A few days have passed since Brennan joined our team.

Although our first interaction ended on an awkward note, we manage to have a somewhat civil coworking relationship. He has been shadowing me with my client meetings and completed his tasks on time. So far, all I can say is, Brennan is a diligent employee. He is studious, hard working, and passionate at his craft; moreover, he’s attractive and sociable to boot, and it doesn’t take long for him to get close to our coworkers.

With all of these traits, Brennan Ryan is pretty much perfect. It’s hard to deny that he’s the total opposite of me, like night and day. How fitting.

I shake the thoughts away. It’s too early for me to be self loathing again. I place down my tablet pen to do some stretching on my desk and my eyes wander until it stops at Amani’s back.

Amani is preoccupied with a big project that is currently in its final stage, so he has been spending more time in front of his tablet monitor than usual. He would usually take at least a coffee break at the pantry between hours in the afternoon to destress and rest his eyes, but he’s not able to do that as of lately. Amani puts down his tablet pen, leaning his stiff body to his chair and massaging the bridge of his nose while a sigh escapes his mouth.

That's when Brennan comes in, with two mugs of hot coffee in both hands, and puts one mug on Amani's table. Amani notices this and turns to meet Brennan, his face is showing his usual friendly smile.

“Hi, Brennan. This is…”

“Oh, I just got back from the pantry to make myself a fresh cup of joe, and I thought you would appreciate a cup as well,” Brennan says.

Hearing that, Amani can’t help but smile as well. He takes the freshly brewed cup of coffee in his hand, sipping it slowly to savor the taste as he lets out a blissful sigh. He looks back at Brennan. “Thanks, man. I really need the caffeine boost.”

“Don’t mention it! I should go back to my desk now. Good luck on your project, Amani.”

“You too.”

After excusing himself, Brennan goes back to his desk with his coffee and continues working on the task I’ve assigned him to do. I glance at him for a second before returning my attention to my work. I wonder if being attentive is also a part of his personality. Just the other day when a coworker was feeling unwell, Brennan offered to go to the pharmacy to get some medicine for them since he was about to go buy lunch anyway. I don’t know much, but from what I've heard from the others in passing, Brennan is pretty laid-back and easy to talk with. He has even started to hang out with the Weekend Trio, and Kayden especially has taken quite a liking to Brennan, acting as if they have been friends forever. Even Dolores so far has expressed high hopes for him.

He’s kind, that’s for sure, and he has been sharing that kindness with me as well… weirdly enough.

I’ve noticed that Brennan doesn’t approach me like he did with the others. I thought he would be walking on eggshells around me after our less than desirable first meeting, but it didn't happen at all. Instead, he’s polite and respectful with me. Brennan doesn’t try to force himself into my space and keep a mindful distance between us. Our conversations are normal, mostly about work stuff, and no sign of hostility. Everything about our interaction has been surprisingly normal, as if he’s prioritizing my comfort.

… There’s no way that’s the case.

He has no reason to care about me anyway. We’re just coworkers, not even close acquaintances. 

I’m not sure why, but I feel kinda restless whenever Brennan is around and I can’t put my finger on it—like a lump in my throat. It might just be my imagination though.

Yet… what is this uneasy feeling?

****

I forget that Brennan’s welcome party is today. If it wasn't for Dolores’s email to remind us, I would have dashed out from the office the second the clock straight at 05:00 PM.

I said ‘party’, but it’s honestly just a small group dinner among our team.

Back when I first joined the company, a newcomer welcome party wasn’t implemented yet. Dolores was the one who suggested it after she got promoted as creative director around 5 years ago, to promote team bonding and allow new hires/interns to get to know each other with people in the team. It has been proven to improve team morale, so the company ended up authorizing it.

I have joined my fair share of these parties, although I don’t go out of my way to interact or be social with anyone. I just eat, drink, and go back home before midnight. Dolores emphasizes that it’s not obligatory to join, especially if you have other plans to do on the same day.

The reason I attend the welcome party, in spite of being a loner and all, can be boiled down to two reasons:

1. I have nothing better to do.

2. It would solve dinner since I don’t need to rack my brain to decide what to eat.

I did skip the party a few times before in the past. There are days where I feel like I want to isolate myself in my own home and be alone with my thoughts. Although it’s not often, I would sometimes cry myself to sleep for no particular reason during those days. It’s strange, I know. It just… happens.

