian” before but had trouble remembering the context. It had to be a place; perhaps, a border colony Haasan was from? They never talked about his past. It was clearly a sore subject, judging by the reaction. They were in subspace, so he could not search through an outnet encyclopaedia. And he couldn’t go down to the library either.

He had twenty minutes before he needed to show up in the cockpit but getting up felt impossible. So instead he reached into the storage compartment and pulled out the book of poems. He cracked the spine on the new page and stared at the words for several moments before his brain slid into Far-Galactic.

There comes the time
When we can’t stay silent anymore
Hoping to avoid conflict,
So we dig our heels in
And fight back.

This moment is called
Freedom.

Rin blinked and put the book down on his chest. He stared at the ceiling for several minutes with not a single thought entering his mind. A notification from his interface warned him about the course correction, so he finally managed to shove the book back into the storage space, get out of bed, and dress up. He decided to skip the shower now and take it after getting back. And think about the poem then.

This correction was happening close enough to the end of the first shift that Andrade stayed over for a little bit longer and Mikey was already in his seat. They spent half an hour over the instruments with a calm voice of the navigator providing data over the local comm. It took about thirty minutes, another ten to confirm the direction, and Rin finally got up to go back to his cabin. Andrade left a minute earlier so there was no need to report officially.

But when Rin stepped out of the cockpit he saw Andrade near the lift pod door at the end of the corridor. Waiting. 

Rin walked over, tense, with a rising sense of dread. As he got close enough, Andrade straightened. “Mr Richard. If I may have a moment of your time.”

Rin looked back at the already closed door to the cockpit. No way he could just run away now. “Uhm. Yes?”

Andrade took a deep breath. Exhaled. Took another breath, looking at a spot above Rin’s head. “I… I want you to accept my apology. For what happened back at the station. It was undignified of me to start a conflict in the public and pull you into it. I should have controlled my anger and been more mindful about the surrounding people. The fact that Haasan used your newcomer status to pull you to his side is not your fault but my personal oversight.”

Rin stared at him for a long moment. Instead of relief, he felt annoyed. Angry. Andrade might as well have apologised for wanting shore leave: the kind of apology that was meant to guilt trip you.

There comes the time
When we can’t stay silent anymore

Oh, maybe that’s what the poem was about.

“No,” he said evenly.

Andrade blinked and finally looked down into his face. “What.”

“No, I will not accept this apology. It’s not much of an apology, is it? ‘Sorry you saw me cause trouble’?” Once he started talking, he couldn’t stop. They were on a ship, and he had nowhere to go, and signed a contract for at least one more hop. He might as well stop acting as if he feared to be kicked out. Not by Andrade, that’s for sure. “And nobody pulled me into anything. And, frankly, I’ve had enough of you in the past month, sir. You’ve been trying to make my life hell with all your chicanery and unfair standards that don’t extend to anyone else in the cockpit. And this conflict with you and him, I honestly do not care for. I don’t care who is at fault, I don’t care what happened, and I don’t care if I am supposed to be in one camp or another. I went to the library because I thought re-reading manuals would help me win your goodwill. It didn’t. I stayed because I enjoyed the books about this community I am now part of. And I was in constant fear that if you find out, I will be in trouble.

“Well, I don’t fear anymore. I am not on your side, I am not on Haasan’s side, I am not part of this gossip game you all seem to play. I want to be seen as a person with my own thoughts and decisions. I think you’d benefit from seeing everyone on this ship, and outside of it, as such people. And I am not saying all of this because he turned me against you or something. You know what? I’ll go and tell him the same thing, actually!

“If you decide to name me your enemy after this, feel free. I’d like to remind you we are in a fast lane and if I refuse to come do my job, we will all die. So let’s make a do over of our professional relationship and leave it at that. Professional. Sir.”

Without waiting for a response (Andrade looked speechless), Rin poked the lift pod button, stepped through the opened doors and descended to the crew deck.

He walked past his cabin and to the lift pods leading to the rest of the decks. By the time he was descending to the very bottom, the initial burst of adrenaline dissolved. He did just say all of that to the Chief Pilot – his direct higher up who has been tormenting him all this time without a reason. Now, he had an actual reason to do so. Would Mikey be angry once he finds out? Would others in the cockpit be? They were directly influenced by Andrade’s foul moods and this had to make them extra foul.

Oh, and where was Rin even heading to?! Did he really want to say the same things to Haasan? His company was the opposite of Andrade’s in all the ways. It was actually meaningful human interaction. But the result was the same – almost being punched in the face for trying to diffuse the conflict he was in no way a part of. He didn’t feel angry, not really. More… disappointed. Somehow, he believed Haasan was what he projected to be: calm, smart, and reasonable. And not what he kept hearing about: secretive and dangerous.

But then again, did Rin ever try and ask? Has he ever attempted to learn more about Haasan instead of just accepting this obvious mask as a real person? How many times did he ignore certain signs or just noted them as ‘intriguing’ without thinking any further?

The lift pod opened into an empty corridor. The spa was closed at this hour: the time after the shift change was dedicated to cleaning. Once he reached the door, Rin discovered the library was closed too. He didn’t call and just turned around, fastening his pace. This was stupid. He was sleep-deprived and wasn’t making sense. Getting into a fight with one of the few people whose company he enjoyed (maybe the one whose company he enjoyed the most) was the worst idea. Maybe tomorrow, maybe after Antio, maybe never. 

He couldn’t even start explaining to himself why he felt disappointed with Haasan. And what exactly he wanted to change. And why should he even try to change? Rin was on this ship for a month, and Haasan has been here for fifteen years. It’s not Haasan who should be adjusting and changing.

Rin blinked out sudden tears he struggled to understand. This was probably the reason why, when the ship lurched and the gravity fluctuated, he twisted his foot in mid-step, got thrown forward by the momentum and face planted right into the wall. This knocked him out right away and he didn’t remember hitting the floor.