I’m thinking of taking a rain check this time as well, but unfortunately I’m not allowed to do that. Since I’m the one in charge of training Brennan, it will not look good on me to not attend his welcome party. My reputation around my coworkers is already strained, and it’s better not to rock the boat.

So… Here I am in the Korean BBQ restaurant that Nadine recommended to hold the event, sitting at the corner end of the table, minding my own business. The rest of the team are chatting animatedly amongst themselves and, not surprising, Brennan is the center of the conversation. That’s fine and all—Brennan is the man of the hour after all—but does he have to sit beside me? It’s not like I can refuse him to sit there since it’s the only empty seat available, but still…

Either way, the dinner is going well. Everyone has already eaten their fill, and they decide to order beers and soju to accompany them during their talk—tomorrow is the weekend anyway. While they drink their worries away, I stick to my non-alcoholic beverage as I scarf down the rest of the meat on my plate. I’m planning to leave the restaurant soon after this, so it’s better to avoid consuming alcohol. I’ve never tried drinking until I’m wasted before—I drink only a can or two sometimes when I’m alone on rare occasions—and I don’t really want to find out.

I glance to my side. Brennan seems preoccupied in his conversation with Amani and Nadine; Dolores is away from the table to take a call outside; meanwhile, the others are chatting and laughing loudly among themselves (They’re definitely drunk). No one is paying attention to me. Good. After I finish my drink, I will quietly remove myself before they start to notice that I’m gone.

I just really want to go home.

“AHH!! SOREN, YOU RASCAL!!”

Kayden’s deafening voice startles me that I almost choke on my drink. I turn my head nervously, looking like a kid who got caught putting his hand in the cookie jar, and see Kayden points his finger at me from where he sits. Did he perhaps notice my plan to leave early?

“HOW DARE YOU TO BE THE ONLY ONE NOT DRINKING?! DON’T THINK YOU CAN FOOL ME?! I HAVE 20 20 VISIONS!!”

No, he’s just drunk.

“Ehm… W-Well… I don’t think it’s a good idea to go home drunk since I’m taking the subway home…,” I utter.

“Then, just call UBER!” Kayden stands abruptly from his seat, bringing a bottle of soju and an empty glass with him, and heads towards me. A big evil grin plasters on his face. “Come on! Don’t be a spoilsport! Here! I’ll be nice and pour a glass for you myself!” He proceeds, a little bit too excitedly, to pour soju to the glass until it overflows and some drips to the floor before handing it over to me.

I stare blankly at the glass in front of me. Even though I don’t check, I can feel everyone’s gaze burning holes into me. This has never happened before! Kayden usually just ignores me during this kind of party, so this behavior of his catches me off guard. Especially now that I know Kayden dislikes me, I can’t help but think he’s doing this to show his distaste for me.

As I’m contemplating what to do, Nadine snatches away the soju bottle from his grip, much to Kayden’s dismay. “Oooookay, no more booze for you, mister!” She turns to me. “Just ignore him, Soren. He can be quite a handful when he’s drunk.”

“Who’s drunk?! I’m not drunk! Gimme that!” Kayden groans as he tries to take the bottle back, but for Nadine to stop him by holding onto his extended arm firmly. He winces. “Ow! Ow! Ow! You’re breaking my arm, Nadine.”

“Then, be a good boy and listen to your elders,” she says brightly, letting go of his arm. Nadine crosses her arms, raising one of her eyebrows curiously. “What’s gotten into you today? It’s not like you to bother if someone drinks or not.”

Kayden rubs his arms and looks away, visibly pouting. “I just want him to loosen up and enjoy the party for once, so I offer him a drink. Is it wrong?” he mutters. “Soren is always such a grinch whenever he comes to every welcome party, like he doesn’t want to be here in the first place. You all notice too!”

“Kayden!” Nadine shushes him.

My eyes turn wide. Is that how they all perceive me? Have I been bringing down the mood of every party I attend until now? The lack of response from my other coworkers, not denying or agreeing on his statement, just makes me feel anxious. I don’t even dare to check on my coworkers’ reaction, so I keep my gaze to the glass of soju in front of me. A lot of things are racing through my mind, trying to figure out my next move to get out of this awkward situation.

… Should I just drink it?